DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

The girl needs more support and I think she needs a chance not be called an unfit mother. She has no mother and her dad doesn't want to know.

This child is carrying an imaginable amount of trauma. Perhaps that's why so many posters seem incapable of empathising with so much trauma.

Of course she wasn't behaving like an angelic child after everything she had been through. And then to lose her one surviving parent because of this pregnancy? And to find herself a mother to a child when her own mother is gone and will never be here for anything that happens in her life? My god, I can't even imagine that level of pain and loss.

Posters really can't see how traumatic that must be? I don't even know how I would be able to get out of bed if all that had happened to me by the age of 17. But if it makes people feel superior to judge a traumatised child, that says more about them.

Op, I really feel for you because this is such a tough situation. But ultimatums and punishments aren't going to help S heal enough to cope with this situation. I do think you're probably right that she needs time in a safe environment with a lot of support to help her move forward and get to a place where she can cope with her life and be the parent her child deserves. I doubt this is the parent she imagined herself being.

If it were me I'd want to be discussing with SS how to get her access to the kind of support she needs. I fear funding may make it difficult though, but having somebody pushing for it for her might help.

I get that you suggested GP and she resisted before. In fairness, her needs sound complex and she's likely to need more intensive and involved support. It's difficult when somebody isn't ready yet for that, because it can only happen when she's ready. Maybe this meeting will be the push that she needs towards being ready.

I very much doubt her drinking is about having fun, so much as trying to bury all this pain and trauma, and escape from it. It's common. I know it doesn't change the impact on everyone else, but it's worth remembering she is also a damaged child trying to survive.

Take care of yourself, op. You won't be any good to any of them if you implode.

I have no idea about these things but can they be done with your DNA to see if you’re related at all? Or is it only the parent and child?

I think it can be done with other relatives.

But it would be best done with the father and why would he be unwilling; he has the chance if being ofc the hook completely if it were to show the baby's not his.

I think, not 100% sure, that even a peace of mind test (as opposed to a formal,legal one) needs the agreement if anyone with parental responsibility though ie the mother. She might obstruct.

I haven't read all.of the responses in detail so apologies if this has already been said. What strikes me most from your posts is how much your 11 yr old DD is suffering in all this. As difficult as it is you need to focus on her needs. As much as I love all of my children I would not let them hold me to ransom like this and nor would I let their choices and ineptitude impact on a much younger child. Personally I would make SSD take responsibility for the girlfriend and the baby and insist that they find alternative accom for them. In the ling run it might be the thing that makes or breaks her as a mum but she will never get the chance or take the chance of trying whilst you are doing it all. I don't underestimate how hard that will be for you and it could even result in you losing contact with your GD for a while but by enabling them like this you are not doing them any favours. Also the long term damage to your daughter and your relationship with her is significant if something doesnt change soon. As for your son, he needs to leave. How can you allow him to treat you like this and remain in your house. He might be your son but he is behaving like an abusive partner, would you put up with any other man treating you like that? I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this but I see untold emotional damage being done in your home while they continue to live with you. I really feel that you need to prioritise your 11 yr old in all of this.

but why not try to help.

LilQueenie. What the fuck do you think she’s doing? 🙄

That's the official line - no doubt many people send off 'peace of mind' test samples from baby and father with a faked signature from the mother (if it's required, I'm not 100% sure).

It all sounds awful but I think you need to:

a) start dealing with your son. How has he got to the stage of being such a vile, drugged up person? Is there some sort of back story here? You and DH need to try and sort him out.

b) as hard as it is, stop enabling your son and S to get away with not parenting their child. I know you can't bear not to do things for her and I would probably do the same as you in your situation, but it's not helping them take responsibility.

Where does DS and S get the money from to go to all these parties, get drunk and buy drugs? Who is paying for their upkeep and who is paying for the baby?

SW needs to come. They need to step up or ship out. They decided to keep the baby so they need to act like adults

OP, what a dreadful situation to have to deal with.

Your DD has to be your priority. She is suffering and needs you.

You need to confirm DNA of baby.

You need to fully involve SS.

SS need to know the full horror of what you are dealing with.

DS and S are not capable or commited to the baby. The baby is not an experiment.

Giving the baby up would be the best thing IMO for the baby. To be adopted by a loving family.

Your DD and his girlfriend's needs and wants and tantrums are not important.

They have put themselves first.

You need to prioritise what is best for your DD and then this baby.

Please let SS know just how dreadful things are.

The best of luck.

OP I think that you need to step outside the situation and think about the advice you have been given on the thread, and as far as I am concerned it really comes down to one choice - you either decide to pick up the mantle, care for the baby yourself and sort out the teenage parents over time, or the baby will in all likelihood end up in care. If you just tell the social worker what is happening and leave it to them to sort it out, it is very unpredictable what will happen and timings but you probably know yourself that at this stage, it would come down to you at some point having to go through the necessary procedure to keep the baby yourself, better you do so now. I would certainly not suggest misleading SS - you can be clear about your role and why you are caring for the baby - but present it as a fait accompli and say that you need a guardianship order.

And at the same time you would need to work out how you are going to sort the teenage parents out - again, just leaving this to SS to sort out may all end in tears - and work out how you are going to balance things with your other dc.

It sounds as the teenage parents need some basic help to understand their role - they are very young, but the child needs them and with the right guidance they might end up picking up the mantle themselves. So again, either you accept it isn't going to happen and you hand over to SS, or you need to do it, as tough as it is. You need a strategy there - could you get some professional advice from a clinical psychologist? Do you have any decent easy to read baby books which cover physical care and also developmental needs and attachment for the teenage parents to read?

This is a huge problem for you and I think you caring as you have done, caring for the baby, is wonderful, and i hope that it all works out.

Can DS go live with his dad and S stay with you so you support her care for the baby? Kick him out for being useless ?

I think SS involvement will either be a wake up call for them or it won't.

You need to make it very clear to both of them that while you'll support them to parent their dd that means advising them and occasional help rather than doing the actual parenting for them. And that if SS conclude care is the best option you won't be stepping up to foster/ adopt her because you have your own dd who needs you. This baby is their responsibility and they need to wake up and realise it.

.

Do you think your DD is mostly upset at the issues S and your DS are causing. It's probably not fun to hear that all the time. Baby is probably not the issue, just what she sees as the issue.

That poor child. Children bringing children into the world. Luckily she has you - i would kick them both out and file for guardianship.

I am a Kinship carer and would say an SGO is not appropriate in this situation.
The child has to be living with, and being solely cared for, by the applicant(s) for quite a long time before applying for one. Plus the situation would have to be very much clearer about where the child is going to live permanently and the role of the parents in this.
A Child Arrangement Order (CAO) might be possible. This gives equal parental responsibility to both the applicant and the parents but states that the child is to live with the applicant. Therefore if the child is removed by the parents the police or court will become involved in her return. It is court ordered and the parent(s) can oppose it in court.
I have been in a very similar situation to you. Social services are incredibly under resourced, like other government departments, so are unlikely to offer you any help. Their main concern will be the child and trying to facilitate the parents to care for her. If this is not possible they will either take her into care, with a view to adoption, or leave her with you if you are willing to take over her care officially.
If you take over full care of the child they will see this as a private arrangement as you are already caring for her, she is not under any official order, they do not have PR for her and are not placing her with you. Thus you will not receive any support financial or otherwise.
Sorry if this seems harsh but this is the reality of the situation and many, many kinship carers, including me, are in the same situation.
Family Rights Group would give you excellent advice. Also Grandparents Plus, a group for grandparent kinship carers. Both have websites and helplines.
Another consideration is the effect on the child if the mother has been drinking. alcohol or using drugs during pregnancy.
Many children in Kinship care have foetal alcohol syndrome. This is irreversible brain damage which can cause learning problems and challenging behaviour. It isn’t usually possible to diagnose it in a baby and whereas some children are not affected by large amounts of alcohol, others can be damaged by very little.
Attachment disorder also affects many children who have unsatisfactory relationships with their parents, even if there is a good alternative caregiver. It needs long term, therapeutic parenting to counter its effects. Again this won’t be evident in a baby.
Of course it is entirely possible that the baby won’t be damaged in any way and I really hope this is the case.
However these are things for you to consider when your dd is already finding the situation difficult.
I hope you can become fully informed before making any decisions. I wasn’t which made things very difficult.
I pretty much am now, with a 14 year old grandson in my care, so am happy for you to PM me if I can help further.
You are in a very difficult and stressful situation and I really hope that with the full facts you can make the best decision for everybody.

Oh op I could cry for that poor baby.
Obviously atm the parents are in no way capable of parenting.
Kick them out without the baby. It's not healthy for a baby to be in that environment (or anyone for that matter) and stick to your guns.
That way they will either step up or bugger off.

Fwiw a similar story happened with a woman I know. She's just had her 8th child taken on by her own mother.
She doesn't try to get them back just keeps having babies so ss will let them keep one.
Please don't be that woman. She's in her 60s and is still parenting toddlers and babies.
She constantly looks exhausted and close to tears and hates that her dd keeps having children but says "They're my dgc they're not going into the care system"
Such a sad situation all round.

I hope ss give you ds and S the kick up the arse they need.

A DNA test would in no way 'let your son off the hook' if his name is on the birth certificate. That's all that's legally required for Parental Responsibility in the uk. You don't have to be genetically related.

Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son Convenient. Anything other than her word proving this? She has a cosy little set up with you, she knows you won't neglect the baby, so she has a nice home, food, and a built in babysitter. She suckered you both right in.

This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Wrong. She is living in your house, still considered a minor. I would be sending her home sans baby

I'd be happy social are involved! They honestly sound like they don't actually care.. and if let to it, you would have a neglected baby on your hands. Honestly, be truthful with the social and have the baby placed somewhere safe.

I don't have anything to add in terms of help but I really hope you get the support you all need when SW come to visit.

What a vile pair they are. You must be so ashamed of your son 😟

Where on earth are they getting the money for going out etc??

Tell the SS everything. Hopefully the baby will end up somewhere suitable even if it isn’t with you.

You sound lovely 💐

you’re doing an amazing job in an incredibly hard and stressful situation!

It sounds like you’re looking after the baby full time. If the parents are incapable of looking after the baby, could your ex look after the baby for a half day/day so that you could have a fun 1:1 time with your DD? I’m sure you would both appreciate it.

One question. Was the girlfriend's family ever referred to social services? This may colour both her attitude and inform that of SS.

My niece and her bf are acting very similar and are same age.

My poor dsis was looking after her DGS and working full time while his feckless parents partied, and posted memes on FB about how to be a good parent.

I can't even look at my niece without wondering when she might cop the fuck onto herself.

My dsis would never involve SS as she loves DGS. Niece wanted to have him adopted at 2 weeks and my dsis was heartbroken.

My dsis has now been made redundant and is looking after DGS full time so at least I know he's loved and looked after but it makes me so angry.

I don't know what the answer is, but you are most definitely not alone in this situation.

My dsis just can't believe how terrible her DD is behaving.

Oh gosh OP. That sounds terrible.

It's really important that you are completely honest with the social worker. If you cover things up for S and DS, you aren't protecting DGD and in the SW's eyes that's very dangerous for DGD.

It's really important that they get an honest view of the situation so that they can accurately support you, S and DS to care for DGD. That may, or may not, mean that DGD is being cared for by S and DS, but they will only get the help they need (and importantly, the assessment for the help they need) if you open up to SS.

for you.

All I can say is thank god your granddaughter has you!! You are a saint ❤️