DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

You need to be completely honest with SS as others have said.

You also need to start thinking more about your DD. I'm not saying you're not, but she is showing clear signs she is distressed and isn't coping. She is seeing her brother go out drinking and taking drugs and getting all of Mum's attention. She is 11 and very vulnerable. She may start doing the same as she sees this is the only way she might get attention.

Whilst you are doing a great job you are also enabling DS and S to continue with their behaviour by looking after your grandchild.

As others have asked, where are they getting the money from to do this?!

Obviously you don't want to leave your grandchild with them but this can't continue. You can't 'hope' they will split up as you have already said they have done this several times and then got back together! If they did split up your son would probably stay with you and S will probably do that too. Your DD is living in an unhealthy environment which is starting to effect her behaviour.

Your grandchild is of course important, but you also need to start considering DD a bit more as she is already showing signs she isn't happy and doing things to get attention. What if she sees what is happening at home and thinks 'If I had a baby then Mum would give me more attention' or 'If I drank and took drugs Mum would give me the attention my brother gets'? As horrific as that sounds it might happen.

OP you are doing a fantastic job.

People saying she is enabling - do you not see she can’t leave the grandchild with them? I know you’re probably thinking they’ll have to step up and look after the baby if OP isn’t there but really... Would you go out of the house and leave a baby with heavy drug users who had been consistently negligent to try and ‘teach them a lesson?’ You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.

I think you've been amazing, OP, but when you're 'in the trenches' it's hard to see the situation in its entirety.

I think from what you've said that you're unintentionally facilitating them being a pair of feckless twats - they don't NEED to step up, because you will.

I also think that the lines of responsibility have become so blurred that it's hard to see but YOUR primary responsibility is to your daughter. That seems to be missed with the very immediate needs of the baby taking precedence. You need to think about what's best for her, then cut your cloth accordingly I think. Your DGD's situation will be assessed and support given, which is great - but if their proposed solution doesn't help your daughter's situation then I think you need to advocate for her. The SS will advocate for your DGD.

Best case scenario is getting those two chaotic individuals out of both the children's lives until they can demonstrate that they've grown up enough to be a part of family life again, whether you care directly for DGD or she goes to someone who can.

I actually think your DS needs to go. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but from your timeline it seems he was out first, taking drugs and shagging around. He should have been gone then when he didn't take responsibility for his behaviour.
If you could get some SS and HV input with S, yourself and baby to get a routine in place and responsibilities sorted then DS can visit when he is sober and drug free and build from there. I'm worried, as you might well be, that if they all leave your house, baby will be placed somewhere else. It's often not as simple as leaving baby with gma because she says she will have her! They have assessments and rules and if you admit to drug use in and around your home they will deem it unsafe and remove the infant.
Sorry OP, you sound like a hero. Does your son work? Could he get some temp accomadation near by to ease the situation at home?
Like others have said, be completely honest with SS, they are actually there to help the more venerable person in this which is you DGD xx

OP this is such a sad situation.

We went through / and are in a similar situation ourselves.

DHs sister was exactly as you describe your son and S. She had a child at 17 with 37 year old man. At the time we lived the other end of the country so we didn't know all that was going on. But it was as you have described your sons situation.

Roll forward 10 years, we have fully adopted the child. He is our son. Unfortunately in that time he spent years in foster care before all of the situation was fully known to all.

He has no contact with birth mum / DHs sister at all. These rights were removed as she was provided with lots of support and didn't ahear to any aspect, or turn up to visits for our son.

Like woodpigeons has explained, they are under resourced. We've had to 'fight' 6 years to get support we need for him. Things like possible FASD and attachment disorders really do need to be thought about if you do plan on caring for DGD full time / long term. They can really impact families.

Do you have any support yourself in all of this?

As others have said I would explain everything to SS to find out what your options are, and explore if they are able to offer any help for your DD in all of this. As it is very sad how affect she is.

I hope you get some help and as do your son and his girlfriend, who sounds as though she is going through a lot of trauma herself.

If S was only 16 when pregnant this should have triggered her MW/maternity services to to raise a safeguarding case and contact SS, especially so after she gave birth and before she was discharged home! I’m really shocked and surprised that S was discharged from hospital with no SS involvement!

Also the HV should have at least contacted SS, if S wasn’t already on the radar...

What I'm hoping for is DS and S split and go somewhere, I don't know where, for a while and get their head straight. And I have custody of baby for that. And then they start to mature and accept responsibility for baby. I honestly believe this could happen but first they need to break they cycle they are in which is proving very hard.

Thing is, op...that baby has already bonded with you. And that bond will deepen if you have custody. When (if) you ds and S want her back, she won't know them, she won't trust them, she won't feel safe with them. There is no bond. There is nothing. She won't want to leave you, and if (when) she does, it will cause all sorts of trust issues for her.

I know this is a rock and hard place situation...but

You risk losing your youngest daughter while raising a child that isn't yours. She is already unhappy, and resentful of the baby.

I think it’s for the best social services are involved and as others have said, honesty is the best policy. Your son and his girlfriend need to sort themselves out, they both do and lm not sure why people are focusing on her more than him. They both sound as bad as each other. If they are old enough to have sex then they should be old enough to accept the consequences. A DNA test would be a good idea as the baby may well not be your sons. Do they actually do anything for the baby? What would happen if you went out at 8am and didn’t return until 4pm? You are entitled to your own life and l assume you are not able to work at this time due to DGD. Good luck with it all, thinking of you

I don't think for one minute she should leave the baby with them, BUT by looking after the baby and basically being it's parent the kids don't NEED to do anything, and can just carry on drinking, doing drugs and going out until all hours, and then come home and sleep it off as 'Mum' is doing everything for the baby.

I don't know what the solution is, but by allowing them to live with her, to treat her house as a doss-house, to have zero respect for her and what she's doing, nothing is going to change.

Maybe the solution is to say to SS that OP will look after the baby BUT DS and S will move out. DD is suffering, and whilst this is all going on she will not improve.

Maybe once DS and S move out there is a less stressful environment with routine and no arguments, and DD will accept the baby.

this kinda thing really angers me me and DH were both 19 when ds1 was born and we did none of this, it may give them a wake up call.

How do they financially support themselves with all the socialising, drinking etc they do ? Are you left to pay for the baby things required ? Do they even do basic things like buying nappies etc ?

Honestly, I'd kick ds out now. Once I had advice and guardianship I'd kick her out too. He verbally abuses you and takes drugs. There's fat chance he'd be living with me. Even before the baby was born he sounds horrible.

I think you have to put your DD first in all of this, as it sounds like she is being deeply affected by the whole situation. She describes her home as a living hell, and you willingly admit that you are neglecting her.

You need to be absolutely honest with SS, and say that you need more than an offer of support. You need them out, and you cannot house them any more. Is DS or S working at all? Where do they get their money? They need to start growing up and meeting their responsibilities. Unfortunately you have (with the best will in the world) enabled their behaviour. You need to tell then that you cannot look after DGD, and then go out. What happens when you are at work or doing other things?

You need to be firm with SS - if you are willing to have them under your roof and help look after DGD then they will see this as a much less serious situation.

If there is any chance that you may consider looking after DGD long term, then you need to insist on a DNA test. I think S saw you coming - somewhere to live and someone to look after the baby. That's why she invited you to the scan.

Put in a report about them, put in for custody and give them a million reasons why. Also kick them out.

@LilQueenie

yabu to feel upset by the situation

What you meant to say was:

yaNbu to feel upset by the situation

You’re welcome

What a difficult situation.

Your DD and your DGD as the two children in this mess are equally important in ensuring that neither is neglected and they are both safe, well and happy.

Whilst neither is more important than the other in the "big picture", your personal first priority must be your DD as she is your actual daughter.

Is it hyperbole or truth when you say DD is neglected? 11yearolds have acquired baby full-blood siblings before and the family doesn't fall apart. Is she actually neglected or just getting less 1:1 attention than she would like

If you really can't meet the needs of both DD and DGD then you'll need to get SS to help find an alternative for DGD. Be completely honest with them about S's behaviour. DGD must not be used as a prop to allow S to access funds to party with.

well done on those nurses calling SS.
accept the help.
be totally honest
something has to change op

OP, you would like to have full responsibility for the baby, or at least you think that would be the best scenario. In that case, do you have a plan for childcare arrangements and for covering her expenses? If you want SS to leave her with you, you need to present yourself as very sorted.

SS won't allow S to go and live somewhere with the baby as she has no parenting skills and she is too young even for social housing. Likewise they can't just hand the baby over to you without her agreement. They should send S and the baby to a mother and baby assessment unit or an experienced foster placement where she will be encouraged to care for her baby and assessed to see if she is capable of caring for her and keeping her safe. If that doesn't work they can apply to the courts to have her parental rights terminated and then decide where she should go. You would certainly be their first choice, but I would talk think long and hard before you agree to that for the sake of your DD. Don't write off adoption outside the family; it may be the best option for this child who at best is likely to have a chaotic lifestyle if she stays with her mother. This option would be much harder for you than for your DGD; as the adoptive mother of babies placed with us at 4 weeks, 4 months and 12 months, I can tell you that the children bonded with us very quickly indeed despite coming from loving foster placements. I know this isn't what you would want but for the sake of your DD it's worth considering if all else fails.

What a difficult situation for you to be in.

Definitely time to give them a wake up call. I say this as an 18 year old mum. No, it's not always easy but once you have a child - that child becomes #1 priority and socialising etc takes a backseat. Without sugar coating it, their behaviour sounds hugely irresponsible and selfish. Not normal for parents of any age.

You have been marvellous for your DGD. Best of luck.

I’m amazed it has got so far without SS involvement tbh. What has happened when the health visitor visited for example? Has S played the loving Mother role and you have allowed her to? Who is paying for your DGD’s formula, nappies, clothing etc?

I’m in no way blaming you at all OP, you are doing the best you can in what is an impossible situation. I really feel for you , it’s just horrible. S has obviously had a tough life with no Mother and a Father who evidently doesn’t care very much. No idea about your DS but he sounds off the rails too and now you’re the one left picking up the pieces. You sound understandably attached to your DGD but do have to consider your DD too, she’s obviously struggling.

I hope SS can help and I only hope your DS and S turn their lives around soon. I had a child at a similar age and was nothing like this, not all teen parents are bad at all (and definitely don’t all need SS involvement...)

They should send S and the baby to a mother and baby assessment unit or an experienced foster placement where she will be encouraged to care for her baby and assessed to see if she is capable of caring for her and keeping her safe
It is worth looking into the realities of this, OP, as to the whether that would be a good with for S and baby (I would say not based on what you have said - S will likely fail; baby will miss you) and given the realities S may well agree for you to take charge temporarily. Like a pp has said, you will need to be able to convince SS that you are on top of it all.