DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

I have no advice but just want to say you sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother and although I feel desperately sorry for that little baby to have parents like that, I’m glad she has got you!

S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's

Sorry to be so .. 'pragmatic' but, without DNA testing, there is a possibility this baby is not even your son's/your dgd.

It's bad enough that you're having to raise a baby in place of her parents (at the expense of your own daughter apparently) but would you be so willing if the baby is not even related to you?

If you continue without confirming this, you'll get even more attached and invested; and perhaps want to continue pouring a this time and resources and effort, at the expense of your own family, into a child you're not even related to. It's ok if you choose to do that; but only if you know and choose.

S being a bit 'mad', apparently a partier, not sorted on contraception .. is she really reliable for knowing who she shagged when?

Oh goodness.

I think you have to tell the SW everything.

And you need to think about what you would like best.

Would the best solution for you be that (barring S having a parenting epiphany and stepping up) the baby stays with you and S and Ds Leave?

How would that impact in your Dd? Would it be manageable if it was Dd , the baby and you?

Or do you need S and baby in a supported living situation away from your home?

Would you keep your Ds at home if she was found other accommodation?

Good luck OP. I think the objective help of a SW could be a good thing, not a threat. And actually S could have benefitted from SW intervention earlier.

How are this pair funding their partying/drinking/weed/pill habits? Please don't tell me you are footing the bill?

I think that adoption would be the best course of action. There are so many people desperate to have a baby and the child would get the chance to grow up in a stable, loving environment. You are doing the most brilliant job but, with the best will in the world, if you are given guardianship, the fact that S and your DS are around and in and out of her life causing drama and stress it will mean that she is forever surrounded by instability.

Plus your DD is suffering badly although I am not sure what CAMHS will do. She doesnt have mental health issues as such - just a very very stressful home life. Can she go to her dad’s for a while? Or frankly kick this feckless pair out.

Very sad situation. I think with such a young baby the priority of ss would be to establish a bond between mother and baby. Where are her parents in all this? She may well be offered a care scenario herself with the baby. The relationship sounds toxic and you having the baby ft would affect your relationship with dd long term. Maybe you could offer to have the baby pt to support and give respite.

Oh and keep in mind that after all this work, time, effort, sacrifice etc. - again at the expense of your daughter - S is going to want her child back again sooner or later. When she moved out of this phase and starts to have more awareness.

Many of the worst mothers in the world go through phases of being possessive of their kids, aware that other women have theirs with them; while they don't, and awareness that they're being judged by others for having a baby they don't have with them.

I have no advice but really feel for the very difficult situation that you have been put in. I hope SS can offer some real help to all of you.

*moves out

I would absolutely discuss with SS the possibility of guardianship. I can imagine that the home situation is made a lot worse by you also having your son and gf there, coming and going at all hours and presumably leaving the cooking, washing etc to you to. Their behaviour is unpleasant for your DD also. Who wants someone who smokes weed around children. Discuss options with SS. Be honest and be clear that you want to support the baby however ss is best but that support is urgently needed.

You have to trust that the Social Worker is an experienced professional who is acting in the best interests of the child. You too are concerned about the best interests of the child.

Be open. They will be relieved to know there is a responsible adult in the child's life and that the child is therefore safe. They may have ideas on how to ensure the child's parents have the wake up call they need, or be able to decide both lack the maturity needed to be responsible parents.

I would though be clear on your boundaries, or as clear as you can be in your exhausted and worried state. Do you want the baby to move out or would you be willing to accept some sort of legal responsibility rather than risk losing the baby. Do you want the parents to move out, etc. Explore options and scenarios with the Social Worker. My assumption is that if they decide to aim for adoption they will want to do this as quickly as possible.

I almost feel sorry for the GF. Children having children is sad, and it does seem as if she has had a difficult upbringing. However she does not have to be your responsibility.

Things have changed greatly with regards to adoption in the courts. Social workers must leave no stone unturned in relation to supporting the parents, offering parenting classes, doing a parental capacity assess emend and looking at family as a source of care. Only then will they look at adoption.

Awful situation :( adopting her is the obvious choice but not easy when DD would be so upset. Or would she actually just get used to having a baby “sister” over time, if S and DS were out of the picture? It must be them and their awful behaviour and comings and goings all hours stressing her out as well.

I was going to mention DNA test too. I have no idea about these things but can they be done with your DNA to see if you’re related at all? Or is it only the parent and child? I don’t think resemblance can be relied on at all as it’s so subjective and can be seen because it’s looked for IYSWIM.

I think that adoption would be the best course of action. There are so many people desperate to have a baby and the child would get the chance to grow up in a stable, loving environment. You are doing the most brilliant job but, with the best will in the world, if you are given guardianship, the fact that S and your DS are around and in and out of her life causing drama and stress it will mean that she is forever surrounded by instability.

This is rubbish and I speak as an adoptive parent.
Children are better off with their birth relatives if at all possible.
We maintain contact with birth family for our children's sake.

Personally I think you and his father need to focus on your son. He's a druggie dead beat father. He needs to start acting like a responsible adult. Both of you need to sit him down and discuss his behaviour with him. The girlfriend might behave better if he does, but she's not yours. Your son is.

You both need to set expectations for him. From the way he talks to you. His drug taking, and his lack of responsibility to his child. And keep talking to him till he steps up.

It's also fairly likely she will be pg again soon, whether by your son or a random other.
This situation happened to someone I know, she adopted the grandbabies (twins). Her son went on to have more kids with other women and continued being a crap dad. Horrible situation. She was an amazing grandmother.

Good luck with the social worker OP it is for the best 💐

Ok so we have a 3 month old baby that the parents have basically got bored with?

Your DD who is 11 and struggling to adjust, who is witnessing her brother abuse you, who has also had to put up with her home being invaded by S, as well as acting out possibly due to a lack of attention.

You who have no choice but to step up because you are not going to abandon all of them but are trying your best to hold everything together.

Your Ex DH who seems helpful and reasonable and offered to have them all.

Social Care is now involved due to concerns the hospital had.

What I would do is at the meeting with the Social Worker, Tell them the situation from your point of view, including the drug use and abuse you see, using I statements not You statements (I am worried as I get the impression that both of you use drugs, I feel like I have to care for DGS and I am scared what would happen for him if I didn't, I care for you both but I can't cope with this, DD is being impacted and needs to feel loved and secure and not exposed to the abuse between you and towards me, I don't want her thinking that the relationship which is demonstrated is the right way to be and accept being treated. S I was happy to take you in and support you, but I am not DGS mum I need to know how I can help support you in being DGS mother, DS I love you but I am scared of you, DD I am sorry that this has impacted you and I love you. Then be silent and wait for them to speak, expect them to rage.

Remain calm, and once they have finished ranting, state again that you care for them both but this baby and your DD are being mistreated and this situation will not continue. We need to work together and I will support but your baby and child is your responsibility.

At this point, they might storm off

Your DD needs to see you supporting and fighting for her. Your DS and S need to know this situation is unacceptable and they have a child to care for, no matter how boring it is.

"Right, got to get DGD ready and take DD to school now."

So both parents are in the house & you can't/won't do the school run without her?

It must be hard to step back whilst she's in the house & you can see what's going on, but it's not helping anyone, is it?

I also think that you need to tell SS everything.

Your son sounds like an absolute pig who needs to find his own place & for your daughter's sake it sounds as if your GD & her mother need to be somewhere else with support but not on tap help.

.

I feel for both the parents, they are so young, not mature and have a child in an unsuitable relationship. But they can't keep running and hiding, they had sex, they have made a child, S has decided not to abort which is her decision but now they both need to decide what is next.

You need legal custody or else S could pick up DGD and walk away, and you’d be powerless to stop her being mistreated and neglected. Get custody then kick out both parents. And as pp have said, you need a DNA test first to ensure that DGD is actually yours.

I was your DD many years ago, it's had long repercussions as the grandchild & parents were the only focus of my DM.

It's been one long episode of drama-filled craptitude. I'd let SS deal with them!

Hope SS have some helpful advice

I think you're a good and caring person, however I can't help but wonder how much you've accidentally enabled this situation?

It's awfully hard not to step in and do things for people, when really we should be standing back and making it hard for them not to do it themselves.

I'm afraid saying no to babysitting/ being dumped on, lots so they can go out partying frequently, is what should have been happening.
You've been providing an environment and service where they're both free to not be responsible and behave like free range squabbling teens, not young parents.

How does S in particular, at this age with a messy background, learn to put her child first, when everything's laid on to allow her to behave like a headstrong teenager and only part time mother? It's likely that it's loosening bonds and encouraging her behavior.

Would she be running around like this if she didn't have a safe pair of hands making it attractive? Have you actually taken over a lot of the responsibility because you find her incompetent? I don't understand why else you'd be taking DGD on your DD's school run when her mum's there to look after her. Maybe I'm missing something.

If your DS should turn out not to be the father, any arrangements with SS may all be undone.
Equally at some point mum may well get pregnant again with your DS and things get very messy.

You should be honest with SS about the whole dynamic.
If you're all, including DD, to come out of this intact, the family dynamic and your boundaries need to change a lot, as well as the immediate situation.

Please don't think I'm trying to blame you, I'm not, just aware of my own and others behaviors in difficult situations that none of us came equipped with the skills for.