DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

I would speak to SS and see if they have any support services / groups, designed for teenage parents. They are becoming more rare as funding is next to nonexistent.

They really need to think long and hard about whether they will parent baby, or if they want to pass a guardianship onto you if you'd like that, or maybe foster care / adoption.

When I was at school you had the teenagers who were focussed either on their education or career. Alternatively you had some who thought having a baby would be amazing, for a multitude of reasons. Then you had those that got pregnant by mistake and took whatever action after counselling.

DGD Mother needs to get her own accommodation, I'm sure social services / council / housing association would and could sort that out. The only slight worry is DGD is seen as an incentive to certain things, so there's a chance she'll take baby with her, doing very little, unless she had 1-2-1 support frequently from SS courses / visits, plus a health visitor dropping by.

I'm sure you want the best for DGD, so it is a worry neither parent has even attempted to engage with their role. You have to think of your life too and how much you'd be willing to take on.

The notion is a good one, I remember girls getting excited about a chosen career route as a Mum, you can walk baby round shops all day etc. That was before tax credits, so there was even less of a monetary incentive.

I know it sounds like stereotyping, I think the Mum was unaware of how big a task it was. Since your Son doesn't do much, I guess there's an immature element of why should it always be me.

It must be so hard for you

Are you sure this is your sons child? I know you mention the scan but it all seems very chaotic.

I was just going to say the same. Has a DNA test been done?

Good grief this sounds absolutely dreadful. You must be so upset. I'd definitely involve SS.

Good luck.

Agree with the consensus about SS. You're doing amazingly, but things need to change with DS and S rapidly. Outside possible PND, the negligence is astounding.

You need to sit down whenever you can and think hard about what you want from the SS visit, and into the future.

Are you able to give SS the unvarnished truth about the concerns you have about the baby's neglect? You should do this. Don't try to hide the truth.
SS will have to respond.
For the sake of the baby, are you willing to put up with DS and the GF under your roof with SS monitoring the situation?
I think there is a likelihood of the GF using the baby as her ticket to accommodation, but a situation where nobody knows where she is living and is out of the reach of SS could be disastrous for the baby. As in utterly, unthinkably disastrous.
Are you willing or able to take on guardianship of the baby, or to adopt, and to kick out DS and the GF?
Think hard about this, as obviously DD11 lives with you too and you are about to be dealing with her teen years, secondary school adjustment, etc.
How would this hit you financially?
What benefits could you claim as a family adopter or legal guardian? Ask SS this.
Would you prefer to see the baby adopted outright by someone else? No doubt DS and the baby's mother would object, but if you honestly couldn't manage to keep all the balls in the air here, supporting DD both financially and emotionally, you should talk to SS about how this is set in progress.

From the sound of it, neither your DS nor the GF are ready or willing to be parents.

The baby is very lucky to have you.

Your situation is very hard indeed.

If you were to take a bit of a tough love stance and say look S you have to go, whatever is happening with DS & yourself is impacting us all, my DD needs to be a priority. The council would get her at least temporary housing, even if it was a B&B.

The issue you need to address with SS, there's quite a few unfortunately, the main one for me would be is S suffering mentally, which means she's avoiding as much as she can, as she doesn't want say her Dad etc to say, told you so.

Her live sounds very fractured, DD will resent you to a degree if you make S your priority, it's chaos that is not needed in your house.

I would write a list of concerns about S, concerns about DS, concerns about them as a couple, how things impact you, how they impact DD. Note down any incidents you feel should be shared. Then if you've got time, maybe think of a best case scenario in your mind, that doesn't impact everyone but the parents. So incident wise, DD felt agitated that your eH was offering to help, that made her feel like she was isolated & not get the support a teenager should get in her/your mind. Also DD being affected by babies Mum due to x/y/z.

Sorry just to add I would ask for a DNA test as she has quite a cushy life at present. You sound lovely OP, I'm sure you want baby to have the best start. Would the fact the child wasn't actually a DGC change anything.

I would make the baby the responsibility of the SS. You have a life time of responsibility for the baby with the constant influence of DS and S - that is not something I would like to deal with. True they might come to their senses any time and be DPs but if there is animosity between them and they are scoring points off each other, letting SS sort that out would be easier than any attempt by you.
And I would suspect that S might suddenly in the future decide she wants to be the mother and take baby away. Better SS is involved when that happens.
Waiting for DS and S to grow up is not ok as the baby suffers until they do, and possibly suffers more once in their care. You can't risk that. Get SS involved.

I am reluctant to have S leave as I am so concerned about what will happen to baby. To put it bluntly, baby is more attached to me than S and DS. I'm the one who's been up with her since she was 1 week old, cuddles her when she needs that, drives her round the block in the early hours because the car calms her down, and rushed her to A & E one night with my heart in my mouth convinced she could be dying. Neither of them did that and it was one of the worst nights of my life frantically trying to get hold of them both all drunk and stoned up while DGD was whisked away for all sorts of tests. I know they both love her, but not in a practical way IYSWIM?

I don't think they are beyond hope as her parents but they need to sort themselves out and they've got to realize that before they can even begin to change. I don't know how to help them do that.

@LilQueenie are you reading a different thread, they're living in OPs home, she's taking care of the baby, it's causing her to neglect her own child, she's bending over backwards and doing more than should be expected.

Under the circumstances mad is a very restrained name and I think the hearsay has been proved.

OP I echo honesty with SS and also a DNA test. You're in an awful situation.

I've only brought up DNA test once in a private conversation with DS a few weeks before DGD was born. I got a hostile response from him saying he wouldn't be dealing with her shit if he thought it might not be his, that I'm accusing him of being a mug and to keep my f*cking nose out. Decided to take his word for it.

For what it's worth there's very much a phsyical resemblance and I strongly believe she's his. Haven't doubted it since she waa born. I'm sure SS will have something to say, though.

I don't know the legalities of everything OP but I'm hoping that somehow you can be made a legal guardian of your DGD so that you're not constantly controlled by the fear of her safety should you say the wrong thing to the GF.

You have to be honest with SS, your DGD is not safe in the care of either parent and your DD needs more stability

@@WeepsForScares you're having such a tough time, they're so bloody immature.

Until you said you had a younger dd my first reaction was to kick your ds out and help S. It sounds as though she has made a decision not to parent because she isn’t coping whereas your ds has decided none of you exist, the baby included, which even at his age is pretty despicable. Idk if will be possible for her to stay now. It would perhaps depend how she reacts to SS.

What an awful situation for you and the baby. I agree that you definitely should not sugar coat the situation. I feel dreadfully sorry for your dd and the baby.

OP - well done for stepping up to the mark ❤️
However you need SS help to sort these two out. They both need a short sharp shock now.
I do realise that you are beyond attached to you DGD but my worry is that those two will blackmail you forever regarding taking her away and call all the shots if you don't get something sorted out.

Jesus. I'd phone SS for sure. Good luck OP

Welcome SS, this is what they are there for.

You sound really attached to your DGD so SS may talk to you about having custody.

The situation you are in cannot go on, it is not good for anyone and I can fully understand your 12 year old feeling pushed out.

Sounds awful OP and you're doing a great job but this needs to stop the sake of this baby and you're dd. Speak to the SS tell them what's going on and I would be evicting both of them and request custody of the baby until they sort themselves out that's if they ever do.

I am a social worker and I would say it is a good thing that they are coming to visit. You must be honest about everything and also be prepared to be asked if you would continue to care for the baby for the foreseeable future.

You could apply for a Residence Order which would give you more powers in relation to the child if you wish (I practice in Scotland so not sure if it is called the same thing in England).

There are many grandparents caring for their grandchildren and doing a great job. Your GC is lucky to have you.

Tell the social worker everything. This is a golden opportunity for change. It’s a shame that neither parent sounds mature enough.

It’s a child arrangements order in England/Wales now, rather than a residence order (I think).

What a shitty situation OP. The problem you will have is that at the moment dgd is taken care of by you, so although SS may keep an eye on things, I can't see them doing much. And what can they do? Dgd is better with you than foster care. If you come down too hard on either your ds or s you risk them taking dgd and then dgd is in a worse situation. Ss takes so long to take action.

I think all you could possibly do is ask ds to leave, or maybe even give him no choice and tell him to leave. You also have your own dd to consider.

It's a shitty, shitty situation. I can't see S signing over the baby to your care. Is shenin receipt of benefits at all? How is she supporting herself financially? How is your ds supporting himself? Do they have their name down for council housing?

I hope things work out for the best. I have friends who had children young and were brilliant mothers. I feel so sad for you and your DgD. I hope she gets the home she deserves

Aww @WeepsForScares you sound like a total angel. If you're happy with residency your DGC will have an amazing start, once DD has settled she'll see the benefits too.

I understand the reluctance of kicking out S, if you have a residency order, I believe she would have to jump through so many hoops with what you've told us.

Take when DGC was poorly, I'm guessing you let both of them know, plus further interaction as you started to worry about possible causes. They both should have been back ASAP. Firstly as their child is ill, secondly it's not in the least bit fair to leave you looking after a poorly baby 24/7 by yourself. It's not DD's job either.

Please make a list, it may be difficult, as you don't want to upset either of them. When do they show you that courtesy? Not to be rude, but to highlight realistically nothing screams they want an active parenting role.