DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

I knew it would be hard but never imagined it'd be this hard. I expected them to struggle and need my help for a while and thouht they'd probably split but would at least find their feet and look after DGD's needs. But nope. They sod off every weekend to parties and smoke weed (and in DS's case probably taking pills. Have no way of proving) and drink then come home the next morning and row about who cheated on who at so and so's party and barely acknowledge their baby. Then spend the day sleeping it off while I'm out running errands and having to drag baby along with me.

Op I’m absolutely appalled by the attitudes of the baby’s parents. However my concern is that if you did adopt the baby officially, how is that going to change the situation? Will you have the strength to then kick the parents out or will they not be mature enough to realise that they no longer have any rights over the baby? In a way I can see the situation getting worse if not better, even though it’s plain that you would be the best hope for this poor girl. Sorry if that makes little sense, I just wonder whether they would see the adoption as you taking in official responsibility and they’d just carry on as they are?

For what it's worth I think you need to decide whether you want to be the baby's legal guardian for now at least because neither of them are fit parents. Social services may be able to support them with parenting lessons but unless they engage nothing will change. If not then the baby being adopted would be in the baby's best interest, she deserves to have parents who are attentive and put her first (which you are but do you want to be a mum again?) It sounds like in your ex you have some support, and if social services do decide they are not fit parents, talking to him about what should happen in advance of the meeting is a good idea.

There's no good solution as they are simply not mature enough to take on the responsibility, it is just a case of what is best for dgd, your dd and you.

Oh, and you might find these people helpful. The Family Rights Group support families in contact with social services. They have an advice line and will be very experienced in dealing with situations like yours.

frg.org.uk

Horrible situation so you need to get practical and push the emotional reasoning away for a bit.

Where will you all be in a year if you do nothing? That is not what you want.

Disclose everything. Make SS and DS and S aware of the level of help you’re willing to provide and put it in writing. You actually have a duty of care to your DGD and this will either
mean she gets a better standard of care from her parents or from someone else.

What a crap situation. I agree that SS should absolutely be told the whole position. But I would just be alive to the risk that SS sees the baby as ultimately being cared for well enough (given you are doing it) even if parents are pretty crappy and so would much rather you limp on as is rather than them have to do anything particularly if it involves money. Given where I am at least SS are wildly overstretches.

So in your shoes I would think carefully about what you want and what you are willing to do if they won’t help in the way you want. You might have to be willing to force their hand.

Rainatnight Thank you so much for that informative post, and to everybody else.What I'm hoping for is DS and S split and go somewhere, I don't know where, for a while and get their head straight. And I have custody of baby for that. And then they start to mature and accept responsibility for baby. I honestly believe this could happen but first they need to break they cycle they are in which is proving very hard.

They're an absolute disgrace

You son sounds like a dreadful person, he's verbally abusive towards his gf, mother and little sister and neglectful to his DD. He deserves to be kicked out but either way having him and S living with you is unsustainable. Your poor DD is really suffering in this situation as well and I feel most sorry for her. Tbh it sounds like adoption with a stable couple outside the family would be great for this little one, it could be an open adoption so that you could still maintain contact. I have two friends both adopted as a baby and they've grown up in to happy, incredible people who have amazing adoptive families. If you feel she would be better off staying with you then I suppose you could propose that to SS as well but it shouldn't be up to you to pick up after DS's failings. S has obviously had a rough time in life, noone wants to have their mother die in childhood, have an unsupportive father and get pregnant at 16. Regardless of S's circumstances though you're not her mother and you're not responsible for her. SS could house her and support her, she definitely sounds like she needs support. S will probably be pregnant again soon if not by your son by someone else if she's craving attention and love due to her difficult background and your son looks set to become a father soon too so I'd buy him a bumper box of condoms. I hope she's got the Nexplanon implant in or an IUD/IUS, something with a low likelihood of user failure basically.

I haven't read the whole thread, but speak to the SW about applying for a Special Guardianship Order.

You need to become the baby’s official kinship carer.

I know SW wants to chat to us all together and then seperately so might bring up possbility of guardianship then? Will have to speak to DD though as I know she'll be upset, she's not said but think she's hoping SW will take baby and things will go back to "normal".

What would happen if you refused to have the baby at the weekend so they couldn’t go out?
What would happen if you woke up mum every time the baby cried for a feed?

You don’t have to step in. You’re making it easy for them.

I hope the SS can offer a mother a baby unit and S gets some much needed guidance and your kick your DS out

I’ve no further advice to the previous posts, but just wanted to remind you, that you are amazing. What you have done/doing for your DGd is wonderful, she is very lucky to have you.

It’s a good thing SS are now involved.
Good luck to you x

Right, got to get DGD ready and take DD to school now. Thank you everyone for advice, was up very late last night with DGD and needed to speak about it to someone Glad of useful information to have recieved

To be blunt it sounds as if adoption might be the best option for the poor little mite. Especially as it might well not be your gs. If she stays with you she'll be stuck with her parents, even with you as guardian, which doesn't sound ideal.

Your DS sounds awful! Where is he getting his money? Because I wouldn’t be paying for anything.

I know you’ve said there’s a strong resemblance to your ds but I would consider a DNA test. It would probably be straight forward to do without your son’s knowledge as he sounds incredibly abusive.

I think what you’re doing sounds amazing. I feel incredibly sorry for your dd and that you’ve had this foisted on you. Could your ex DH take the baby on the odd occasion so you could have time with your dd?

I agree contact SS and be open. Encourage your DS and S to listen. My son in law is a social worker dealing with children's services and there is support for young parents. He places them in foster homes to learn how to parent with support, parents and baby together although if you are happy for them to stay with you as long as they behave you might want to consider that. You also have your DD to consider too. Social services are there to help and support and are not the big bad wolf where the first thing they do is remove the child.that is the last resort. However if your DS and S don't step up and are abusing you then you might have to tell them to go. Sounds like they were too young and immature to have a baby which sadly is not unusual.

The fear I would have with your plan is DS and / or S holding it against you, keep turning up and accusing you of taking their baby, getting verbally abusive. If they had supervised visits and were not allowed near your house then that might be better (but probably not possible to set this up).

Would your DD be calmer about it if it was just you, her and the baby? No DS and S drama?

No advice but bless you, sounds like you've been brilliant for your Granddaughter but as others say this can't continue.

Hopefully SS will offer the support you all need

OP you sound as though you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

Do you work at all? Would having the baby permanently without DS and S there be financially ok for you?

Taking the baby out of the picture for a minute your DS’s behaviour sounds rubbish. Did his smoking weed and taking drugs have a negative impact on your DD before any of this?

Gosh, what an awful situation OP. Just wanted to say well done for everything you've done so far. She's a very lucky little girl to have you.

Hope they are both using contraception!

It sounds like an almost impossible situation. I think the two teens need to move out and live independently as adults, either together or apart, which probably means you evicting them. They will grow up and mature more quickly that way. Perhaps they would agree to you fostering DGD or even adopting her?