Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/05/2019 21:01

Your dh needs to clearly tell her that it is not an option

Has he done this?

VampireSlayer19 · 23/05/2019 21:02

Nope! Your DH needs to sort this out!

BookwormMe2 · 23/05/2019 21:03

You need to make it crystal clear to your DH that she will NOT be moving in under any circumstances and he can tell her because she's his mum. If he doesn't, make it clear he's putting your marriage in jeopardy.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:03

He has said it wouldnt work for us as we live in a two bed flat and she just laughed saying she sleeps on the sofa during the weekly visits so that doesn't bother her.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 23/05/2019 21:03

He keeps saying it probably won’t happen? Does he understand that it’s your home and it’s your decision whether someone moves into it or not?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 21:04

No fucking way. Never going to happen. She's only 58 and more than capable of sorting her own affairs. Do not waver, op. Your mental health is at stake.

ohfourfoxache · 23/05/2019 21:05

Not a fucking chance.

If she moves in then can you move out? Give dh an ultimatum

Littlefish · 23/05/2019 21:05

Your dh needs to make it absolutely crystal clear to his mother that her moving in is never going to happen.

S1naidSucks · 23/05/2019 21:06

Absolutely not! He needs to tell her straight and you need to tell him you’re serious about him moving out or that you will move back home/out, if she moves in.

She’s only 58, that’s not even retirement age nowadays. I thought you were going to say she’s in her 80s, though the answer would still have been no!

coconutpie · 23/05/2019 21:07

No fucking way.

Awrite · 23/05/2019 21:07

Wait a minute ... she stays overnight on her weekly visits?

Knock that on the head pronto.

Bloody hell woman - take control.

And, of course it's a 'no' to her staying for a month.

Sparkletastic · 23/05/2019 21:07

DH needs to tell her no and put a stop to the weekly overnighters whilst he's at it

Squigglesworth · 23/05/2019 21:09

"Probably" won't happen? He's a grown man with a wife and family of his own, and he needs to put his foot down and say that it definitely won't be happening.

A (relatively) healthy 58-year-old can certainly live on her own. Or if she's lonely, she can arrange to have a roommate. I wouldn't allow her to move in-- especially if she has a history of causing you problems.

IsabellaLinton · 23/05/2019 21:09

No no no. Nip this idea in the bud as quickly as possible! Your DH needs to tell her it’s not even up for debate. It’s not an option.

StillMedusa · 23/05/2019 21:09

Not a chance.
I'm only a couple of years younger than that ... she does NOT need to move in with anyone, and even if she had health or other problems.. nope.
It needs to be made crystal clear that she cannot come and stay for ANY length of time...and it is your DH's job to be blunt to her!

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:10

She lives 45 minutes away and said getting the train late at night gives her anxiety Hmm, it never used to bother her until we said "no more sleepovers". She arrives at about 10am on "her day" and doesn't leave until 9pm (or the next day at about noon)

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:12

This started when we moved out as teenagers (I moved in with DH and his mum at 18). After 6 months of psychological and emotional abuse I moved out (while pregnant with my first) and DH came with me. She then demanded weekly visits as I'd stolen her son and DGC Sad

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 23/05/2019 21:14

No.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 21:15

Your DH needs to tell her it’s not even up for debate. It’s not an option.

Exactly what @IsabellaLinton said. Not a chance and there will be no further discussion about it.

BogglesGoggles · 23/05/2019 21:16

Do you have a friend you can go and stay with when she turns up?

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 23/05/2019 21:16

She's only 3 years older than me. Needs to get a fucking grip. No way would I move in with my adult children, nor would they let me.

Stick your ground PLEASE.

Sexnotgender · 23/05/2019 21:17

She sounds like a nightmare.

Tell him if she moves in your moving out.

CoraPirbright · 23/05/2019 21:18

She then demanded weekly visits as I'd stolen her son and DGC

Good grief! Thank goodness DH has cottoned on. Under no circumstances should she be allowed to move in for a month .......she will never leave, you know that right? And a whole month with someone on your sofa? Even a best mate who you adore and who will be incredibly considerate and a right laugh would be too long to have stay for a month!!

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:19

I could stay at my DM house but I really don't want to live with ANY parent if I can help it.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 23/05/2019 21:19

Do you currently have any support in place eg a therapist or counsellor, or support group? Your MIL sounds like hell on wheels and your H well-meaning but probably not tough enough (he's had to deal with his bullying mum for his whole life; children who have bullies for parents often struggle to 'just stand up to them'.) Are your own parents in the picture at all, or your H's brothers/sisters? You're going to need some sort of back up to keep the wretched woman at bay.