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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
Listlover · 23/05/2019 21:20

Wow, you are already being far more accommodating that you need to be.
If the train gives her anxiety then perhaps she could get a taxi.
But you need to be crystal clear to hear that she will not be moving in. I’m not for oh that’s up to your dh to sort it, it’s your home too so let her know it’s not happening and the sooner the better

carly2803 · 23/05/2019 21:20

oh god no!!

Tell your DH if she moves in, your moving out.
Also stop the weekly stay overs immediately

I mean this as nice as I can but get a back bone and stand your ground!

Gigglinghysterically · 23/05/2019 21:20

If she is buying a place for herself what are her living arrangements atm? Does she rent but she now has the money to buy somewhere. If so, there's no reason for her to move in. It will also take longer than a month for a house purchase to go through.

Also, as you don't get on, why on earth are you allowing her to stay overnight on the sofa each week? You really do need to speak to your DH and make him understand that you won't have her stay and if he doesn't support you he can move out too.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 21:20

Your DH needs to tell her it’s not even up for debate. It’s not an option.

Are you crazy?! You do not and are not moving out of YOUR OWN HOME for your MIL. That is utter madness.

Summerorjustmaybe · 23/05/2019 21:22

Remind your dh he is responsible for you now not his dm.
And there will be no marriage or marital goings on with her under your roof. The sleepovers need stopped ASAP.
Your dc do not need a dgm at the expense of your mh.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 21:22

Sorry op, I was commenting on YOUR last post. Not the one that starts my last post.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:22

All my DH family live over 200 miles away. None of them could put up with MIL for that long (her other sons included!)
I do have a parenting group I go to that help with everything we are going through (they know all about my previous problems with MIL) but its only on fortnightly. We recently got a support worker for my DD through a community programme as she suffers from anxiety so they could help us too.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:25

MIL is living in her mothers property and has another small property. She needs to sell gran's house and the other property is unfit for human habitation because of her hoarding and mess

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/05/2019 21:25

Weekly stay overs or she stays all fucking day? Are you on your own with her? There’s just no way in hell I’d allow that. That needs cutting down right now!

She can get an Airbnb if she wants somewhere to stay. Get your dh to tell her ASAP so she stops whingeing on about it.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2019 21:27

the other property is unfit for human habitation because of her hoarding and mess

Whose hoarding? Your mil’s?

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:28

I'm not on my own with her as "her day" is on one of the days my DH is off work.
I felt bullied when she first started the weekly visits, I was really vulnerable and wanted to keep the peace. Now so much time has passed my DH doesn't know how to stop the weekly visits without a load of drama.

OP posts:
WhoWasIt · 23/05/2019 21:30

No, no and thrice no!
I would be telling my DH that if she comes through the front door, i would be going out of the back and booking into a hotel with the kids for the duration of her stay.
Her or me, his choice.
I would be knocking her weekly visits on the head too.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:30

The small property was the one we all lived in together. When we moved out she started hoarding and throwing mess around. Thats why she came to us. Then she moved out of that place leaving it as it were because she wanted to look after her mum with dementia. She died last year and that small property hasnt been touched in about 4 years

OP posts:
Cheby · 23/05/2019 21:31

She arrives at about 10am on "her day" and doesn't leave until 9pm (or the next day at about noon)

Every fucking week?! 😮

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:32

Same day, every week since we moved out in 2009. Sad

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 23/05/2019 21:32

She stays over weekly even though she only lives 45 minutes away?

FFS she should be gone at 5pm at the latest.

First step is you need to break up 'her day' so it isn't set in stone. Make arrangements to go out or miss a week.

You are living a nightmare.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/05/2019 21:32

Fuck me! This is outrageous. I am 50, I have an 8 year old son, at 58 she is perfectly sodding capable of NOT doing this shit. If I told my adult daughter I was "moving in" she'd quite rightly tell me where to go. What is it with these mad MIL's?? You're going to have to face the drama. The drama will be hers and hers alone. "Sorry MIL, this isn't working for us anymore and we'll visit you when we can". CF.

cranstonmanor · 23/05/2019 21:33

Now so much time has passed my DH doesn't know how to stop the weekly visits without a load of drama.

Then he stops them with drama, and make it even more dramatic by telling her that not only can't she sleep over anymore, but no visits every single week either.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:34

We have made plans on the day she visits and she decides to come with us. I could go skydiving on her day and she would want to be apart of it because that week day is "her day".
The older our kids get the more DH sees how constricting and unrealistic it is

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 23/05/2019 21:34

From today you need to stop the weekly sleep over. This woman caused you so much trauma that you needed therapy - she does not get to stay in your home again. You are now an independent couple, parents to your own kids and you can stand up to this woman. Explain to your Dh that these overnight visits are no longer an option and that hell will freeze over before you agree to her staying if she sells the house. Please take control. She cannot insist on anything that affects you to such an extent so maybe it's time to be very blunt and tell her to fuck right off.

Drum2018 · 23/05/2019 21:38

We have made plans on the day she visits and she decides to come with us

You need to tell her you won't be there next week. Don't give any further information. If she asks where you're going simply say 'out for the day, see you in a couple of weeks'. If she has a key to your apartment it's time to change the locks so that if she did arrive she won't get in.

LordNibbler · 23/05/2019 21:38

Ok, I must be missing something here. This woman has abused you and yet you let her stay at your house every week? And you want her to have a relationship with your children? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:38

Id love to tell her to fuck right off and the only reason I have put up with so much shit was because I love my DH more than I hate her. I wanted my kids to have a decent relationship with their grandparents. And I thought I was reading too much into it at first.
My DH used to tell me "it was all in my head" when I had PND 8 years ago. MIL played on that a lot.

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 23/05/2019 21:40

She lives 45 minutes away and said getting the train late at night gives her anxiety hmm, it never used to bother her until we said "no more sleepovers". She arrives at about 10am on "her day" and doesn't leave until 9pm (or the next day at about noon)

WTAF?
I would be saying NO to sleepovers and HELL NO to the move in

user1497997754 · 23/05/2019 21:40

Seriously you need a kick up the backside Jesus stand up for yourself.....you need to set boundaries for yourself set an example for your family.....no sleepovers....no moving in end of....it's simple just say it your creating your own anxiety by being weak....get a grip..

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