MIL insisting she moves in!

[AlphaOn]

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before

She's a young woman who needs to learn to detach herself from her son.Make it an absolute no and insist that your son tells her.

She is unhappy and needs some friends.
It is not the job of a child to keep their parents company.
It will not be easy, she will not be easy, but your life doesn’t sound easy as it is due to her behaviour. At least making changes to keep her a bay will have future benefits. The outcome will be depend on the willlingness of your dh to support you. I hope he does.

I've read the first 100 posts and my position on this would be absolutely no to her moving in. For one thing if she is that much of a horder, what is to say that she wouldn't start 'gathering' stuff in your two bed flat?
That is aside from the main issue about her contributing to your negative health.

Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and now is a perfect time to stop the weekly visits and the possibility of her moving in with you.
You tell your DH that it is either his mother moves in and you're moving out, permanently, or he tells her that the visits are no longer suitable for you and any visits must be during the day at a mutually agreeable location that is outside both homes. Then you both go home after the visit.
Cut those visits out immediately. Shit woman, they've been going on since 2009??? Enough already! Your DH would prefer to have you distressed rather than his mother and why would that be? Probably because he wants a quiet life and you're not going to complain as loudly as she would. Well I'd be complaining loud and clear. Nana needs to stop staying over and start being her own independent woman.
I'm cross on your behalf @AlphaOn. I can't believe it's been going on this long!

If it was my MIL I'd say sure you can move in... to the shed.

@SavingSpaces2019:
^You posted this exact same problem not that long ago - and you haven't taken any of the advice on board or done anything about it.
Even now you're not actually prepared to do anything about it but moan. why bother even posting?^

Where has the OP posted before? Was it under a different name? How can you be sure that it is the same person??

Has anything happened OP?

I'd be tempted to tell your DH that if she moves in, the next things he gets is divorce papers....

Any updates OP?

You definitely are not obliged to do this and you need to make this clear.

My MIL passed away a few months ago after 25 years of calling the shots and making my life a misery. Her husband was her servant and when he passed away I became his replacement. She suffered with depression and I commiserate, but she always felt so sorry for herself and made sure we all paid, regardless of how hard we tried to make everything nice for her. When we cleared out her house I saw all the presents I bought her and realised I have nothing at all from her to me. Not that I asked for or expected anything, but on a personal level there was nothing for me. I was a means to an end, my husband let it happen because she's very difficult and he wanted a quiet life. But I was the one who paid.

I regret all those years of command performances, visits that I didn't want, the insulting comments, the way she judged my housekeeping, the schools I chose and how completely she controlled our lives. I have done what was expected of me so have no regrets on that level, but I also have not had the life I wanted or deserved.

It's YOUR life and YOUR family. If I could go back 25 years I would have put my foot down from the beginning and laid down very clear rules for the life I wanted for me and my family, supported by my husband.

Why would you endure this crap so your kids can have a relationship with someone you cannot stand. I wouldn't let my kids near this woman.

The weekly visit, when it is as stressful as you say, is a visit too much already.

At least if she moves closer she won't have to stay over. I would not have her to stay as she will not leave - stress to your DH the impacts she had on you and does he wants this for his DC, too??

Yeah NOOOOOOO. All you need is one sentence and a will of iron. "That doesn't work for me."

If you're not careful she'll start manipulating your children too!

I would limit the time on the day she comes. Tell her that you'll be taking her to the station to get the X-0-clock train (check the times in advance so you know when they are). As she comes every week she really doesn't need to spend so long - she could come for half a day if necessary.

Then you start to tell her that next week's visit isn't convenient (and don't have to say why, just say you have a lot of appointments and things to do) and you'll see her the following week. And don't take no for an answer. If you think she'll just turn up then make sure you're out …. and if she has a key, change the lock. She won't be happy if she's had a wasted journey but then that will be the consequence of her ignoring you. And if you do go out and she's still there when you come back, take her to the station. Tell her sorry but you did explain it wasn't convenient.

And do this frequently so that the visits become every two weeks then every three weeks … then as often as you can cope with them.

The other alternative is to say you'll go to here but I guess the house isn't suitable? If not then meet her somewhere for lunch … just near her house not yours.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. It sounds awful. Like all the mumsnet advice, mine is you need to put your foot down now.

Do not let her move in with you under any circumstances - she has two properties. She can sell her mother's house and move into another in the usual way. If her circumstances are complicated they are not your responsibility. If you let her stay at yours 'for a week or so' she will have no incentive to move out.

Tell your DH you refuse to have her living with you becauses she causes you harm. Even the thought of it is causing you harm. Insist he tells his DM she cannot move in under any circumstances. You need the reassurance of him saying categorically no. 'Probably won't move in' won't do - probably suggests it is out of your hands. You can also say no yourself.

If DH would be interested in a wider perspective show him this thread.

You are working hard to support and bring up your family. You should be proud of yourself, as should your DH. Don't suggest you will move out if MIL moves in. It is your home and she is not moving in. She is clearly malevolent rather than life enhancing and you need to protect your safe space.

MIL is about my age. It sounds as though you and DH are fairly young and you have been under her thumb since your teens. Now is the time to put your foot down. Look at all you have achieved and take pride in the fact that you have been stoic and resolute and tried to do the right thing. If you were my dd I would be very proud of you.

Finally, when thinking about what is best for everyone include what is best for yourself. Set aside a part of yourself to stick up for you. Sometimes you have to send out a lifeboat to yourself.

Oh - and if she has a key change the lock.

please read & reread sarahjconnor's post.

This is all you need to know.
You say all the rest of the family wouldn't take it, so you mustn't either.
Tell your H that it is not an option, that once a week is going to be reduced to once a month & if she moves near you, You will move out.
Say it & Mean it,
seriously, tell your H that you will not survive this. Its just a
NO

Get them both told it's not happening under any circumstances. There are short term lets and that's what she'll have to do.

No, just no, that has the potential to break your family. Absolutely not.

Reap what you sow, she has done badly, a no answer is what she deserves.

Tell you DH that things need to change NOW.

• Wednesday’s are NOT ‘her day’. She can visit when invited.

• She is NOT staying over anymore. 45 minutes is nothing.

• re her moving in, NO more saying ‘it probably won’t happen’. It will NOT happen

You WERE young and vulnerable, she took advantage of that, but you’re NOT now. Pull up your Big Girl Pants and stop putting up with it.

You didn’t ‘steal’ her baby boy, he (supposedly) grew up and left home. It’s what children do. Do all his friends parents still control their lives?

Replace your sofa with a two seater.

Take down the curtains in your lounge, they block out too much light.

Relax!

Why do ops not come back having had such Sterling advice? And according to some posters not the first time by the look of it.

Tell your husband that she's not moving in, that she doesn't have "her day", and that she will only be coming when invited from now on and stay for as long as you, not her, decide.

And that if he doesn't support you on this, you're getting a divorce. Then be ready to follow through if he doesn't support you.

This is completely intolerable. Your family can't be under your MIL's thumb like this.

Why in God's name do you want to foist a nasty manipulative bitch on your children, grandparent or not. Do you not think it would be healthier for them, for you, to be happy and not stressed by all the shitty baggage that she brings with her?

If your DH wants to see her let him sort out her accommodation and selling the houses and getting her someone permanent to live so she is no longer under the impression that she can just descend on you.

She's only 58! Tell her she can move into supported living if she really can't live alone due to being old before her time.

You may have to tell her yourself that she cannot stay at your house. You can do it.
If she takes offence and falls out with you - won’t that be a bonus?
You do not need to give her reasons why not. Just say I’m sorry but you cannot stay.
Good luck. You will be ok.

I'd tell dh the moment she stays is the moment you and dc go.
That should help him sort it out.
He's your problem, not mil, he needs to sort it once and for all.