MIL insisting she moves in!

[AlphaOn]

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before

At 58 my ex was surfing, riding, participating in extreme sports, traveling like mad and having the time of his life.

He is not dead or sleeping in his adult son’s sofa, just out romancing younger women. .

This is not a granny that needs hosting while she finds a new place, she just needs to clear her clutter, sell and buy another house. If you allow her to live with you temporarily, she wouldn’t ever get around about doing either (and you will see her clutter overwhelming your house promptly)

Why does she have to stay? She is only 58! And lives 45 mins away! My daily journey to work is twice that and I'm 54. Cut her visits and tell her she is not staying any more At All. She sounds vile.

She can only control you if you and dh let her. It's only you two that can stop this.
I wouldn't want 50% of all my days off taken up by my parents and I love them to bits.

Start gradually limiting the time she spends. Tell her that one of "her days" is the only opportunity to do something. Don't give any details so she can muscle in. Increase the weeks that you don't have her or limit it to a day but no sleepovers. Swap and change so it no longer becomes her day but you are making arrangements to see her as and when.
Make your dh appreciate that his marriage is on the line if he doesn't support you in this.

Again she can only control you if you let her.

If she moves closer she'll want to see even more of you. Make it clear this will not happen and she shouldn't choose a house expecting that.

My mil (who I also don’t get on with!!) went through a phase of apparently planning to move in with us. When it came to the phone all where she told dh she was going to put her furniture into storage, he had a very blunt conversation the next time he visited her. He told her she was not moving to live with us and to avoid any future confusion about the topic he offered to put into writing the fact that we had at no time asked her to do so. Part of the furniture into storage conversation had been her assertion that I had ‘ordered’ her to move in!

She can’t be that bad if you want your kids to have a relationship with her?

I don’t think your mil is the issue here, it’s your dh.

She has two houses so she can stay in one when the other has been sold. If it is unhabitable due to hoarding then she needs to address this and can ask for your help which you may or may not be able and willing to give.

If she needs to rent a third property short term then let her do this.

If her weekly overnight visits are too much for you then you can take steps to reduce the contact.

Being called Nanna or Nanny does not matter in itself, I think you are sensitive about this because she is generally disrespectful of you and your feelings and you have not felt able to maintain healthy boundaries with her. Step up OP and stand up for yourself and your DC. I appreciate this is not easy to do and counselling could really help you to acquire the skills necessary to handle MIL.

Haven't read whole thread but I'll take a wild guess and say we're talking Italian origins here? Be very careful or she'll be with you forever.

How old are the children? One of them will be at school sn - what will she do when they both are at school?

You could always send them to nursery on Wednesdays.....

Have read all of this thread. Its actually probably put my blood pressure up.
OP I think she has done you a favour with the moving in request. It is obviously so preposterous that it gi es you the chance to bring up the whole matter of your relationship with her for review.
I would tell her (you do not need Hs permission for this) that although she is important to you you both feel that you need time as your own little unit, so you dont want her to move in and actually you feel that now is a good time to point out that her weekly visits are becoming quite intrusive. Therefore you will be cutting these back to once a month.
Then buy some fizz and spend next weds in bed together.

I am sorry if this has already been suggested but if she turns up at 9 could you go out at like 8? And if she texts say sorry we had something planned had to leave early speak to you later and ignore any messages from her for the day? If it is your home 50/50 with your partner then she cannot move in without your say so. Its a bigger deal to have her move in than to have her in a grump because she couldn't so DP needs to understand that. Honestly I wish I knew who you were so I could send a message to your MIL telling her to F off your mother in law sounds worse than mine and I don't put up with my MILs BS. Although I appreciate its easier said than done!

This is resolved quite simply by telling her that she can't visit weekly anymore because having such a rigid schedule doesn't work for you. If she insists then stay elsewhere with the DC for the duration of her visit.

In relation to moving in, a straightforward "no you can't". Rinse and repeat.

You don't have to see her. You don't have to abide by her schedule of staying over every single week despite the fact she only lives 45 minutes away! How does she get to and from your place, if getting the train gives her "anxiety"?

I understand you don’t want to be horrible to her out of respect and love for your DH.

You and your DH need to talk and come to an agreement over a plan of action. Calmly tell her a month of her being on the sofa would be stressful and your dc would find it stressful as there’s no room to accommodate someone on the sofa long term.

Look online, find cheap hotels or bnb’s and print them out, hand them to her and say it’ll be nice for the kids to visit nanny. Say your DH and yourself will help her find a permanent home and choose ones further away but not too far so she has no excuse to stay overnight.

Good luck.

You are allowed to say “no”.

Take

Control

Of

Your

Life.

I'm so sorry this is happening. It seems out of your control - but it's not.

The past is simply that. Past. You can't change it. There's no point dwelling on it. The blame game is pointless.

B U T you can learn from it. Take ownership - it's YOUR life.

Step out of the toxic set up. The only reason MIL behaves this way is because you allow her to.

You and DH need to be united, plan together and back each other up. Decide that today is the first day of the new 'you (plural)'.

Work out:
What is the problem (I don't think it's MIL wanting to move in... I think it's the unhealthy relationship)
What are the existing issues
What are the potential issues
WHAT DO YOU WANT
how do you get what you want

Once you've thought about and agreed on the above, you BOTH speak with MIL. She needs to see you're both in this together try and have the discussion somewhere neutral and where you don't have to worry about emotions surfacing

Be positive. Try not to be confrontational. Stick to facts. Only bring up the past if it's relevant. BE HONEST. It's OK to be honest and you can do so without it being an argument. Be ready to compromise but do not back down from what you want and need.

If the full 24 hr weekly Wednesday visit is too much - say so. She could come an hour before school pick up, spend time with you both for an hour. Do school pick up, have dinner and then leave just before wind down time. If she uses the dark as an excuse - suggest she leaves when it's light then... Be ready to suggest alternatives, responses etc. She'll do her best to justify her wants - you be ready with solutions that suit both MIL and your family.

Next - moving in. I wouldn't spend too much time on this. I'd tell her it's unrealistic and unfeasible for multiple reasons. Space. Your family dynamic. And then bite the bullet and be honest. We've lived together before and it did not work out. For the sake of the relationship, you cannot and will not live together. And be straight. Tell her it's not what you want

End on a positive if possible. Tell her you really want to change the negative relationship. You want to make it positive, friendly and healthy. And you've realised that this means you and DH need to start behaving like adults and making decisions and learning how to communicate properly with her. That way you 'take the blame' and she won't feel 'accosted'. And then gently suggest her part but not in an accusatory way.

Involve her. Listen to her views. Reach an understanding together. Make it clear that this is a tipping point. Explain that things have changed and you'd like her to be part of that change but if she can't - it's her choice.

It seems a massive task. Believe me - once you make the decision to take control and responsibility, things change very quickly and you wonder why you thought it was so scary.
It's easy to stay fixed in who did what to you,who made you feel 'x' and so on. Accept your part too. Only you can make you feel. It's hard to take control but you can do it.
PS. I worked out that the main problem for me (similar scenario) was that I'd stayed in a child/adult dynamic as I was 16 when DH and I met. Our parents continued to treat us like children and we let them and actively contributed by staying in the child role. Maybe something similar is going on with you.

Good luck. Be strong. YANBU. Don't let this continue. It's not good for anyone - especially your children..

This isn’t going to work for any of you- your husband needs to sort it out as he is in the best place to do it- good luck

You and your DH just need to learn to say no and stick to it. Your MIL can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. And that includes her sleepovers for a start, never mind one month - madness!

You need to take a leaf out of your DH’s siblings’ books and refuse.

It was very liberating when I learnt to stop letting my DM boss us all around. And she’s now stopped doing it!

I hasten to add, it wasn’t an easy process at all, but life is so much less stressful for me as a result.

OP is MIA
You are all singing to the choir

Op only read a few posts. .. usually when someone has sent you this mad there's no way forward. ... some people are reasonable, intelligent.... open to positive out comes. Some are not.

I thought I wasn't on same page with my mil when first met... thought... both helping my DH (he'd Been I'll) How wrong was I.

There's a line. If the world ended in Two weeks who would you want to spend that precious time with?

Life will end soon op. You will die, your DH will die. This woman has already sent you to therapy ( so has mine) .

She could choose not to. She could choose to be kind.

Honestly..the things we do because we think DC needs to know These people!

The main thing our DC needs is one stable supporting loving relationship

I'd bán her from the house and let your husband go visit her for sleepovers. If he wants to live with her, let him move in with her.

Stress is the biggest cause of cancer, heart disease etc... Stop putting your health at risk by pandering to her and your husband. Cut her out and your anxiety will disappear.

You're not obliged to waste time or energy on anybody who causes you harm. Do yourself a favour and only have people in your life who contribute positively. If they don't make you happy, bye...

Omg ! Do not agree even for a week, because a week will most probably turn into a month and a month into forever!
You need to preserve your mental health and let your husband know that there is no way that you will entertain the idea and he needs to make this fact perfectly plain right now before MIL starts to think it’s a possibility. X

@whosorrynow um, what is MIA?

Nope.
Don't let her in.
You'll never get her out otherwise.