Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
Ayemama · 23/05/2019 22:39

Tell her no, every time it’s mentioned just a flat no, if she keeps mentioning it tell her you have plans on one of ‘her days’ and she has to miss the visit that week, get up early and leave your house before she gets there if need be.
If she try’s to demand to come just say no it’s family day with Dc’s And their mother and father and just keep restricting access until she gets the message.
It’s really bloody hard to start saying no when you haven’t for so Long but it gets easier the more you do it and you have to do what’s best for your mental health and that of your children.
No one should get to dictate your family life like she is and only you can put an end to it
I’ve had similar situations with my
MIL and it didn’t improve until I learnt to
Say no rather then making excuses or trying to reason with her.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 22:42

But Nanny is a perfectly normal name. And saying my baby is perfectly normal as well. It just means they love them and care for them and are part of the family. Everybody I know says my baby or our (babies name) doesn't mean they own them.

MonnieMoo · 23/05/2019 22:43

It doesn’t look like anyone else has said it yet so here’s this to think about. If you don’t woman up and put an end to this behaviour she will start to treat your kids as she treats you and DH. Manipulating and controlling them just as she does you, and if all they’ve ever witnessed is you and DH pandering to her demands they won’t be able to stand up to her either. You already said she strops when your kids play out instead of spending time with her, on ‘her day’ (which is such a huge liberty by itself!)

It might be scary but you bite the bullet once and lay everything on the table, No ‘her day’, no staying over and absolutely no to moving herself the fuck into your house because she’s decided that’s what’s happening. Ride out the storm and once it’s passed, then the parameters of your relationships have shifted and they can redefined to suit YOU and your family.

She sounds truly awful OP, you have my sympathies.

ncdforthis · 23/05/2019 22:43

She could be around another 30 years, I really think you need to make sure she doesn't move in now or you could be looking at having her as a housemate for the next 3 decades, by which time your head will probably have exploded. Your DH really needs to be standing up to her - sounds like she's caused you a lot of distress already and it's not like she's in her 90s.

Summerorjustmaybe · 23/05/2019 22:46

Having no mil in your life is truly fucking amazing op!!
Def recommend it!!
Your dh needs to grow a bloody pair and tell her to back the hell off!

Chocmallows · 23/05/2019 22:53

My exMIL had a key and would let herself in on the pretence of "fixing" our garden, which she then needed to be thanked and praised for. My H at the time let her do this as intimidated by her.

It was a control game to show that she could come and go as she pleased. I cracked after years or twisted control and said we didn't need the garden fixing anymore. She went ballistic, tantrumed, caused problems through the family. My H was angry at me. When my exH and I had problems his affair she encouraged him and I'm glad to say I have little to do with either now.

I hope your DH takes your side as you need him to clearly do this and to completely block her visits into your home. From now on meet at hers or out of the house for shorter visits.

Butterymuffin · 23/05/2019 22:58

My DH normally starts texting after a few hours as he's bored and wants me to come back

Don't go back till the end of the day. You've supported your DH over this till now and where has it got you? Time to draw a line and say you won't accept it anymore. I know you said you love him but he's not showing you the love you deserve.

Lolapusht · 23/05/2019 23:09

It’s not in your head! She asked your mum if she could adopt you?? When you were 18?! Given she doesn’t listen to you, has decided that she will come and stay with you, complains if your children don’t see her (ie do as she wants), is going to move nearer to you, the calling herself nanny (in light of everything you’ve said it doesn’t sound like an innocent, loving grandma thing to do. It sounds deliberate) I’d say she has definitely has some issues to deal with. Add into all of that the hoarding and I think she has some potentially serious issues to deal with. Please, please PLEASE don’t give in to her insisting on overnights if you don’t want to! It sounds like you have been almost brought up with her ways so you’re not seeing them clearly. She sounds at best completely over-bearing.

AdaColeman · 23/05/2019 23:18

A very good plan for you Alpha would be for you to take a course of assertiveness training to help you deal with your MIL.

Neither you nor your husband have made that exciting leap from a parent/child relationship to an adult/adult with your MIL. Until you both do, she will continue to dominate your lives and make you miserable.

Invest in some therapy before it’s too late!

Gth1234 · 23/05/2019 23:19

just insist she doesn't

KC225 · 23/05/2019 23:28

Instead of your DH being bored with her overnight stays why don't the two of you use this opportunity to make a change. Suggests, he spends the next few weeks, travelling to the abandoned house and the two of them under his supervision, spend the days sorting out her house for her to live in oe sell. Then she goes back to her place. If she complains bout seeing the children - use end of year exams, projects, open days, shows etc.

Absolutely, do not let her move in. You do not have the room and it will NOT be a 4 weeks. It can take months to sell a house. And people are clamouring to view homes or hoarders! Even if she sells, how quickly will she find another place to buy- not so fast I think.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2019 23:29

getting the train late at night gives her anxiety

Then the solution is she leaves before it gets late on the day she visits.

She wouldn't be sleeping in my house and I'd put my foot down very firmly.

Considering what she's put you through...your H isn't firm enough with her.

NRTFT... is their a cultural issue here?

Singlenotsingle · 23/05/2019 23:30

Can you not go and stay with your DM me every weekend? And leave it to DH to lay it on the line with his dm. Otherwise you're right, once she moves in for a month, she'll never go!

Kiwiinkits · 23/05/2019 23:30

Say No but offer to spend next Wednesday with DH and her cleaning out the shithole hoard house. Thursday morning cleaning.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2019 23:41

If it wasn't for the good schools, you could relocate (far away) once she buys her house. 😂😂😂

Every week for 10 years. No. Just no.
It's madness...pure madness.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/05/2019 23:45

So she's just lost her mother and is seeking more support from her children and their families and because you haven't dealt with her over-reliance on you in the past this is making for a situation in which she's taken you to breaking point just as she's also in a position of vulnerability?

It happens often, we let things push at the line for ages when everything's normal because we don't want to rock the boat but it means there's no capacity for the bumps in life that put more pressure on. However, it means you have a somewhat tricky situation because your DH, if he's a nice man at all, is probably aware his mother is hurting from the loss of her own mother right now and won't be super keen on pulling the rug out from under her. Nevertheless, you should not be putting up with, effectively, being chased out of your own home for a day every week or for longer if she followed through with her plan to stay just because no one's put reasonable boundaries in place before now.

The immediate danger is her coming to stay. It sounds as though your DH realises that would be a terrible idea but may be too soft to stand up to his mother if she pushes it. I think you need to be clearer with him that if she stays you will not and that you would consider it the end of your marriage (and it should be the end of your marriage - given he's aware of how she's treated you in the past, allowing her additional access against your clear ultimatum would be a fairly clear declaration that you aren't that important to him.)

But I can also see that pushing back right now on the access she's had for the last 10 years would seem somewhat callous given her recent loss. So while I agree with lots of the posters saying you should knock that on the head, I think if you can be confident the line isn't going to be broken and you are coping with her weekly visits, it would be a bit nasty to stop them right now. I would give it 6 months and then tell your husband it's been too long, it's never been anything other than awful for you and you need it to change. If she's moving then it might be easy to change things without making a big deal over it, especially if she's closer and doesn't have the excuse of a long journey. Make him go to her place more instead. Aim for shorter visits (just for lunch or just for dinner, say). And stop the overnights (it's never been that convenient, but now the girls are older it's not working for you at all and it will have to stop...).

Yougivemesomething · 23/05/2019 23:48

I don’t understand nor would I tolerate any of this.
Lay the law down NOW.

Cryalot2 · 23/05/2019 23:54

Flowers this is awful
You do not need any stress.
This woman has no right to do this . Your dh must tell her and make sure that she is clear .
She is still young and should join tinder or such .

Grumpelstilskin · 24/05/2019 00:18

Just stop the weekly visits. It's much easier done than you think. Just reduce it to maximum twice monthly and then monthly or even less. This is not normal for someone you don't like or feel close to. If it's your partner's day off, you should have that as private couple time alone. Just message her and tell her you are not available next Wednesday and leave it at that.

PickAChew · 24/05/2019 00:21

All in your head?

DH problem klaxon.

SavingSpaces2019 · 24/05/2019 00:33

MIL is living in her mothers property and has another small property. She needs to sell gran's house and the other property is unfit for human habitation because of her hoarding and mess
You posted this exact same problem not that long ago - and you haven't taken any of the advice on board or done anything about it.
Even now you're not actually prepared to do anything about it but moan.
why bother even posting?

Blondebakingmumma · 24/05/2019 01:08

For starters sell the couch she sleeps on and buy a couple of smaller couches. She is controlling and manipulating. You need to end this for the sake of your child. Meet her out during her visits. Help her clean out her flat so she can move back in

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 24/05/2019 01:10

Fuck no. No no no no.

I'd be cutting out the sleep overs too. That's too much even if you all got along.

You don't owe it to anyone to jeopardise your MH. Tell DH that it's a hard no. Absolutely not, not in a million years under any circumstances. He needs to communicate that to her ASAP.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 24/05/2019 06:59

She could be around another 30 years

you need to set your stall out firmly here.

You have had a tonne of good advice - you should take it.

TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 07:06

I almost think you need some kind of professional intervention or support.

She clearly had MH issues or some sort of disorder, and there is evidence in your record that you had PND, caused it seriously exacerbated by her.

And your Dd has anxiety. Does MIL do anything that is the cause or exacerbation of that?

I would go to your GP and ask if there is any firm of mediation or family therapy that you can be referred to, so that MIL can get told independently that her behaviour is destructive and needs to be diverted.

But it is probably a fantasy that such a service exists.

It Is all so disordered. The waste of money in leaving a property uninhabitable etc.

Has her own MH support stoped now?

How would it be if your DH said he was using the next 3 days off to clear the small property and she needed to help him?

“No it isn’t possible to have you live with us as we haven’t got a spare room. And it isn’t necessary, we’ll get the flat cleared....No, that has to be our decision. No, it doesn’t work for us...No, this is not something we will re-consider so that needs to be the end of the conversation “

And then “All day doesn’t work for us as a visit. We’d like to see you from 5pm til 8 for dinner but these days we have too much to do and we need time to ourselves. Se you st 5pm”.