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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 22:02

She knows full well that you don't enjoy having her there but she doesn't care, she feels it is her right to impose herself on you irrespective of how you feel about it

Absolutepowercorrupts · 23/05/2019 22:03

Oh, hello it's you again. No comment

Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 22:05

She does literally believe that she owns you and that you exist to serve her needs

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 22:05

I let the "Nanny" thing go once I found out it was commonly used elsewhere.
I do think she has some MH problems and when she was a carer for gran she had a MH support worker. She's hoarded since we moved out. I dont know if it is a MH thing or a laziness thing? The way she sees it she doesnt have anyone to clean up for IYSWIM?

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 23/05/2019 22:11

You both need to grow a spine and tell her you have plans next time she wants to visit, and don't tell her what they are. And do this every time you don't want her to come. Seriously, how difficult is it to stand up to her now and again? She is 58 not 88.

Although, she does sound like she has mental health issues. Don't let her guilt trip you, ignore the drama and keep her at arm's length.

longtimelurkerhelen · 23/05/2019 22:11

Best thing to do if your dh won't stand up to her is send him to sleep on her sofa 1 night a week, then you won't even have to see her.

ConfessionalProfessional · 23/05/2019 22:12

There’s so much going on here. You were so young when you had DC but now you are much older and need to be adults but you are all stuck.

The key is you DH. You have done 10years of ‘her day’ now stop and make every day ‘your family day’.

Iwrotethissongfor · 23/05/2019 22:16

Wait! Where is she going to buy this newproperty? Closer than the current 45 mins away?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 22:17

What Nanny thing.

Goldmandra · 23/05/2019 22:20

She stays at your house for two full days a week?

That is way beyond reasonable, especially when she is dominating your main living space.

You should not need to vacate your own home two days a week for someone else.

The overnight visits need to stop. Your DH needs to choose you or move back in with his mother. That means taking the drama on the chin and sticking to his guns.

Arrange for you to visit her once a month and her to visit for a day once a month. That gives you two free weekends. Once that's established as the norm, you can vary it for special occasions but always default back to the new pattern.

Make it clear that, if he allows her to stay overnight in the next month or entertains the idea of her moving in, it will be the end of your relationship.

You may love him more than you hate his mother but he needs to love you more than he wants to avoid the drama. It doesn't sound like he does right now.

It sounds like she needs to be at home for that extra two days a week, sorting out the house she's filled up so she can move back into it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/05/2019 22:20

No no and another big fat no!

I’d not even bother with the dc relationship with her and simply tell her to fuck off with her weekly visits too

TriciaH87 · 23/05/2019 22:21

Point out to her that one inconvenience a week is enough you do not want her in their dictating she's tired so you need to leave YOUR living room every night or telling you not to come in because she's sleeping etc. Tell him if she moves in they both move out within 24 hours or your changing the locks when they are out.

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 22:24

She plans on moving to our area near my DC school because she knows how good the school is and how we wouldn't want to be near any other one in this area.
She knows I wouldn't let my DC stay with her overnight because of the hoarding and state of the small property. If she moves I think she will push for overnight contact with my kids.

OP posts:
Troels · 23/05/2019 22:24

Oh hell no.
She's not much older than me and I wouldn't want my mother living with me and we get on fine.
Probably won't happen doesn't cut it. Will not happen and he needs to make this clear, the overnights need to stop too, if she's so worried about the train so late, then she needs to leave earlier. Doesn't she drive? My oldest lives over and hour away and we visit for the day. No way I'd stay over unless they were hours away or abroad.

stiffstink · 23/05/2019 22:24

You've not exactly said it OP but does she come every single fucking Saturday morning until Saturday night/Sunday lunchtime?

Is she leaving you with any time at all for just the 4 of you or is she hogging your DH's only day off every week?

Maybe its time to really show your DH how much of a drag that is and arrange to spend all of Saturday elsewhere for the foreseeable future. Tell him that's a rehearsal for what will happen if she moves in because you'll leave him and he can spend every weekend with her, every other one with her and the kids.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2019 22:24

@Absolutepowercorrupts

Is this a previously banned poster or someone who often does dramatic posts?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 22:29

So what is the Nanny thing. How much of all this is your MIL and how much is you?

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 22:29

You've not exactly said it OP but does she come every single fucking Saturday morning until Saturday night/Sunday lunchtime?
She comes Wednesday mornings, stays all day and then either goes home late Wednesday night or Thursday lunch time.

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 23/05/2019 22:30

Now is the time for this to stop
On her next visit, both sit down and tell her no. If she says she’ll sleep on the sofa, both tell her she hasn’t been invited to.
You have already been thru the mill with this woman and since her son can see she being manipulative you both need to be firm with her.
Just say what you want to make the point but, have completely neutral faces and don’t be drawn into anything else.
Good luck

TriciaH87 · 23/05/2019 22:33

You need to tell her firmly it is not her day. No day is her day. She sees dc when you say she can. If you make plans and she says she's coming your husband tells her NO we are having this day to ourselves. If she visits and complains dc is playing with friends tell her your child your rules. If she has anxiety travelling back when it's late drop her at the station at 4pm. Tell her she can visit your other dcone weekend a month or every other weekend for a couple hours like any normal nan. She has dictated your life for too long. If she turns up suitcase in tow ddo not let her across your doorway. Tell hubby if her luggage comes in his goes out to the binman with it.

Ticklingcheese · 23/05/2019 22:35

Oh my, I get claustrophobic just reading your posts.

Please, please listen to all pps telling you this is not on.

Not moving in
Not staying a week, a month and
Not overnight

You a being played by a manipulative mil and apparently a weak dh afraid of conflict. This needs to stop. Dh can take your dcs to visit mil. Tell your dh - and mean it- that it is you or her. I know it is hard, but it is your and dcs future and mh.

TapasForTwo · 23/05/2019 22:35

Can you arrange to be out on Wednesday mornings?

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 22:36

All my grandmothers are referred to "nannas". Thats what she wanted to be known as until my DD was born and heard my DH refer to me as "Mammy". She then said I will be "Nanny" then as its my baby too Hmm.
I let it slide because Id had a traumatic birth, didnt really want visitors and just wanted to sleep.
When I was living in her home (while young, immature and pregnant) she would refer to my DC as her baby and even asked my DM to adopt me.
So I dunno, maybe it was all in my head? Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing? But with everything else Ive put up with, that is a minor thing.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/05/2019 22:37

You need to say no. The drama would be worth it.

ConfessionalProfessional · 23/05/2019 22:37

Don’t tell her face to face. Get your DH to call her and say that this Wednesday isn’t convenient because you are all doing things. She will demand to know what things. Your DH just keeps saying ‘our things, our family things’ like a broken record.