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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 07:17

And this;
“ If you don’t woman up and put an end to this behaviour she will start to treat your kids as she treats you and DH. Manipulating and controlling them just as she does you, and if all they’ve ever witnessed is you and DH pandering to her demands they won’t be able to stand up to her either. “

It is serious, OP.

Make sure that your Dd does spend as much time as she can playing out with her friends. And actually on his day off from work your DH should be able to sorbs time with his Dd.

This woman, or rather you allowing this woman to wind her tendrils round your whole family is doing serious damage.

TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 07:29

Another thought:

Start challenging her.

If she whinges and strops about Dd playing out say firmly “she has a right to play with her friends, and as her parent I am happy for her to do that “

If she gets very stroppy “you can’t behave like this to us on our home, if you are not happy it’s best you leave”.

piefacedClique · 24/05/2019 07:31

As a few people have said I think I would take a proactive approach..... on her day arrange to meet her at the small house and say you can spend the day together sorting through all the stuff.... once the junk is gone do the same but with painting it and getting it ready for her to move in to.... that way she is still having contact but it’s breaking the cycle. Good luck x

0ccamsRazor · 24/05/2019 07:39

Sometimes a simple fuck off is what is needed. Your dh can choose if that applies to him or his mother.

NabooThatsWho · 24/05/2019 07:42

Why don’t you go no-contact?
She’s controlling and manipulative and is not your responsibility.

Weekly visits with someone like that? No wonder you have anxiety.

Do you, or the rest of your family get ANYTHING out of spending time with her? Any slight moments of joy or pleasure? No? Then what is the point?

‘Her day’, indeed. She can stick her day up her ass.

You don’t have to put up with shitty behaviour just because you or your partner is related to someone. Time to move on.

Parker231 · 24/05/2019 07:53

You have a DH problem as much as a MIL problem. He needs to stop her visits as she is damaging you. Do you want your DC’s growing up and being influenced by her?

Sarahjconnor · 24/05/2019 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NauseousMum · 24/05/2019 09:07

You dh is semi on board but still willing to throw you and your dc under a bus so that he isn't the bad guy.

The overnight visits stop now and you both set boundries to lessen her behaviour. Normally the partner or dh in this situation is in the FOG and clueless but yours is clued up, and his other family feel the same about her.

NauseousMum · 24/05/2019 09:09

And I'd stop Wednesday visits. You go out before she gets to you if that's what's needed to make your point. You see each other of mutual agreed terms and only if she behaves.

TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 09:28

You have put yourself through much mental and emotional gymnastics justifying all this on the grounds of your Dd having a relationship with her GM.

Does your Dd really enjoy the relationship? Look forward to her visits? Have relaxed happy times with her?

user1480880826 · 24/05/2019 09:38

Surely your husband wouldn’t let this happen?! He needs to decide where his loyalties lie.

kateandme · 24/05/2019 10:40

plus if she is this way towards you she will be poisoning the dcs agasint you at some point

MumW · 24/05/2019 11:11

You have a DH problem as much as a MIL problem. He needs to stop her visits as she is damaging you. Do you want your DC’s growing up and being influenced by her?
^This

Your DH doesn't and your DC don't/will not have a healthy relationship with MIL.
By enabling your MIL, your DH doesn't have a healthy/respectful attitude towards you, your marriage or your family unit.

Your DH needs to sort his DM out by putting a stop to her behaviour otherwise you are going to have to sort them both out.

At a minimin you need to set and rigorously enforce boundaries. If necessary, start leaving the house before she arrives preferably taking your DC with you every other week or 3 weeks in 4 if you can cope. Do NOT make everything easy for DH by leaving meals to be heated up or the DCs things neatly laid out.

I know none of this is easy but it's only going to get harder. If she moves in by stealth then you've totally lost - not just the battle but the whole war.

Get the support of your parenting group. Can you bear to take the DC and spend the nights that DH won't throw her out she 'insists' on staying over at your Mum's? You are going to have to ale some pretty clear statements to both MIL and DH.

Flowers
MumW · 24/05/2019 11:37

How the hell does predictive text get 'ale' from 'make'? Confused

PepsiLola · 24/05/2019 11:56

You need to test the waters, call her and tell her she can't come up on Wednesday as you are poorly and not up to hosting.

Make sure she knows that your DP agrees and if she comes you will not answer the door so it will be a wasted journey for her.

See how she reacts, if she kicks off turn round and say this isn't working anymore and you do not wish for her to visit. Then block

PepsiLola · 24/05/2019 11:56

Remember it's DP mum. He needs to step up

ANewDawn10 · 24/05/2019 12:05

Op what's the worst that could happen if you put her in her place yourself. Tell her that shes no longer welcome to this ridiculous weekly visits.
Really what's the worst that could happen? She could hate young, but then so what you would be rid off her.
Your dh could be very upset with you, but then he allowed your mental health to be affected so his feelings shouldnt be your priority.
And your DC dont have that close a relationship with her, so what? No child needs a gp that badly.

user1498572889 · 24/05/2019 12:13

You need to be truthful. Tell her she cannot move in because you don’t want her to. Tell her if she comes with her bags you will put them out for the dustman. If she asks why tell her it’s because she is a nasty manipulative cunt. 😁

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2019 12:16

Now so much time has passed my DH doesn't know how to stop the weekly visits without a load of drama.

I'd go for the load of drama option, is there really a reason why you wouldn't? Because you're scared of her?

Tell your DH you can't stand her, she's made your life a misery and you are on the brink of telling her she can't see them any more. The weekly visits need to stop and you don't want to see her more than once a month. If he can't back you up, your marraige won't last.

When she kicks off howling about how much you hate her just say yes, I pretty much do, you're absolute poison to me and I am really concerned about your effect on my kids, so if I were you I would shut it before I decide that we are going to have to move a long way away from you.

Seriously - what do you have to lose?

Drum2018 · 24/05/2019 12:25

If she moves I think she will push for overnight contact with my kids

To which you will say no. She has no right over your children. Stop creating drama where it isn't warranted.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 24/05/2019 12:38

I'd be using her for babysitting services every Wednesday night.

Why is your husband happy to waste his day off on his mum. Don't you want to do things as a family without her?

Mumofone1593 · 24/05/2019 12:44

I can't believe she stays from 10am to 9pm once a week after she gave you PND? I know you think your DH is on your side as he won't let her stay for a month but she already stays 2/7 days a week which is unfair and ridiculous. She needs to get a life of her own? Tell her no more sleepovers, if she can't do late trains then get a early one. She is horrendous.

Limerickpoem · 24/05/2019 12:48

There’s something missing here. I wonder what MIL might say if she was asked what was going on from her perspective.

Has there been evidence that you can’t/aren’t coping?

Whosorrynow · 24/05/2019 12:54

OP is MIA

thecatsthecats · 24/05/2019 13:00

This post is not intended to disrespect grandparents.

But they are fundamentally a luxury and not an essential. Kids need positive, loving role models in their lives. Extra bonus points for variety of ages, backgrounds, lifestyles.

They don't need a relationship with someone who is toxic to their mother, who causes her stress, and who sees children as a possession.

This is not the same as manipulating someone's behaviour by threats of cutting off access to grandkids. It is simply having clear boundaries as to what you will allow in the presence of YOURSELF as well as your kids.

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