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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL insisting she moves in!

211 replies

AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 20:59

Bit of background I do not get on with my MIL. She's lucky to currently have the weekly visit she insists on having now. She heavily contributed to my PND (8 years ago) and anxiety (now). I have had to go to talking therapies to get my head straight after all the damage she has done in the past. Luckily after the birth of my second DC my DH started to see just how manipulative she could be and we kept her at arms length. I have been civil so my children could have a relationship with their Nanna (or nanny as she calls herself).
My problem now is that after her mother died last year she would like to move in with us "for a month or so" until she buys a place for herself. This has made me physically sick and the stress is killing me. I've told my DH that I would rather have him move out than her move in with us. He keeps saying it probably won't happen but I think shes going to come one week and just not leave.

AIBU to not want MIL to live with us? She's 58. Shes lived alone before Sad

OP posts:
Samind · 23/05/2019 21:43

Sounds like an absolute nightmare. Could you start by setting times as in- it's more convenient for you to be coming/leaving at xyz time.

Text/phone in advance that you won't be in on her day. Or plan to go see friends with your DC.

Offer to go and see her if that's a possibility instead of her coming to you. She holds the power whilst she's in your home as she overstays welcome/takes up valuable space when you don't wish for her to be there in your home. if you visit her then you are free to leave when YOU want.

Honestly OP, I'd feel like a hostage in my home if I were you.

Samind · 23/05/2019 21:44

Or meet in a neutral location. Park/coffee shop etc

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 21:44

If my Mil wanted to move in for a month I would grit my teeth and bare it but it would be stressful. My Mil is at heart a nice person yours sounds like a bloody nightmare. No way. DH needs to be clear this isn't an option and he needs to make this clear to Mil too. He can support her by going over to visit but not have her move in.

Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 21:46

Put her on the naughty step, cut her visits down to once a month until she stops talking about this nonsense

Femodene · 23/05/2019 21:48

Get your husband to sort this shit out, any drama will be entirely hers, he can reply in a calm, bored tone ‘ah well.’ Drama exists only when it has an audience, don’t provide her with one, it’s absolutely mind blowing that you both have let her trample into your lives and pander to her for over a decade and inflict her on your kids. She will weep, rage, create a ‘health emergency’, guilt trip, Who fucking cares, don’t be her audience.

Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 21:48

Seriously, you've got to take control of the situation or she will destroy you piece by piece

Femodene · 23/05/2019 21:51

Your husband is failing you, his kids and his marriage. How DARE he dismiss your PND, ‘it’s all in your head’, aye bro, like breast cancer is ‘all in the breast’ or a broken arm is ‘all in the arm’. Is he simple? Time for him to locate his balls and behave like a husband and father, no more pandering to his shitty mother.

Mrsmadevans · 23/05/2019 21:52

Not at all unreasonable of you, tell her to sling her hook

magicBrenda · 23/05/2019 21:53

Alpha you are allowed to say no yourself.

I was in the position a few years back and I actually packed a bag and was ready to leave. It really was me or her. He chose me.

Nobody is worth having your mental health damaged.

Lots of people say you have a ‘DH problem’ when in fact they are so damaged by their mothers behaviour they are too scared to accept the truth or act on it.

I bit the bullet and went no contact and yes all hell broke lose but by god was it worth it.

You just wait till your kids get a little older and she starts on them. Don’t leave it to that point.

My youngest two see her very rarely and my eldest can’t stand her.

Take control back of your own home

CodenameVillanelle · 23/05/2019 21:54

Your DH is basically still a child in his dynamic with her despite having moved out 10 years ago.
She doesn't get to have 'her' day (or 2 days!) of your lives every week. Your D.C. must be 10 now - don't they have clubs, friends, parties? This is absurd.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 23/05/2019 21:55

As per usual it's more a DH problem than a MIL problem. He's being disgustingly unsupportive and you sound completely defeated by this vile old bat.

You have every right to say no to weekly visits - I literally don't know ANYONE who would put up with that, including the people whose children have lovely relationships with their grandchildren. And you need to make it very very clear that she is not welcome to come and stay. Who fucking cares if there's drama?! She can't do anything to you, you're an adult!

Start saying no to her. Seriously.

Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 21:55

She is behaving as if she is a kind of super adult who has authority over you and your husband, as if you are her subordinates

Come on step up, take your position as an adult 😊

Greyponcho · 23/05/2019 21:55

Maybe suggest that instead of spending two days at yours next week, so pulls her finger out and starts making her own property habitable again. Astounded that she thinks it’s okay to impose herself on you because she won’t sort out a property she could use instead

billy1966 · 23/05/2019 21:55

Sorry OP, but that sounds horrendous.
This horrible woman demands to stay in your house every week.
Your husband said it was all in your head when you had PND. No wonder you had PND.
Your daughter has anxiety issues.
I would imagine for your daughter seeing her mother so stressed on a regular basis must be hard.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter and stand up for yourself.
Children do not need grandparents that abuse their mother. She adds nothing to their lives but takes your peace in your home.
Please try and find the strength to put a stop to her visits and any talk of her moving in.

HermioneMakepeace · 23/05/2019 21:57

She’s only 58? And she owns two houses? Get fucked, there’s no need to stay with you. She can well afford an AirBNB.

Wetdogloveshubert · 23/05/2019 21:57

Good grief. I have read each of your posts and said

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

to each of them. Your DH needs to grow a pair and stop the weekly visits. He needs to take the pain of upsetting her now so you and your family, of which he is a part! can be a family aside from her. This behaviour is not normal, not helping anyone, and exacerbating your mental health. Please make him read this thread to see how important this is for you and your children.

IreneWinters · 23/05/2019 21:58

OP, it’s time you redecorated your living room. “Sorry MIL, we can’t have guests at the moment, there’s nowhere to sit, the sofa is covered with dust sheets and the house smells of paint. Wouldn’t want you to get a headache. DH can meet you at a cafe for an hour for a coffee instead.” Should be able to drag that excuse out for at least a month. Then “sorry MIL, the DC have spilled milk all over the sofa, it smells terrible, you couldn’t possibly sleep on it until we have chance to get it professionally cleaned.” Another month there. Change the locks and if she turns up unannounced, tell the kids you’re playing hide and seek, and nanny mustn’t see you. Break the habit. Calling her a guest might help her to see that it’s your home, not hers. That gives you a good couple of months to work on DH and tell him to man the fuck up and stand up to his mother.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2019 21:59

Now so much time has passed my DH doesn't know how to stop the weekly visits without a load of drama.

Is he for real? Is he a man or a fucking mouse? Piece of piss, he does this, not you. Dm, we are going put this weekend and next. We’ll see you in 3 weeks. No, I’m afraid it’s an invitation for just us, not you. We want to do something for just us and the dc. Leave at the crack of dawn (having lied about where you’re going) If she turns up anyway, you’ll already be out. This is horribly restrictive for you and your children. Aren’t they bored of having to spend time with her every single weekend? Aren’t you?! Want me to come round and tell her?

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 21:59

My oldest dc has a regular club on the weekly visit day. MIL wasnt happy about that at first but I told her DC was doing it and she would see them after. She regularly huffs when my oldest plays out with her mates instead of spending "quality time with nanny".
The only reason she insisted on "nanny" was because we are from the north east and I was "mammy" when the DC were really young.

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 23/05/2019 22:00

@User, I think your comments are unnecessarily harsh.
It sounds like you are going through an actual living hell but those closest to you, ie your husband, are claiming it's all in your head. He ready shoukd be on your side. You haven't suddenly decided that you want to stop all contact with his lovely, kind, helpful mum, you're just asking him to back you up against the vile mental abuse from his toxic bag of a mother.
If you haven't already made it very clear, please explain calmly and concisely that his mother will never move in to your home and that she's not even welcome when she comes weekly. Give him a deadline by which to let her know and if be doesn't then you will make it abundantly clear to her. Then there will be no more talk of it at all. It is not up for discussion. It's a non-event. Your husband has to know how serious this is and back you up. Best of luck! X

Original poster
AlphaOn · 23/05/2019 22:01

I don't stay in the whole day. I go to my grans or my best mates house. My DH normally starts texting after a few hours as he's bored and wants me to come back.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 23/05/2019 22:01

Don't even engage with her on these things,her opinion is irrelevant, just change the subject and ignore what she says pull out your phone at start looking at that, let your eyes glaze over etc

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/05/2019 22:01

If “her” day is a day when your dh is off, how about he tells her thatks the day he’ll help her clear out her midden property?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 22:02

Whats wrong with Nanny? If she is a hoarder does she have MH issues as well

SpecterLitt · 23/05/2019 22:02

Definitely one for your husband to handle as anything you say she is going to try and belittle you (I assume) and not take a word in to consideration.

Tell you husband to inform her that staying over a night on the sofa is completely different to having someone staying with them for a month consistently. It is best advised that she seeks accommodation with another family member as things are cramped with you all as it is. Your husband needs to be firm with her and make sure he gets her to understand that accommodating her for a month is just not an option at all.

I hope it does work out for you OP, but unfortunately the outcome really relies on how your husband handles the situation. It would be different if you all had a good relationship with her but that's not the case and it is absolutely unreasonable for him to expect you to live with someone who makes you so anxious for that long.

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