Parents of one or two children-how did you know you were "done" and why ?

[Motheroffeminists]

Inspired by another thread.

I'm wondering why those who have one or two children decided to stop at that number, and if they would have liked more? (if it was a conscious decision and not due to medical reasons).

I always wanted two children, one of each, as most children probably do as they are growing up and thinking about when they will have children of their own.

I had two children during my marriage and then we decided to try for number three. My husband decided around the same time to try his luck with a much younger model and buggered off so I was very glad I didn't conceive then.

Since then I've had another child and am so glad I did. I felt I wasn't "done" with having children when I had two. It was quite a difficult emotion to have as I was just into my later 30s and was in a long distance relationship (that didn't last.) But it was such a pull to have another child. Like the yearning to have my first. I found out I was pregnant once I'd finished that relationship so not ideal but I have no regrets about having my ds.

Once my ds turned 2 and I started dating I was asked if I would have any more children. I was 40 then so time was an issue. My conclusion was that I would carefully consider it if a new partner hadn't children of his own and really wanted a child (once we'd been together for about 18 months or so at least). I'm now 42 and single and wouldn't contemplate another even if in a stable relationship. I am "done." I'm content. This is my family. Nothing is missing.

Did you feel complete after one or two? It's different for everyone and I'm on no way suggesting that those with smaller families aren't complete or are missing out. Number of children is a very personal thing and I'm interested to know how people reach their decision to stop having children.

Hope that makes sense, I'm prone to rambling when I'm full of painkillers, sorry

I have two, both in primary but 18 months between them. Life is much easier now but when they were small it was hell as i was on my own a lot. I decided then no way i would have another. I was in my late 20s early 30s when i had them.
Then we moved house, kids got older and i changed my mind. Tried for 18months, fell pg only to have a mc after 12 week scan. Fell pg again 6 months later, same thing happend, but later on in the pgnancy. I am now late 30s and gutted i didnt try sooner, but on the other hand, i didnt want anymore then either 🤷🏻‍♀️... i just feel its never going to happen now, and if i fall pg again, i will miscarry. I just want to forget the whole thing and move on, but can’t shake that feeling of wanting another...

I have one DS who is 1, he's a handful but I would love to have two more. DH says 'absofuckinglutely not!'. We'll see!

I have 2 DC. I hated pregnancy, second time round I felt awful pretty much from start to end, and my patience is already stretched to its limit with two, so DH had the snip!

I love cooing over and cuddling babies, but I’ve absolutely zero desire to have another one myself.

I have one and have been single since his pregnancy. I would love another one but can't bear the thought of the same thing happening again . Going through a pregnancy and raising 2 kids alone . Not that there is anything wrong with doing it but I can't consciously put myself through it . I will always grieve not being able to have a second child but I think it's a better option

Practicalities all the way for us. I struggled to get pregnant the second time, had a miscarriage, there was a lot of heartache. I had difficult pregnancies both times with health problems that restricted day to day life. I had a difficult delivery that left me quite damaged with dd2. The medics weren’t keen for me to have any more. We were exhausted as dd2 didn’t sleep. We just didn’t have the emotional reserves to cope with the anxiety around ttc, the practical limitations of a pregnancy and then further sleep deprivation. Then there were practical things like car and house size. We talked it over and over, then DH took the plunge, we decided we were done and he went for the snip. Practically I knew it was the right choice. Several years later I know for sure. I always loved the idea of 4 but 2 keep me busy enough and I think now I would have missed out on them a bit if I had been trying to fit another one in. I feel like I’ve missed out on my first born a bit anyway as DD2 has been such a demanding and full on child! Having said that, maybe if we had had another she would have had to fit in a bit better! If I had swanned through pregnancy and had easy deliveries and babies that slept I definitely would have gone for another one I think.

I’ve got 2 DC and I always thought I’d have at least 3 however I’ve completely changed my mind now and I’m definitely done for the following reasons
Cost - I want the children I have to do all the lessons and clubs they want to do (within reason) so whilst we could afford another child we’d have to cut these back.
Environmental reasons - after having my DC I felt and still do feel guilty for bringing them into a world that is going to shit. I think their lives are going to be much harder and adding another baby to the mix is adding more stress to the planet.
And finally how hard parenting is, trying to give both DC the attention they need and overcome different hurdles has taken its toll on me! Babies are easy compared to seeing them through issues at school/with friends etc.

We always said 2 or 3 and settled at 2.

I've pretty much written off two years of my life for the pregnancy and recovery of my two DCs. I emerged from the first one with a strong desire for a sibling and wanted a close gap (ended up with just over 2 years). By the time I'd done a repeat, there was no way I could endure another 2 year gap. There was a window of broodiness, but I just couldn't put my body through it. By thr time I was feeling more resiliant, DS2 was 3 and life was moving on from the baby stage and getting easier, I was in the second half of my 30s and DH 10 years older and less energetic than he once was.

The two year gap is great, the DCs are close and have similar interests. Another sibling in the mix would complicate life and compromise what I do with my DCs.

I occasionally get fleeting pangs of broodiness and rapidly quench them by muttering "toddlers, toddlers, they mutate into toddlers"

I have 1 DD. I have my moments of thinking I'd be okay if she was our only one but I don't feel done. I'd like one more - I liked being pregnant and I'd like to experience that again. My DH always said he wanted "as many as we can afford" but has since changed his mind when our DD was born! We've agreed 2, if the fates allow.

I have stopped at 2 (one of each) because they are hard work!!
I love them to bits and I enjoy having a boy and a girl but I do not long for any more. We are out of the baby stages now and I don't want to have to do all that again. I like my kids being older.
I also didn't realise how difficult I would find them going to school. My son has a lot of problems at school and I would hate to have to go through it with another of my kids

I'm one of two children, both my parents had just one sibling each too, most of my school friends had one sibling, it has always seemed normal to me to want two.

I admit being previously prejudiced against only children. But I've experienced more spoilt or entitled behaviour (sometimes it's not mean, it's passive) in singletons than in multiples.

Tory parents, they're often more "bang out two kids and get back to work", in my experience.

I know that my personal circumstances mean it would have been ideal I hadn't procreated but I'm glad I did despite my struggles. My mistake (OK, she's not a mistake, I love her, please see where I'm going here) was thinking it was important to have a sibling and finding someone to make her a sibling with.

I've also suffered repeated miscarriages.

And then was sterilised.

I guess you know you're done when you're sterilised

I've maintained my belief throughout my life that if my health had been great, I'd have loved to have had more. But I didn't used to think about the environmental impact of having more babies.

I see from this that the reasons are overwhelmingly personal and financial and few people are motivated by the desire to save the planet

Perhaps that’s because the question is specifically aimed at people with children, whereas those who ARE motivated not to add to the overpopulation problem don’t have any children?

I just felt it was enough for me, that I would be spreading myself too thin if I had anymore. I honestly never have gotten broady again since I had my second when I was 25, I'm 40 now

Pre children I would of liked 3. After 2 ds I’m happy. Ds 2 however was born with heart problems and now has a pacemaker . He’s also austic. I don’t think I could cope with another child that may have additional needs

We have 2, just before the second was born DH and I had a conversation about having a 3rd, he was totally against it, I would've been happy either way. He got a vasectomy 3 weeks after her birth. He was asked at the appointment what if one of our current DC died or if he and I split, his answer was he would never replace his children with others, and he'd done his part in replacing himself in the universe.

I have to say now they are older 6&8 I am grateful he made the decision, we are happy as a 4, cars/holidays and all that jazz are simple and going through the baby/toddler stage again would probably finish me off.

I occasionally get a pang of wanting when I spy a newborn but it passes so very quickly, and I give me head a wobble and remember all the horrible hard times i had when my DC were small.

It was a feeling I had on the operating table as they were stitching me back together after DD2s EMCS. I just had this feeling my family was complete and that I didn't want any more babies. Hours before we had been talking about what would we do if it was another girl, might we want to try for a third. I was lucky as my DH also felt the 2 were enough and he didn't want to try for a third, he told me what he thought before I had told him my feelings.

I wouldn’t say I ‘kniw’ I’m done at one child, but I haven’t felt the slightest desire for another baby since DD (3.5) was born. I see babies and think ‘oh, how sweet’, but I never feel jealous or wish the baby was mine. DD is such a brilliant little person now and it’s fascinating watching her grow and develop; the thought of going back to the tiny baby days makes me feel exhausted.

If we have a second baby at this point it would be out of guilt at not giving DD a sibling, which I strongly feel is not a good enough reason on its own to bring a new life into the world. I know everyone says ‘just have another, you won’t regret it’, but I’ve read enough on here to know that people do regret having children. I’d rather not take the risk.

@itsjeremycorbynsfault Snap! I have a 3 and a 4 year old as well, 14 months gap and I'm definitely done!

Also, we had health scares with both of them after birth and I cannot put myself or my DH through that again. (Thankfully both are perfectly healthy now)

I suffered a lot with my mental health after my first was born. It wasn’t PND but horrific health anxiety. But at the same time I wanted another one, pretty much as soon as I gave birth I wanted to do it all over again. Number 2 was born four years later and as soon as she was out I said “I never want to do that again.” It was a relatively “easy” labour and even though I needed forceps I was phased by that in slightest. I just knew I never wanted to be pregnant or give birth again.

I felt complete after 1, then went on to have another. I love them both, but wish I'd not had either - I'm not a natural (or good) parent, and think our family was probably complete when it was just the 2 of us.

My parents only had me because they could only afford one child, and that only just.

Always wanted more than one (even though now when just one is at home it is sooo much easier to accomplish anything!)

When DD1 was two I got that overpowering urge. DH wanted to wait for more of an age gap and I actually felt like my world was falling down, hormones be crazy!

We got just what we had hoped for, another DD, sister for our DD1 at almost exactly 3 years difference in age.

Part of me always presumed we would have another about the same age gap, which would be TTC coming up in a few months.

However I'm 99% sure we're done. I do think fondly on the idea of another child, as I imagine them to just be the same as the two we have, whereas who knows what would really happen?

We have left the newborn fog, DD1 is coming up to 5 and DD2 will be 2 this month. We are started to take small weekend breaks, sleep a decent amount, do fun activities, and actually have quiet time. Life is good, I don't have the urge to turn that all on its head by having a third.

That being said I do get very uncharacteristically ragey and jealous when someone else announces a pregnancy or has a new baby! Not that I show it of course!! Just for that fleeting moment...

Weight gain
Sagging boobs
Thinning hair

All in all he's no longer attractive enough to procreate with

()

I have one, and have loved so much being a mother and getting to know her and me through her - why wouldn't I want to do that again? My other motivation is simple fear. I love her so much, the idea of anything happening to take her away from me - I feel like I'd just lie down and die. So frankly I'd like two, so there would be something left in the world to tie me to life if the worst thing in the world happened. #morbidmuch

DP not interested, he thinks the first time nearly broke us and doesn't want another. Fundamentally I think he means my attention and priority would shift even further from him as it has very much with DD.

It's a real quandary for me. I want DD to have a good life with two parents; but the idea of not having all this again is very very hard. It's not a 'take it or leave it's thing, it's a 'will regret this on my deathbed' thing.

I had one and left an abusive relationship when pregnant. Nightmare contact arrangements and continuous abuse etc, and I was completely focused on being a parent to DS. I didn’t date until he was 5 and then never felt the need or urge to have more. Not that I was against my kids having different dads, I was just happy not to be in a long term relationship. I liked it being us two, felt complete.

I honestly thought that I would want 2 DC.
But my pregnancy was horrendous.
Labour was really long and ending in an EMCS.
I love my DD more than life but I got my little girl and I knew I didn't want to ever be pregnant again.
I'm just not that maternal.
ExH and I did go through the whole adoption process and were allocated a little boy and going to panel.
But then I found out he was cheating and there was no way I could take on a high needs child on my own.
So I stuck with my DD. Who was NOT easy as she got older but she's a gem now. Phew.
I've never regretted only have 1 DC.
After being cheated on and left as a single parent with no support from ExH at all, I'm bloody glad I did stop at one!