Parents of one or two children-how did you know you were "done" and why ?

[Motheroffeminists]

Inspired by another thread.

I'm wondering why those who have one or two children decided to stop at that number, and if they would have liked more? (if it was a conscious decision and not due to medical reasons).

I always wanted two children, one of each, as most children probably do as they are growing up and thinking about when they will have children of their own.

I had two children during my marriage and then we decided to try for number three. My husband decided around the same time to try his luck with a much younger model and buggered off so I was very glad I didn't conceive then.

Since then I've had another child and am so glad I did. I felt I wasn't "done" with having children when I had two. It was quite a difficult emotion to have as I was just into my later 30s and was in a long distance relationship (that didn't last.) But it was such a pull to have another child. Like the yearning to have my first. I found out I was pregnant once I'd finished that relationship so not ideal but I have no regrets about having my ds.

Once my ds turned 2 and I started dating I was asked if I would have any more children. I was 40 then so time was an issue. My conclusion was that I would carefully consider it if a new partner hadn't children of his own and really wanted a child (once we'd been together for about 18 months or so at least). I'm now 42 and single and wouldn't contemplate another even if in a stable relationship. I am "done." I'm content. This is my family. Nothing is missing.

Did you feel complete after one or two? It's different for everyone and I'm on no way suggesting that those with smaller families aren't complete or are missing out. Number of children is a very personal thing and I'm interested to know how people reach their decision to stop having children.

Hope that makes sense, I'm prone to rambling when I'm full of painkillers, sorry

Honestly? Pregnancy and money.

I’d always said I didn’t want more than two, but I would have wavered after DS2 if the thought of doing pregnancy again wasn’t so horrific (hyperemesis and other complications).

And then there’s the financial side. We will have paid more than £100k for nursery by the time DS2 finishes. Plus space in the house, the car, all the added expenses of a third were not prohibitive but a strong deterrent.

Head over heart here. I found becoming a mother very hard and didn't feel ready to try for a second until first was 2. Unexpectedly I found DC2 much easier and a much more uncomplicated joy. I had never expected to want a 3rd but for the first year of DC2's life I felt deeply ambivalent and drawn to the idea. But now that he's past 1 the desire fades with each month.

Reasons to stop

• money; I like it and like being comfortable. Childcare is a LOT, and 3 sets of uni fees makes me feel faint. I want to be able to help my kids financially like my parents did me.
• my career; another mat leave might well finish it off, or at least delay it significantly
• the environmental impact
• holidays that don't revolve around children (would like some again; DH's preferred holidays are not very childfriendly)
• sleep; I really don't do that well without it
• I'm not that great a mum. I am a good one, I do the right stuff, but it doesn't come naturally to me to selflessly put them first. I have needs and desires and they are important to me.
• DH is adamant 2 is enough.

I feel sad still at the thought that I will never be pregnant/give birth again, but tbh I've accepted that would be just as true after a 3rd, and the sadness is already dwindling. I remember the every-2-hours night waking cycle with a newborn and go ".....nope!"

Oh, and I'm very conscious that every baby is a massive roll of the dice and that I've rolled twice and won - straightforward pregnancies, easy births, no lingering health effects, (apparently) healthy neurotypical kids. I don't want to push my luck.

I always thought I'd want 2 or 3. I knew 3 was probably financially difficult.

After number 1, still knew I wanted another. Pregnant with number 2 now.

Reasons there won't be a number 3:

It's bloody hard work so I'd want a bigger gap.

I'll be 34 when this one is born and I don't want do be having another baby much older.

Childcare costs would be insane and everything seems a lot more expensive for family of 5 compared to 4.

Unless I come in to a lot of money we won't be doing it again. Think I'd defo have another if I was rich!

I always planned to have 3. I now have a DS (2) and a DD (6 months) and i know I'm done. Can't put my finger on why as I had good pregnancies and births, and my DD is an absolute joy... but I definitely don't want any more. My DH however still wants us to have another 🙈 Whole other thread!

And exactly what @SoHotADragonRetired said!!

@dumdumdeedum yes the first two were girls. However I didn't feel any great desire to have a boy. I was happy with just girls and if dc3 had been a girl I would have been very happy. When I was pregnant most people told me I'd have a boy. I wasn't thrilled at their uninvited guesses as I was used to girls and felt like I knew what I was doing with girls. Boys seemed very foreign to me and I just couldn't imagine having one. I felt anxious about it. Totally silly as when dc was born there were exclaims if it's a boy! and he was put spread-eagled on my chest and I cupped his bum in my hand, I could feel his testicles and it was kind of oh! testicles! a boy! how wonderful! Every day since, I mentally shake my head at how wonderful it is to have a boy. He's the best thing ever and I'm so glad he is a boy. Even if he does weird things with his penis and thinks it's hilarious 🙄 My girls are 12 and 10 and he's 4. They equally adore and torment each other but play really well together, especially outdoors in parks. The middle one likes to teach him things so they all play school and teach him numbers, letters, art, maths, geography and a little science so far! They even write him little progress reports 😂 I'm one of those #so blessed people although I only tell myself that as don't do social media so I'm not annoying anyone with it 😁

Reading all these replies I'm amazed at what we go through to have children. That urge to reproduce is so strong. Some don't feel that urge at all but it seems most people do. I find that fascinating. One of my biggest fears as I reached adulthood was that I wouldn't be able to have children as I have severe endometriosis. I consider myself very lucky that it didn't affect my fertility and I'm grateful for that every day. Even when I'm considering running away with the circus

I have a toddler and am due #2 any day now. I am DONE. Pregnancy is a means to an end. We knew we wanted two and have been very lucky to conceive straight away.

I'm looking forward to getting the baby and toddler stage out of the way, and the kids being a little more independent and into activities (cinema, bowling, etc)

But most importantly, we feel we will be much better parents to two than 3+ in terms of attention/time/patience etc. Financially we could afford more but the quality of life we want for our kids would be stretched. We want them to have the opportunity of clubs, activities, groups, etc as they can older plus help towards mortgages, university fees etc as they get older. We want to take them on trips and the occasional holiday abroad which are better geared for families of 4.

Two is our perfect number.

Also, I think if in some parallel universe, we decided to go for a third, it would end up as multiples

“Today 18:58 Notanidiot

There some people go again about the impending environment catastrophe as a reason for not having more than two children.

If you were really that concerned you would only have one child or better still none at all.”

Completely agree with this. I’m afraid I don’t believe anyone who claims the environmental impact of children made them decide how many to have especially when, as above, that decision has been one or two anyway.

Oh and bizarrely, having my third as a single parent has been much easier than having one and two was within my marriage.

We have one, with plans for no more. Combination of a traumatic c-section, PND and taking a very long time to bond for me, no support network nearby, plus a kid with additional needs, our ages, and the impact on our marriage has put paid to that.

Have one DS, 18 months old. I am definitely done.
Awful pregnancy with severe PND.
Very long and traumatic birth.
Have had one hip replacement 4 months ago and need another one in 18 months.
45 year old partner with two teenagers that says he cba with more sleep deprivation.

I'm currently on my 3rd pregnancy, I had always wanted three for quite specific family reasons.

In my pipe-dreamland I'd wanted four but I do actually feel like I'm done now. This pregnancy has been so very tough and I'd like to be able to enjoy what's left of my 30s not pregnant or breastfeeding. Plus we can give three (just about) the life/opportunities we want them to have where as four would mean significant compromises.

I imagine that's what it comes down to for most families. I know a lot of families of one child and they can literally give that child everything private school, great holidays... They don't have to compromise.

I have two. In a way I'd have loved to have one more, but I'm done. I've never felt my family wasn't 'complete', even when it was just me and DH, though we knew we wanted to ttc. There's a five year age gap, largely PND and what my midwife suspected was PTSD after the first one's birth, and I think that's made a huge difference too. We've stopped because we can't financially do for three what we can do for two, I can't go back to SMP and the slow climb back into earning more when they're tiny and you're juggling childcare. it makes little sense putting myself through pregnancy again at my age and generally I am really really happy and see no reason to change that.

We only ever planned to have 2 all along. I'm pregnant with no. 2 and we're still happy with our decision. We have a girl and have found out that this is a girl too. A large number of people, on hearing this, have said 'You'll have to go again for the boy'. I always think 'why don't you just fuck off'. It's as if this baby already doesn't matter and that one of each is worth having another child for.

I was not remotely broody after I had my one, it vanished. I don't like small children anyway and did not enjoy the first couple of years very much. I have one who I can put my energy, money and time into but I did not want to stretch any of that to a second. I don't regret my decision at all.

I have 2. I genuinely couldn't cope with 3 and we split up which was final nail in the coffin. I'm very happy with my 2 and once I graduate I know I can provide for them much better than I could with 3

Because we talked about it, and that was The Plan.

Because I looked at Number 2 and knew she would not cope at all well with being a middle child and not the youngest.

Because I wanted them both to have their own bedrooms. And in line with that, because I wanted for us to be able to give them not just the bread and butter, but also the jam in life, to be able to provide more than the basics. And that's not just financially, but emotionally.

And where I've put 'I', read 'we'.

Following! I have DS1 3 years old and DS2 10 weeks old. I always knew I wanted two, and when I was younger I think I did wonder whether I wanted 3. When I was pregnant with DS2 I was very sick and said I would absolutely not be having another. But I still don't feel "done" - both DS' (so far!) have been good sleepers, but even though DS1 is a challenging threenager now it's still not putting me off completely. Maybe I want to see if I'll have a girl? Not sure. I'll wait until DS2 is close to 2 before deciding, I'm 31 and conceived instantly both times so feel like time is on my side. DH is a big NO to 3 but I think he would be persuaded...

I'm 27, I have a 4 and 7 year old. I just know in my heart I'm done, my youngest starts school this year, they are so fun at this age and we had our first holiday last year and it was so fun now they are older. Couldn't imagine going back to the baby stage, don't feel any broodyness whatsoever, family doesn't believe me when I say I'm done but I just feel complete,

Also I love mine and dh's date nights or weekends away, no way I would ask people to watch 3 children just seems too much

I was done when pregnant with ds. It was topped off with an horrific labour and birth and pnd for months. Still not mentally 100% and not sure I ever will be

We have two. I think DH would have been happy enough to have a third if I'd wanted to but after number two I didn't have any strong urge to go again largely because I knew that we could have a pretty comfortable life as a family of four.

I'm one of five dc and while we certainly didn't ever go hungry, there was little left over for anything more than the basics and my parents were often very stressed. I knew I wanted my dc to have a different childhood and I suppose better opportunities and experiences which would have been difficult if we'd had more than two.

They're 9.5 and nearly 8 now and I definitely feel we made the right decision for us. Especially as the most expensive years for childcare are behind us!

We have a one who is only a newborn still. My DH would like more. I am not sure, purely because of how it has affected me emotionally. I thought pregnancy and birth were meant to be the hardest parts.

Age! If i’d Started 10 years earlier we’d have 3 or 4 not 2...