Parents of one or two children-how did you know you were "done" and why ?

[Motheroffeminists]

Inspired by another thread.

I'm wondering why those who have one or two children decided to stop at that number, and if they would have liked more? (if it was a conscious decision and not due to medical reasons).

I always wanted two children, one of each, as most children probably do as they are growing up and thinking about when they will have children of their own.

I had two children during my marriage and then we decided to try for number three. My husband decided around the same time to try his luck with a much younger model and buggered off so I was very glad I didn't conceive then.

Since then I've had another child and am so glad I did. I felt I wasn't "done" with having children when I had two. It was quite a difficult emotion to have as I was just into my later 30s and was in a long distance relationship (that didn't last.) But it was such a pull to have another child. Like the yearning to have my first. I found out I was pregnant once I'd finished that relationship so not ideal but I have no regrets about having my ds.

Once my ds turned 2 and I started dating I was asked if I would have any more children. I was 40 then so time was an issue. My conclusion was that I would carefully consider it if a new partner hadn't children of his own and really wanted a child (once we'd been together for about 18 months or so at least). I'm now 42 and single and wouldn't contemplate another even if in a stable relationship. I am "done." I'm content. This is my family. Nothing is missing.

Did you feel complete after one or two? It's different for everyone and I'm on no way suggesting that those with smaller families aren't complete or are missing out. Number of children is a very personal thing and I'm interested to know how people reach their decision to stop having children.

Hope that makes sense, I'm prone to rambling when I'm full of painkillers, sorry

I desperately wanted a second until dd got to around 3.5 but I think a lot of that was me feeling like I wanted to do it all "properly" as everything went so terribly wrong after she was born.. now before anyone gets it twisted, I fully appreciated her, it was life that went wrong, the birth, PND, relationship breakdown, the sheer gutting realisation that I wasn't important to anyone .. I had always dreamt of having a family of my own and everything that goes with it but it wasn't to be. So in my own way, i guess i yearned for a second chance at it?? I loved being pregnant too and not being pregnant anymore took me a while to get over bizarrely
Well thankfully, I was still thinking half sensibly and never did give in to that feeling. Instead I concentrated on the child I had and building my life with her.
I'd always imagined I'd have 3 children but after experiencing it I'm not sure id cope with more than one, I'm in awe of anyone who manages it tbh!
Also, dd was a nightmare of a toddler, she's 4.5 now and lovely, I really don't want to go back to that, I felt like I was losing my mind! I think I did a little...

DH and I wanted 2 children for practical reasons but also emotionally I know I am so done.

I used to ache to be pregnant and hold my child in my arms. Now I feel ill at the thought of doing it all again. I want to give my children as much of my time and attention as I can and that's already stretched with two.

PND

2 dc, girl then boy, 22 months apart. From when ds was around 3 months old we were totally surprised to find ourselves enjoying everything so much that we could imagine at least one if not two more, which had never been the plan. Honestly I felt at the time that 4 was right for us, and dh too, though we were both shy to the point of not 100% admitting it to ourselves/each other (this not being what had been discussed in advance!!) We were tentatively beginning to acknowledge we'd both love the idea when, when ds was 6 months old,I had a horrific episode of depression which went undiagnosed for over 6 months and very nearly led to us splitting (completely out of "character" for us and our relationship). I only came out of it properly 2 years later, and by the time we felt stable again as ourselves and a couple and as a family, we both knew that ship had sailed. We didn't want to go back to nappies etc and knew we didn't have the emotional resources to be fair to more than the two (amazing) kids we already had. And having disastrously tried to come off ADs after a year, I've since known I'll always keep taking them for all our sakes - but the psychiatrist was v clear all along that the ones that were working for me had a huge risk of pregnancy complications and birth defects. Having since then also had more depressive "crashes" I'm so glad we don't have more children to suffer from it.

I'm generally very happy with who we are as a family of four. But I do still feel cheated by depression out of what could have been, both in terms of hypothetically having more kids and in terms of the ways in which having a depressed mum has impacted to two we do have. I know we're done in our actual circumstances. But if I'm honest, I still wish things could have turned out differently, or at least that we could have felt like we had the choice instead of struggling to keep our whole

Oops, pressed post too soon...

To finish the sentence, I meant to say "instead of struggling to keep our family afloat at all"

Depression really sucks

One and done. Always wanted more but life didn't turn out the way I thought and I'm realising what I actually want now, and it's not the Disney dream I thought I wanted. I'm single and plan to stay that way. No marriage, no more children. I've got stuff to do for myself and my daughter. I won't rely on a dream any more, I'll make my new ones happen by myself.

Always wanted 2 and am extremely lucky that i now have 2. Struggled a lot in the early days with 2 though and realistically I still am. Often feel like my kids deserve a lot better and I don’t do well at being mum some days! So in the moments I wonder ‘am I done’ I know I could never cope and would probably, actually collapse! I really don’t know how people do it!

There some people go again about the impending environment catastrophe as a reason for not having more than two children.

If you were really that concerned you would only have one child or better still none at all.

Agree with the poster who wrote this.

*There some people go again about the impending environment catastrophe as a reason for not having more than two children.

If you were really that concerned you would only have one child or better still none at all.*

This makes no sense - 'if you were concerned about the environment enough to have no more than two children, you would have one or no children'.
The point is people are concerned enough not to introduce a net gain in population, but balance that with their desire to reproduce. Hope that helps you understand.

• I like the one I've got. Obviously I don't mean to imply that people who have more don't appreciate their existing kid(s). It's just my personality: if I have something I like, I've always been the kind of person who thinks "awesome! Now let's not chance my luck by asking for more", rather than wanting to acquire a couple of others like it.
• The environment.
• Around the time I was mulling over the possibility of a second child, an old acquaintance got pregnant with her third because she didn't feel quite finished with the baby stage yet. Two previous textbook pregnancies, no reason to expect the third to be different. In the event, she nearly died and the baby was very early. It really brought home the fact that, if I got pregnant again, the risk of something going wrong was small but the consequences if it did could be devastating for my existing child.
• DD is very vocal about not wanting a sibling.

We have 2 wonderful dds, and would both LOVE another, but financially and practically it would be a strain Plus the environmental impact of having a larger family would play on my conscience. If money wasn't an issue I'd probably overlook the other points though. I also like the fact my girls are close in age, get on pretty well, and I find parenting them relatively easy at the moment, they're 2 and 4, and most of the time, bloody delightful, get on well together, and are generally really good (ask me again when they're 14 and 16 😅!) It worries me number 3 would be the wild card! I definitely don't "feel done" though. DD was a surprise baby, so I never got round to getting broody feelings with her as we were planning on waiting longer, so maybe I'm getting the broodiness now to make up for it?! Doesn't help that dh desperately wants another. It's head over heart on this one though as I have to be practical.

I always thought I would have 2, or 3. I am from a big family and my siblings mean so much to me- we plan big trips away and just have a great time.

Then I had DD. It’s been so much harder than I ever imagined, but I also have an overwhelming love for her (I know everyone says this)- I’m literally obsessed and I don’t think I could cope with another. She has all of my attention all the time. I think maybe she is meant to be (a slightly spoiled) only child.

She will have lots of cousins to play with and DH is an only and has never complained.

I would never rule it out. But babies are bloody hard work physically (and mentally), I honestly don’t know how anyone has them close together with 1-2 year age gaps?! Just seems absolutely impossible.

I stopped at one. Reasons:
Single
Financial
Logistic
DD premature
We have a lovely dynamic
I felt as though the biological urge had been satiated.
I felt -feel- lucky to have her. She went through a lot

I would have liked more than 2 children but it would have been irresponsible.

We can provide well for our two. Financially, time wise, emotionally etc. More would involve sacrificing their quality of life because of what I wanted.

I also think the human race is fucked. We seem hell bent on bringing about our own extinction by destroying our life support.

I feel quite a lot of guilt for my children who are going to have to suffer and sometimes wish I had not had any, for their sakes. Still my two are pretty sharp and switched on so maybe they can help turn it around.

It took about 4 years after ds1 was born for me to be in a place to consider a second (PND), though I don't think we'd ever intended him to be an only. Took another 2 years for ds1 to actually arrive. No PND but huge change in our family circumstances.
Didn't really feel 'done', but also no huge desire for a 3rd. When ds2 was 3 I fell pregnant. We were shocked but actually really chuffed. And then I had a miscarriage the day before my 12 week scan which nearly killed me (physically and emotionally) which is the point I decided absolutely no more. Couldn't go through that again, plus the risk of leaving my existing 2 without a mother terrified me.

I had DS in my early mid 30s. Didn't have a second one straight away, then work, divorce, and then I was well over 40.
I think I'd have another if it happened by contraception failure, but it would be hard.

Two.
We toyed with a third, DH wanted to try for a third when DC2 was around 6 months (we already have a 17 month gap between the two eldest). I said absolutely not .
I was keen on a third when DC2 was 2. DH said absolutely not .

Tbh I think it's hormones isn't it. Once the youngest was at school things settled and our family definitely feels complete.

There is a part of me that would like a 3rd, especially as I have 2 of the same gender, but it would be selfish, I feel I wouldn't emotionally be able to give 3 children the time they need that I can give to 2. And I can give a more comfortable upbringing financially for 2. It's quite easy to suppress any potential broodiness when I know it's best for my 2 children. I do find it odd when women lose this rational form of thinking and give in completely to hormones, I don't mean 2-3 children perse as I acknowledge it is my own personal situation that would make 3 difficult, but just looking at the thread going on currently about having a 5th. No thought whatsoever seems to go into the impact on the current children, but what the parents desire for themselves.

I have one. Want 2.
Might try for a second but environmental reasons and practically would rather stay at 1.

I have 2, when youngest was about 2 I thought if I go for 3rd I'll wait till she's at school, when that time came I just thought no, definitely not it don't want to go through all that again. I love them both and wouldn't change anything but even now the thought of a third I almost start hyperventilating!

Never had a moment’s wonder after DD (singleton) was born, or since.

One and done, with every fibre of my being. Never even popped into my dreams asleep. It’s a very natural, ‘right’ feeling with no doubts.

Find the idea of others with multiple kids very alien. I’m sure they’d say the same about me!

I have two boys and I think we will be sticking at 2. Mainly for financial reasons, but I also don’t want to go through pregnancy or childbirth again. I do have little pangs when I see babies though and I always thought I’d have a girl so I think part of me will always wonder if no 3 would have been a girl.

Dh was clear from the start that he only wanted two. I might have liked a third, but I do think it's the parent who doesn't want another child who gets to decide.

Also, my health was quite poor when having ds and I was aware there were risks, both to the child itself and to all the children growing up without a mother or with a mother incapacitated a long time.

Very glad of this decision afterwards, as dd turned out to be disabled and needed a lot of support.

Also thinking more about the environment these days.

I’m pretty sure we’re done at 2. For me, it is financial and also being able to give attention to both children. I feel very torn with a toddler and newborn and it makes me sad that on the days I have both on my own, we’re in survival mode. I’m sure it’ll get easier but I don’t want to throw another newborn into that mix and complicate our lives further.

I have two hands so two children makes sense

I had my ds at 42 and although I would have liked a sibling for him I really didn't want to go through birth and those early months again (I'm not really into tiny babies). I also became peri menopausal about a after having ds and although I was offered IVF I just wasn't that bothered. My ds is nearly 4 now and I'm glad I didn't put myself and my body through another pregnancy. As things stand I'm currently determined to be fit and healthy to see my son growing up. He can make friends instead of having siblings.