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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do you really think of people who are quiet?

210 replies

mouse5 · 05/05/2019 08:54

I am very quiet and have always received negative comments about it mainly from family.
Awkward/ disinterested/ gormless are some of the "nicer" things that have been said to me.

What do people really think about quiet people? Do you really think that it's awkward if we end up sitting next to you at a wedding? Do you think we're being rude because we aren't speaking much?

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 08:56

No not at all. DP is very quiet (extremely shy) and when he does speak he's so softly spoken people often speak over him (I don't think they hear him) so he doesn't tend to bother much.

I just figure quiet people are either nervous, or don't have anything to say at that time.

It doesn't bother me, and I wouldn't judge.

sl07 · 05/05/2019 08:58

I'm like that also, quite shy. It's always awkward silences, mines anxiety though:(

londonloves · 05/05/2019 08:59

I'm quiet too in big groups but more outgoing in small groups of people I know well, or one to one.
Quiet people are great and interesting once you get to know them.
My ex boss called me aloof, awkward, told me no one liked me and I wasn't making any effort to get to know people. Lovely. She also said I was a square peg in a round hole and should rethink my career plans... my last job was same grade as her, four years after I left her organisation, and I'm approx 15 years younger than her. Fuck the haters!

RedSheep73 · 05/05/2019 08:59

I don't know, becausd I am the quiet/shy person too. I don't tend to spot other shy people though - apparently one of my cousins is worse than me, but I never knew until now because I just assumed she didn't want to talk because of sonething about me, not something about her. What I'm trying to say is there are a lot if us, and if people don't start a conversation it could be because they feel the same as you.

Nnnnnineteen · 05/05/2019 08:59

My df is very quiet, considers himself a listener rather than a talker. Which means I either become motor mouth in an attempt to have some sort of conversation, or we sit in silence. I find his inability to make an effort quite tedious, he doesn't see why he should make more effort.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/05/2019 09:00

I just assume quiet people are shy. I don't think anything negative about them, though I do wish they had the confidence to share it bit more of themselves.

palahvah · 05/05/2019 09:00

In social situations I don't think it's rude if people don't speak much, but I do think it's rude if people don't make an effort at conversation. If you don't want to speak much that's fine, all the more reason to ask some open questions of other people so they can do the talking.

Original poster
mouse5 · 05/05/2019 09:01

InTheHeatofLisbon you have a dh who is quiet so clearly you must have been ok with it. But I find the people who don't really have quiet family members or are very loud themselves seem to have negative perceptions. It's like they don't seem to have first hand experience of this oddity that we are!

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ThePants999 · 05/05/2019 09:01

There's a difference between not saying much and speaking quietly. I couldn't care less how garrulous someone is, but I hate it when I have to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

GreyGardens88 · 05/05/2019 09:02

I'm quiet because I just don't have any self esteem or confidence in what I have to say, I also have anxiety. I'm worried people think I'm arrogant and not interested in them, when actually the opposite is true Sad

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/05/2019 09:02

Perhaps it's not confidence I mean. I suppose I wish they had the desire to share more of themselves. That's if they look interesting, naturally.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 09:04

mouse5 aye I see what you mean. He does get described as stand offish or aloof (probably not helped by his burly, bald, bearded appearance) but in reality he's just got nothing to add.

It's ironic that loud people don't realise they get judged too isn't it?

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2019 09:06

My ex boss called me aloof, awkward, told me no one liked me and I wasn't making any effort to get to know people.

Yes, I had similar at an appraisal, for a part-time job, aged 20.

Aloof, intimidating and all the “boys” (his word) on the team were scared of me. I didn’t mind the last bit. Hmm

Original poster
mouse5 · 05/05/2019 09:06

Being quiet is definitely deemed a negative characteristic. I have people tripping over themselves at toddler group saying how talkative and chatty their toddler is. Oh no! Alberta is not shy and quiet! God forbid she turns out quiet!

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ssd · 05/05/2019 09:06

I don't mind quiet people but I hate loud mouths who can't shut up. Empty vessels make the most noise and all that....

Sigh81 · 05/05/2019 09:08

I don't think anything, though I do make a special effort to include them in conversation, in case they would like to join in but are too shy to do so (a legacy from my being a shy schoolgirl).

But I certainly don't think of them as socially awkward. Or difficult or aloof. DH is very self-contained but that complements me perfectly.

ssd · 05/05/2019 09:09

And I can't stand those loud kids who feel the need to be in your face all the time, I think the quiet ones are most likely to be getting enough attention at home and they don't feel the need to be the star of everything outside it.

megrichardson · 05/05/2019 09:09

Sometimes people are quiet because they can't get a word in edgeways.

AlexaShutUp · 05/05/2019 09:10

I don't really think anything in particular. People are quiet for different reasons. It doesn't have to be seen as a negative thing.

MariaNovella · 05/05/2019 09:10

Quiet people can be an incredibly draining force in a group - just as draining as very loud people.

Fluffiest · 05/05/2019 09:10

It depends on the situation. If a quiet person is in a group of people and they are not saying much but are following the conversation, smiling and looking reasonably comfortable then I just think that they might be a little shy and think nothing more of it.

If I'm talking 1:1, and the conversation is really stilted and the person looks uncomfortable, and doesn't say anything to keep the conversation going then I feel guilty and a bit of an idiot for making them feel uncomfortable. I often wonder what do quiet people want us to do in that situation? Make an excuse and go mingle elsewhere to release you from the conversation? Persevere to help get past the awkward stage? Just stand there in what actually might be comfortable silence for you?

Some tips from quiet people may help us chatty ones handle shyness better.

sl07 · 05/05/2019 09:11

I defaintly get outed because I'm shy and quiet, my OH family think I'm rude and unsociable and prefer his ex as she was loud and outgoing

AlexaShutUp · 05/05/2019 09:11

I don't think talkative is a negative thing either fwiw. People are just different, and I don't have a problem with that.

TSSDNCOP · 05/05/2019 09:12

There’s quiet and interesting/interested/engaged/smiley

And there’s quiet/morose/disengaged/panic-stricken

The first, I’d happily sit with/next to although I’d need them to speak up a little as my hearing isn’t great. The other I’d scramble to avoid.

Original poster
mouse5 · 05/05/2019 09:12

SSD I genuinely don't mind people who are loud/ very talkative. I have never never judged anyone for being like that. You wouldn't be rude to people about parts of their personality so why is it ok for being quiet?

I've been asked countless times "Why are you so quiet?". Noone ever gets asked " why do you talk so much?" It's fucking rude that's why!

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