What do you really think of people who are quiet?

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I am very quiet and have always received negative comments about it mainly from family.
Awkward/ disinterested/ gormless are some of the "nicer" things that have been said to me.

What do people really think about quiet people? Do you really think that it's awkward if we end up sitting next to you at a wedding? Do you think we're being rude because we aren't speaking much?

I am a natural introvert who has worked hard for years to learn how to make social chitchat. If you met me at a party, you would probably think I was fairly extroverted. But it is hard work for me and I feel drained afterwards. If I meet someone who is monosyllabic and who never asks anything back to keep the conversation going, then I do find them hard work, and tbh, I dread being stuck beside them at formal dinners where I can´t get away. To the point that I often refuse to go to dinners where this is likely. I don't judge them for being quiet, but they aren't good or easy company, and I´d rather spent time with other people.

It does take a certain sort of ego to basically think "I expect you to make all the effort to get to know me, with no encouragement because underneath my quiet exterior Im really worth it." Still waters do sometimes run deep but just as often people say nothing because they have nothing worth saying.

I'm introverted, quiet, shy and boring. Not rude though.
But certainly if someone makes small talk I reciprocate. This took years to learn. I am awful at initiating conversation, admire witty charming people, and would happily take pointers.

OP are you genuinely disinterested? It might be what they say doesn't engage you. I find I have more to say when it comes to some philosophical debate etc. Admittedly that makes me boring as I don't have any input most of the time.

I'm only loud with DH and kids, and familiar people usually on 121 basis or small groups. I still struggle at work and can come across disinterested and blunt because in my mind i only speak when worth wasting my breath on (luckily im no longer a junior). I dont input ideas, and pefer to write them down as I can self edit.
probably some underlying social issues.

Don't change who you are and don't let the extroverts make you feel small.

What do I think of people who are quiet?

No more or no less than I think of anyone else - people come in all varieties!

(So long as for 'quiet' we're not talking 'self-obsessed')

@Barbarian it also makes you quite egocentric to think that just because someone is quiet it means that they want you to speak to them. Maybe they'd rather you went and bothered someone else,did you ever think of that?

If I'm honest I think you're riding on the coattails of other people's efforts to maintain smooth social communication.

I don’t think one particular thing about all quiet people. Some are shy, some withhold talk because they’re bored or aloof, sometimes people don’t say much simply because they’re tired. I’ve made the mistake in the past of assuming that a quiet person was “stuck up” and later realised they were anxious and I very much regret being so judgemental.

One of my colleagues says she finds it hard to process things on the spot in meetings, she prefers to think it over and contribute her view after thinking it through. But there’s another person on our team who can’t understand this, and keeps saying “But what do YOU think, Lucy?” They’ll literally say “Shush shush everyone, let’s wait for Lucy to say something”. Which makes “Lucy” feel patronised, and even more anxious.

As this thread shows quiet means different things to different people with some taking it to mean introverted while others see it as shy (those are not the same thing), others describing "listeners" and some posters are describing social anxiety. All quite different.

As usual the thread goes into how awful extroverts are, with posters assuming extrovert = loud, annoying, constantly talking and introvert (or shy or quiet or socially not very capable) as somehow superior. Oh and I say that as someone who couldn't be mistaken for anything but an introvert!

As an introvert who also suffers from social anxiety I can relate to people who find large groups or sitting at a table with people they don't know difficult. It's hard but I have to say it can be made even more difficult if the person I'm seated next to simply doesn't engage at all because unfortunately my anxiety means my brain is saying Oh nooo I'm obviously boring him/her to tears and I feel very uncomfortable!

Being able to interact pleasantly with other people is a life skill. It's not an easy one for all of us but people shouldn't delude themselves that an unwillingness or inability to do so somehow makes them better, it really doesn't.

I’m a pretty confident type and I hate being ‘left out’ so I always try to be nice to people.

I was Vote Counting on Thursday night, so paired with a stranger for 9 hours and for about 3 hours of that time you’re not doing anything. You’re seated in a straight line and nobody on the other side of the table to chat with.

I made every effort. Every time I went to the loo or to get a tea I’d ask her if she wanted to come and she’d tag along but even when we sat in the Canteen on our break she didn’t engage.

At the end of the night she actually offered me a lift home! I was gobsmacked! I had to refuse as poor DP had been waiting in the Car Park for 2 hours. She thanked me for being kind and said she finds it difficult as she’s shy etc etc.
That’s fine. But I must admit that when I looked round at others chatting and laughing I was pretty pissed off because I was just sitting staring at a wall and trying to think of things to say. I could have chatted with the pair to the other side of me but that would have meant turning my back to her, which is rude.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to be quiet or shy but you need to be aware of the efforts that other people make and that, while you have every right to remain quiet, your quietness can be quite uncomfortable for others.

Of course I've thought of that Aprilly see my earlier post. Really wouldn't want to inflict myself on someone which is why its so awkward to be stuck next to someone who clearly doesn't want to know.

What I dont get is why someone so quiet/introverted/shy would be upset that other people find it unrewarding to be in their company.

If quiet / noisy was binary then I'd be in the quiet camp. I'm an introvert in the sense of being happy to spend time alone and preferring close friendships with a few people over huge groups.

This made me seem much more quiet when young, far less so as I've got older, formed friendships with similar people, found many more things to talk about, suitable things to do and become more confident in all sorts of ways.

Even with this 'quiet person' perspective, I do think that there are rules of social interaction - for very good reasons - and that entering a social situation then 'opting out' is rude and places an unfair burden on other people.

As pp have said; being a good listener, asking open questions and following the answers interestedly, is fine - it's great in fact, most people love to be listened to. Not engaging, seeming uninterested and leaving others to do all the social 'work' is rude.

I think it's a bit like non-drivers who constantly ask for lifts and don't understand the burden they're placing upon the driver, because they never are the driver. The 'rude quiet person' doesn't always understand the burden they are placing upon others.

I've worked for myself for several years now, but when I was working in my last NHS job I worked along a woman who was incredibly extrovert. I'm the complete opposite and also at the time was going through a difficult time with infertility.

Outwardly she seemed friendly and kind and caring, but as I got to know her better she was one of those really smug and irritating people who thought that she had all the answers, that her life was the best way to live. She constantly interrupted me in meetings and even when I was talking to a consultant about a treatment for a patient that she knew nothing about. I had a particular set of skills and she bullied me constantly about doing training - which I wasn't prepared to do for many reasons, mostly that I just didn't have the time, the motivation or the capacity. She would send stroppy emails demanding that we had catch ups, even though we shared no patients.

When I complained to my line manager she just said that we were different people and she meant well.

She didn't. She was a loud, opinionated, rude bully and she was the main reason that I quit that job.

It does take a certain sort of ego to basically think "I expect you to make all the effort to get to know me, with no encouragement because underneath my quiet exterior Im really worth it."

Don't be ridiculous. It has nothing to do with ego at all FFS.

I have developed a big problem vis a vis social interaction, since my last major ms attack. This did something to my brain which has meant that I simply freeze if i am in a gathering of more than 2 or 3 people - no matter how well I know them. Family reunions are painful because while I can identify pretty well everyone, I can't actually remember them so that personal connection is kind of gone, which leaves me feeling awkward, shy and terrified. I do try though.

I am becoming very isolated so i don't get to practise small talk much either. On the odd occasion when I do attend aome sort of gathering I am such a waste of space!

I'm an introvert who can pretend to be an extrovert at times - I'm good at it but find it exhausting.

Because I seem to be comfortable in this space, I'm often placed with quiet people in social groups as I can keep the conversation going. I absolutely hate this as I feel a huge amount of pressure to fill conversation gaps and I end up feeling quite resentful - why should I have to do all the work when the self-confessed quiet person gets a get out of jail free card?

This is entirely my doing of course- if I admitted to being the quiet one, I wouldn't have to work so hard (it's taken a lot of counselling to understand why I have put myself in this role!).

Therefore, I certainly don't judge or dislike quiet people but I would definitely avoid them in social situations if I have the choice.

I simply freeze if i am in a gathering of more than 2 or 3 people - no matter how well I know them

I feel like that too. I simply cannot muster up the power of speech or even think of what to say.

The only reason I feel awkward around quiet people is because I am introverted myself and find it difficult to start a conversation. I rely on other people to initiate things and, once someone gets things going, I can manage. If I find myself beside someone quiet, there will be no conversation, because I won't start one and, presumably, neither will they. And I'll be sitting there with my wee brain whirring away, generating loads of conversation starters because that's what's expected. No matter how introverted I am, I still feel the awkwardness of empty air and think it should somehow be filled with chitchat as per social convention.

My dad was an introvert and a very quiet man. But, unlike me, he couldn't give a stuff about awkward silences. He just stayed in his own little bubble and let everybody talk or not talk as they saw fit. He only joined in if something piqued his interest, but that was rare, I suppose because of the mental energy required to step outside his comfort zone.

“Some people are shy which makes them quiet and I'd really encourage those that if they want to, they can learn to talk in social situations- it's a practised skill like any other.”

Some of the comments here are so patronising - I should be encouraged to attend social events to practice talking? 😂

I’m introverted, not shy. Not that either are character defects. I don’t particularly like people nor do I have much interest in random people. I can pretend and make small talk and smile nicely at things like weddings etc but I don’t actually care.

At a family dinner of 20 people recently, I barely said a word. They were all nice people but all very close and I couldn’t get a word in anyway.

I have no issues with public speaking, I used to be a flight attendant and am training to be a primary school teacher.

If a person shows signs of anxiety or shyness I assume that's why they are quiet and feel a lot empathy (I used to be very shy when younger).

If they seem confident but don't respond to my attempts at conversation, and don't ask me anything, I'd think they are at bit rude. I'd keep trying to get to know them but I'd feel uncomfortable working with them. It's a snub if someone never chats to you!

I'm fairly quiet, compared to my colleagues. But I do ask them about themselves, what they've been doing, and I share bits of my life too. We laugh and joke and know each other well, but it was an effort at first as I'm not naturally outgoing. I was useless at small talk until I reached my late 20s, it really is a skill you have to practice. I still stumble over my words and go off piste when I'm nervous but it's about showing interest.

If someone avoided small talk altogether I'd think they were reserved, unfriendly and perhaps looked down on me a bit.

I talk too much

I tend to be very admiring of quiet people. I can’t keep my gob shut.

Though I do take issue with this Noone ever gets asked " why do you talk so much?

I have been. Loads of times. Still, i agree that it’s fucking rude either way mind you.

Estuary, re your colleague at the count I think i'd have started chatting to the other people, she was being rude in making no effort- I'd have had to try and chat to the people on the other side of me.

Agree that learning to be polite / make small talk is a skill. And also surprised that some go to mums nights out , don't contribute anything but go in order to not miss out. How long do you think people should start trying to force friendship/ conversation out of you?

There is no ego or superiority complex. That will come thru regardless of a quiet or noisy person

wedding and formals are painful unless you are with friends. It's not like a club or work or close friends dinner party where you share more external commonality. you start with small chat, establish why you are both there etc. But after that 'background interview' you need to keep going for another, like 3 hours, which does depend on some chemistry etc, not really whether the person is an introvert or extrovert.

School uni and work environment helps.. sometimes you just don't have much in common with family, whom you can't choose

Reveal maybe you do talk too much sometimes but in a large group or at a wedding/sit down for dinner type event you're what I call easy company ie I don't have to work too hard to think of things to say because you're carrying 80% of the conversation! So don't feel too bad about it - some of us introverts appreciate our more extroverted friends on these occasions .

I get a lot of ear infections which make me a bit deaf. This means that a) I drive DH mad by speaking quietly (can’t hear myself so get paranoid that I’m shouting and b) other writer speakers drive me mad as I can’t hear them!