What do you really think of people who are quiet?

[mouse5]

I am very quiet and have always received negative comments about it mainly from family.
Awkward/ disinterested/ gormless are some of the "nicer" things that have been said to me.

What do people really think about quiet people? Do you really think that it's awkward if we end up sitting next to you at a wedding? Do you think we're being rude because we aren't speaking much?

*other quiet speakers

An extrovert personality is no indication of confidence. Some people are loud to mask insecurities.

An insecure extrovert will take the disinterest of the introvert as confirmation of their own insecurities. Extroverts and introverts are alike in this insular thinking, and understanding this helps avoid the misunderstanding that the introvert's rejection of conversation is evidence that the extrovert is disliked.

A recent example. Was on a training course with an introvert guy aged in his 20s. As an extrovert, it fell to me to engage him and encourage him to make his voice heard in the group rather than just agreeing with the louder people there. A group of us went to the pub for lunch, I included him in the invite thinking why on earth would a guy in his 20s want to spend more time than he has to with a bunch of peri-menopausal women? To my surprise he accepted and, during lunch, asked to take a photo because his friends wouldn't believe he went for lunch with 5 women as he's so shy.

In short - for his own personal reasons, he thinks, why would people want to spend time with me?

I think, I'm old and irrelevant, why would someone his age be interested in speaking to me about anything other than work?

How long do you think people should start trying to force friendship/ conversation out of you
I think this is probably aimed at my post.
I don’t expect friendships to blossom and I certainly don’t ignore people who speak to me but I find it hard to initiate the conversation in big groups.
I always go with the idea that at least turning up at these events shows more willingness to interact then just staying at home. So I am at least trying.

I’m an introvert but probably appear to be an extrovert to lots of people. I find large groups intimidating and worry loads before an event or meet up about whether I can maintain a conversation. It’s tempting to avoid social situations but I have to force myself to be sociable or I fear I would associate with no one outside my family which is isolating. But I won’t lie; it’s draining and stressful.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline totally agree 're revel. I love loud people at events despite being quiet myself. It's an amazing life skill. They totally rescue a table from dire straits and me deciding never to go out again

On the odd occasion when I do attend aome sort of gathering I am such a waste of space!

I hope you don't mean that @Jux. It makes me so sad if you do because your family and your true friends will appreciate you just being there

I always go with the idea that at least turning up at these events shows more willingness to interact then just staying at home. So I am at least trying

I agree gamer, you're making an effort. We can't all be the one to start the show so to speak but as long as we engage a bit, smile encouragingly when others are talking and look interested then I think we've met our social obligation. If the other mums felt you weren't then you wouldn't be invited.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but please read the book
'Quiet: the power of introverts'.

Introverts are very often misjudged or underestimated. But that's OK because it gives us the element of surprise!

And yes some people never stop talking.i often wonder how they breathe.

@Polarbearflavour well my post doesn't apply to you. If you had read it properly then I clearly said I was only addressing those that want to learn to be chatty (where I said "if you want to") - which you have no intention of doing.

And I also made it clear my post was only intended for those that are shy like I used to be. Yet you say you're introverted, not shy. Cool, my post obviously wasn't aimed at you then so just smile and move on

Agree Bowchic I have no idea how I've ended to with at least two "at the louder end of extrovert" type friends but I have and there have been times I've been sooo bloody grateful for them!

I'm quite chatty one to one, but find it hard in large groups - I struggle with knowing when to jump in, and when there is a pause then the conversation has moved on and what I was going to say is no longer relevant. Certain members of my family talk a lot and I think I gave up trying to compete and never really learnt that particular conversational skill. It's fine if I'm with friends as they know me but I find it hard when I'm in a group I don't know well, like at the school gates.

What I dont get is why someone so quiet/introverted/shy would be upset that other people find it unrewarding to be in their company

Don't know.Maybe for the same reason some loud people get upset that some quiet people find their company unrewarding?

I had to teach myself to be ok at chatting
It’s hard work
No one really enjoys it. But it’s how we meet people. It’s how we survive group settings.
If someone else doesn’t want to make the small effort to find something in their brain to vaguely engage me then it’s really hard!! I end up feeling crap too. I am sitting there trying to think of anything to start a convo and thinking that this person opposit would rather I just dropped dead.

Everyone needs to try hard!

My friend talks a lot but she has a very good memory so when you meet her she asks after your brother's horse/ mothers operation/ room extension or whatever was talked about the last time you met. Whereas I have a bad memory (there could be something else to it as well such as just not caring about other people's goings on very much) and of course I have NO recollection of brother's horse etc, it's not that I don't care about brother's horse but it doesn't spring to mind when I see you, when the event was several weeks ago.
Not sure what to do with this. I just don't chat a lot.
Friend also talks an awful lot and wants to know all the details, perhaps that is how she remembers things.

Just to clarify - Extrovert/introvert refers to where we get our energy from, not how loud or quiet we are or how shy or confident we are.

@PrincessTiggerlily that's so true. Being repeatedly good at small talk is also about remembering the details which I'm shit at. So I'm good at small talk with completely new people but want to hide when I bump into a vague acquintance as by that point I'll have completely forgotten everything about their life! Something I keep meaning to practice.

That's true zippety but introverts tend to talk a bit less.

I don't understand this constant need for conversation. By the sounds of it some people in here really make an effort to make conversation. Maybe I'm doing it wrong but I am happy to sit in silence if there is nothing interesting to say. Some people rabbit on about the same things every day at lunch and I just wonder if they ever stop and enjoy the quiet. If I have nothing useful to contribute I don't say anything. I only ask questions if genuinely interested. I hate when people ask me questions about myself and I can see they are just making convo and don't really care about the answer. The next day they'll ask the same questions.

I suppose there's intro/extro, loud volume/quiet volume and chatty/not chatty. These are all different things I guess.

Some people are associating 'quiet' and 'shy'. The two are not necessarily linked. Quiet to me is someone who doesn't feel the need to talk, is perhaps happy in their selves, shy is someone who wants to but finds it difficult to talk/ interact or get involved. In the same way as 'loud' doesn't mean 'confident'. I know a few people who talk a mile a minute but are over compensating as they have low self- esteem.

I much prefer quieter people. Much, much better than people who won't shut the f up and love the sound of their own voice.

I can guarantee that apart from a few people on Mumsnet, nobody at home is sitting around pondering why people are quiet / shy / loud / extrovert etc.

If you go to a wedding and don’t say much, for whatever reason, nobody will care or remember by the next day.

I always thought there is something wrong with me as I’m not particularly interested in ‘people’. If I’m at a wedding and I know I will never see this person again, I don’t really bother engaging in more than a hello and simple niceties.

I’ve always been a bit jealous of my SIL who seems genuinely interested in knowing everyone. So everyone thinks she is bubbly and friendly and remembers her. I’ve always wished I could be interested in just knowing people in the moment, even when it’s likely that I’ll never see them again. After reading this thread I’ve realised that she probably doesn’t give a shit either and is probably faking it. This is an eye opener to me.

I think I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities by not networking, especially in the workplace. I’ve seen this in action when the new temp was promoted over me as she engaged with everyone in the department from day 1, including all the senior managers. I only spoke to my immediate team members.

I wish someone had coached me in just faking interest, even if you’re not really. I suppose because I hate being fake, but unfortunately this is what seems to be expected.

Social skills are called skills for a reason. Like all skills, some people pick them up more easily than others.

We're all interdependent social animals, whether we like it or not and, having simple social rules and patterns of behaviour makes things easier not harder - as there is something that can be learnt, you don't have to be innately talented.

Yes, quiet people can have excellent social skills, I'm not conflating the two things. But there are a number of posters questioning why basic social rules and norms are needed and why any effort needs to be made when with other people at all. It does, for their sakes, even if you don't want to do it or care about people talking to you.

@LoveIsHope
You can coach yourself
You can do courses

Why do you presume you’ll never meet people again at a wedding. You could make friends. Meet a partner.

No-one enjoys making small talk at weddings. But if no-one did idle chit chat with people they don't know then human society would stop functioning.

If you go to a wedding and don’t say much, for whatever reason, nobody will care or remember by the next day.

Or not.

I still have the shudders from a wedding in 2012. The sit down bit was looong and the tables were large so you could only really speak to the people on either side of you. I was between my husband and a stranger.

I don’t find small talk easy but I’ve learned to do it because, as others have said, it’s part of the deal when it comes to being in social situations. I’m quite practised now.

But by god the man sitting beside me made zero effort. I gave it my all to start or maintain any kind of conversation but got zero back. Husband chatting merrily to the person on his other side so I just got to sit like a lemon for a few hours. It was excruciating and miserable and in that situation no, being ‘quiet’ doesn’t get you a pass from trying to make or reciprocate conversation.

If you’re in a ‘forced conversation’ situation that you’ve agreed to participate in, such as a wedding or a dinner party, you do need to make some kind of effort or you are being rude.

If someone asks you a question about yourself, you ask one back. You can ask the same question - the other person has already done the work for you.

Many people have had to learn to do this - it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Failing to meet them halfway is rude.