What do you really think of people who are quiet?

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I am very quiet and have always received negative comments about it mainly from family.
Awkward/ disinterested/ gormless are some of the "nicer" things that have been said to me.

What do people really think about quiet people? Do you really think that it's awkward if we end up sitting next to you at a wedding? Do you think we're being rude because we aren't speaking much?

I generally assume it's my fault because I'm being boring or because I'm not good at starting or carrying a conversation. I certainly never judge quiet people; I'm one myself and I know the pain and anger of being told since childhood that you're weird/antisocial/gormless, being shown up by someone in a roomful of people (adults) remarking on how quiet you are and everyone staring at you as if you're suddenly going to burst forth with sparkling repartee...

my cousin is very quiet, never has a conversation with anyone, yes and no answers. I do wonder why she even bothers going to family meet ups.

I was told I was quiet growing up etc. At work people say I only speak when I have something I want to share etc but I often have been complimented on it in the sense that some people in my team waffle to fill silence whereas I don't. I say what I have to say and that's that. I've also been described as very thoughtful and intelligent as part of the quieter side of me too.

Some people are just nobs. Now I'm an adult no one seems to see it as negative.

I think there's a big difference between being quiet and making no effort. I would hate to be stuck with someone at a wedding or event who couldn't muster up a few questions or keep a conversation going with someone they don't know. Unfortunately quietness can very easily come across as disinterested or rude.

They are lovely civilised people. But obviously being quiet is quite distinct from not making any conversation at all.

I wish someone had coached me in just faking interest, even if you’re not really. I suppose because I hate being fake, but unfortunately this is what seems to be expected.

Would it help to stop thinking about it as being ‘fake’ and instead being polite and kind?

It’s fairly awful to make it clear to someone that you have zero interest in them, even if it’s true. From their perspective, it can be hurtful and harm their confidence - particularly when they don’t find those situations easy and are making an effort themselves.

By asking them questions/contributing to the conversation, you are being kind and helpful and improving the experience of another person. That’s not being fake - unless you are not a kind person, and I didn’t read you as that from your post.

It's strange to me for some to think small talk is fake and doesn't matter. The whole point is you make small talk to get an idea of what things in common you have and go from there doing this leads to interesting conversations and since everyone has different lives, you can get some really interesting or funny stories back. How boring to stick to what you know and not take an interest in anyone else. Its very close minded to me.

I must say this thread has been a bit of an eye-opener for me too. Next time I am at a party trying to talk to someone who is very quiet, I will remember that they may be thinking I am fake and shallow and that they would rather be left alone and have no interest in other people, and go talk to people who want to chat and show interest in others.

But why do they g to social events if they don't want to be social

But why do they go to social events if they don't want to be social

Pressure from family/friends? Obligation or a sense of duty?

Hmmm to answer the original question i think they have low self confidence and haven’t tried to address it, which is a shame.
I think quiet people sometimes think society should just accept it as a personality trait- and that’s fine, but it will hold you back from certain things.

Over the years, I've been told at work that's I'm "a quiet person"

The funny thing is, with my close friends I'm really not at all!

Also, my family (mainly my parents) have told me to shut up on many occasions when I kept talking about some such topic or being generally noisy with what I was up to

At work, I felt quite judged when I was told this- and fought back saying I didn't think I was a quiet person

Sometimes I'm feeling tired so don't make as much chat as others or I'm really trying to concentrate on something so don't talk away

Often when I'm around seniors I do tend to be quieter than usual especially when I don't feel confident about the subject matter or I feel intimidated to speak up

I think sometimes in the past it's been assumed that I lack knowledge about a subject because I haven't been telling everyone exactly what I know

So for me, I feel like a not quiet person who has been labelled as quiet by a few work colleagues/seniors over the years

About 3 or 4 in total- maybe they were on to something??

I think it can be difficult if a quiet person is expecting the other person to keep the conversation flowing, but if they're happy to sit in silence that's fine. It's hard to imagine how someone would be enjoyable company, if they have nothing to say though.

I’m an introvert so finding myself with another reserved person can be a relief and quite restful. I think there are two kinds of quiet though. There are those who just don’t feel the need to fill every moment with chatter and you can enjoy a companionable silence with. And then there are some people who unfortunately just radiate anxiety, so that you can feel it in the air, and I’m afraid that they make me really uncomfortable. I become very aware that the onus is all on me and that the other person is desperately counting every second that nothing gets said and feeling worse and worse. And I feel very conscious then that I can pull my own weight but I don’t have enough chatter for two of us.

Give me quiet over loud any day. I really don't like being around loud people. My friend has a group of friends that are sometimes round at her house when I go. I turn into a really quiet person because I can't think of anything to say to any of them. I always wonder what they think of me, I fear they're all glad when I've gone.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline and Bowchika

Thank you! I don’t feel quite so bad now. Thoug I’ll still feel envious of the quiet peoples effortless poise (which is how it always looks to me).

And I make small Talk at Weddings and stuff because I AM genuinely interested in people. I really do want to hear what they have to say.

I don't think it's as black and white as quiet vs loud, although most of us know on which 'half' we fall.

More a kind of spectrum, so someone who is 'level 6' loudness will be perceived as loud by everyone 'level 5' or under, but quiet by everyone on levels above them.

I started off at the lowest end (could barely bring myself to say a word) and now more people than not consider me one of the 'loud' group (I still consider myself quiet! But then it is the loud ones I watch).

For me, its not a question of going to a social event and not engaging... I'm engaging at the level that's comfortable for me. At some points in my life that would mean engaging in one meaningful conversation for the night. Now I'm happy if I chat to 3 or 4, but start to tire after that.

If you spoke to me as the 5th person, you might find me tedious and hard work. But I'm not expecting you as a loud person to pull all the weight, because I no longer have the same goal as you. You think I still want to talk (otherwise why am I there?) whereas I need a breather and then will probably talk some more.

I think its more misunderstanding and intolerance of each other, and not recognising that we are all pursuing slightly different agendas (non-stop lively conversation is not everyone's goal!). I don't think either side is better or worse.

Oh, and as per a previous poster's question. As someone who considers themselves still in the 'quiet' group. When I'm worn out, I'm quite happy to be left alone to think and watch, or equally to share companiable silence with someone. But usually that has be an introvert, as extraverts are quite obviously uncomfortable when they do this, which then makes me feel obliged to engage in conversation I'd really rather not, just to make them more comfortable.
Better to retreat to your own 'tribe' in these cases I think.

People are focussing in the extreme ends if the scale a bit too much. People that really don’t speak at all and actually loud people that dominate totally are both quite rare most of us are along the scale somewhere.

I have an extremely quiet colleague at work yet she can lecture to 200 people at the drop of a hat. I always just think she’s considered ( in her response). I see it as a positive trait actually that she doesn’t just feel the need to talk all the time.

Boring would be the only word that comes to mind.

If you find quiet people boring, Boomsk, maybe that's your problem not theirs.

I'm an ultimate extrovert but I hope and think that I don't rattle on nonstop. Other people are what energise me, and I don't really believe any talk is small talk tbh. If I can engage a quiet person and find something that interests them to talk about, then fantastic. But if I'm getting nothing back I end up assuming they are judging me as a witless bore, and it's miserable and I end up at home lying awake judging myself.