So, I thought I should add another update as there's been alot of changes since I last posted...
DH and I agreed to have a "break", after I eventually had a huge break down and told him I couldn't continue to ignore how I felt. He was understandably upset, but agreed it was for the best. It's been difficult as due to where we live, not near any family etc, and his work commute, we're still living under the same roof, and it's hard to remember sometimes that we're trying to live separately, while still living together. It seems weird and awkward, and obviously not a long term solution, but right now it works logistically and for the kids, they don't know anything changed, and until we have a proper plan in place, that's for the best. Although it is a constant reminder of how guilty I feel about putting him through all of this. He's such a good man, and I hate that this is all "my fault". He still thinks this will all blow over, and I hate that the amicability we've sustained so far, is unlikely to last. I cannot blame him for that though. It's tough, and probably only going to get worse.
And then... I finally spoke to her, and told her how I feel... And did not get the response I was expecting...
She told me that she's always been straight, and has never had any sort of lesbian relationship before. But she did have strong feelings towards me that she couldn't explain. She told me she knows she's overstepped the mark with how close we've got, and that she was going to have to back off, as her job would be in jeopardy if anything happened, and she didn't want to be the reason me and dh split up. We agreed to cut contact (apart from obviously school run), due to the risk of her job. This was all via phone messenger, so was hard to really gauge how she was feeling. She kept saying she was sorry, and was really confused. I was devastated to be honest, and was convinced that she felt sorry for me, so told me she felt the same out of kindness. I felt sick at the thought of seeing her at school, but instantly when we saw eachother again, instead of feeling embarrassed or awkward, I just felt relieved and happy to see her, and she smiled so genuinely, I knew she felt the same. Two weeks ago, she messaged and asked if we could talk. I went to see her at her house, and this was the first time we'd discussed our feelings face to face. We both cried, alot, we both admitted how confused we felt, and then we ended up kissing. It was really surreal, and instantly clarified my feelings to what I've been uncertain and confused about over the past almost 2 years. We've met up a few times since, and we've both became alot more confident in discussing how we feel about eachother and the situation as a whole, although this usually leads to us both trying to fight off being too intimate with eachother. Saturday night, things went too far, and we had to stop ourselves as we've both agreed not to rush into anything right now, as much as we want it. I'm really nervous about what the future holds, and how things are going to go with separating officially with dh, as I said, I don't think he even accepts this is happening. I've been completely transparent with him, told him I was meeting with her, and told him that we both feel the same, and that we kissed etc, without going into too much detail, as I don't think that's necessary, and he just tells me to let me know when I've realised how "crazy" this all is, and we'll see if we can work things out. DD finishes school next week, so that will probably be a major turning point in all of this. So this is where we're at.
Sorry for the rambling long post. I just needed to put it all down on "paper". I still feel like I'm in some sort of surreal dream, as this doesn't feel like my life, and how my life was meant to be playing out. All I know is that I couldn't surpress my feelings any longer, and gradually I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders, the more honest I can be about who I am, and what I feel.