In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

• co-worker

I think Lizzie48 says it well. I hope you are able to search and find the right decision to make. I say follow your heart but with some caution. If you decide you want to follow this new path, I wish you luck and hope you find happiness x

Can you find out more about her - is she single, would be a huge question. Maybe finding out more about her will help you deal with the crush

This

You mention that you both use Facebook Messenger... so are you friends on FB? If not, given that you use it for messages, you could send her a friend request and surely that would let you know something of her lifestyle. You mention she has a 20 something son... of course that might be from a lesbian relationship, or it might not. Or she may still be with his father / other mother!

I'm really not advocating this as a way to feed your addiction, but as a way of perhaps seeing something of the reality of the situation.

I agree with others that counselling is probably the best way forward for you here before doing anything. How would you feel about identifiying as a lesbian in general with her out of the equation?

Good for you OP. I think you’re getting a very hard time here. Be honest with yourself and those around you x

Why are you face book messaging each other, and text messaging when she's your child's teacher?
I've two school age children, that's not normal or appropriate behaviour, it's blurring the boundaries professionally.
In fact, the social media policy is that teachers can't friend pupils parents, probably for reasons like this!

I always think anyone who says "just a crush" has never had a proper crush! To me a crush means where you're really attracted to someone ... it could lead to a new relationship, or not.

Those feelings can be so intense, like you can't imagine going through life and never being with that person.

My advice would be to let yourself enjoy the fantasy for a while, in your head, and not feel guilty about it. Your feelings are real, you're really intensely attracted to this person and you have a mutual connection / spark. However that doesn't mean you have to act on it. But don't feel guilty about imagining it.

I generally find that these fantasies eventually end up with me imagining what would actually happen to my life, my DP and my DC, which is never good obviously. Gradually I find this makes the idea less appealing.

I've had a couple of really intense crushes in my life, which I reckon could have turned into something if the timing had been right. However, it wasn't, and I now very rarely think about them.

My advice would be: don't feel guilty and don't forbid your fantasies. But, don't act on them too hastily either.

Hope you're okay OP x

You've gone from not thinking she feels the same to being 100% sure the feelings are reciprocated, and from being a confused heterosexual who has never been attracted to another female in any way, to being sure you're a lesbian.

I don't doubt that what you're feeling is very real for you, but you're running away with yourself very quickly. Do you even know whether this woman is single or even gay/bisexual?

@Tumbletee I know I'm late to the thread but I'm actually having a fairly similar experience to you at the mo. I'm early 30s and in a long term relationship with the father of my child (although unlike you, my relationship isn't a very happy one) but for the first time in my life I have feelings for another woman (also my child's preschool teacher) but again unlike you, I haven't had a huge amount of interaction with her and she's so friendly and kind to everyone, not just me.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one having these confusing feelings at this age. Good luck with everything.

OP don't feel ashamed for how you feel, some emotions towards others we can't control,sometimes the more we try control them the more they grow. You're human and you're entitled to fancy/fall in love with someone else whilst married. It's not ideal no, and it definitely isnt the best thing that could happen, but don't beat your self up about it. You've not acted on anything or started an affair, you're just experiencing feelings that you've tried to ignore by the sounds of it.

I thought I'd update to those who supported me with this. I spoke to dh. Told him how I was feeling, not happy with marriage, and that I have feelings for someone else. He obviously pressed to find out who, and convinced himself it was my (male) boss at work. When I told him it was dds teacher, he seemed shocked, and kept asking if it was a joke. He's convinced we've just hit a rough patch and we need to work through things. He blames himself and says it's because he's been so busy at work, he's not been giving me enough attention. I've told him it's not his fault, but I think he's convinced I've just made it all up to scare him into paying me more attention. He's actually said that it's not a "threat" and he'd have been devastated if I'd have said it was a man. It's like the fact it's a woman, just makes it not real to him. He has just been trying to be extra affectionate and thoughtful, but hasn't asked anymore questions about what I told him. It's really weird. It's like he's trying to invalidate my feelings by making out it's something he can "fix"/sweep under the carpet. I told him I think I'm a lesbian, and he basically ignored me. I haven't mentioned it again, as it was pretty embarrassing telling him and ended up just feeling really stupid. I really thought it would be a weight of mind finally telling him, but instead, it's just made me feel frustrated that he won't take it seriously. I still feel exactly the same about her, and this week, we had a very close moment. She asked me to stay to look through a progress report at pick up, before we knew it everyone else had gone, DD was making cards at the other end of the room, we were sat at a table, and ended up touching each others hands in what can only be described as a sensual way. I know everyone will say she's overstepped the mark etc, but our feelings are clearly mutual, I know she's feeling how I am, and it's impossible to ignore it. I really don't know what to do. I've been trying to work out the financial/logistical side of how things will work out being apart from dh. It's going to be a financial disaster to be honest, but I now know as much as I love dh, I'm not happy. And as I tried to remind him, if I'm not happy, he probably isn't deep down either. (Although he's adamant he is.) I feel awful, but I've tried so hard to ignore how I feel, and I can't. I genuinely don't think I'm heterosexual anymore, I don't want to be intimate with any man again, it actually makes me feel really uneasy at the thought of it, and as dh has been trying to be more "attentive" it's made matters worse. Every man I've ever found attractive, suddenly seems really unappealing. I wish I could ignore this, but I have for too long, and I don't want to feel like I'm living half a life any longer. I know realistically, things probably aren't going to work out with her, even if we do end up admitting our feelings and doing something about it. But I do need to work out what is going on in my head, and I want dh to be happy too, I know he deserves someone who loves him 100%. I feel sick typing all this.

Hi OP this "It's like he's trying to invalidate my feelings by making out it's something he can "fix"/sweep under the carpet. I told him I think I'm a lesbian, and he basically ignored me. I haven't mentioned it again, as it was pretty embarrassing telling him and ended up just feeling really stupid" made me so sad for you, but I think you've been incredibly brave in being honest with your husband and with yourself. Well done, don't let anyone belittle your feelings. Only you know how you feel, and you deserve better, you deserve to be happy. I wish I had your strength!

I feel for you OP - this must all be incredibly confusing but FWIW you certainly aren’t the first person to be going through something like this, so you’re not alone My advice would be to put aside thoughts of the teacher for now while you try and figure this out with the help of some therapy, either with DH or alone. It sounds like you have a lot to work through but you’ve taken a really brave step in admitting it all. Wishing you luck x

I feel for you OP. I have been going through similar feelings lately (but with another man). But what you said about wondering if you ‘settled’ with your husband felt very similar to me.

My husband is the most wonderful man, works so hard, does everything he can for me and the kids, we want for nothing. But I too never had that initial spark that you described (that I had experienced with other men). We were great friends, got on so well, so marrying him seemed like a good choice. I think i’ve been feeling a bit bored lately.

I met a man a couple of months ago who is completely ‘inappropriate’, but there was so much chemistry between us. We got into too much messaging (on FB messenger!). I tried to end it several times, but i always ended up getting back in touch. I think I liked the attention and romance and compliments from him, but when push came to shove I couldn’t bring myself to physically cheat on my husband (though I know I did emotionally.) I think I’ve finally realised how stupid I have been and we have not been in touch for a few weeks. It’s getting easier. I have too much to lose for something I’m already starting to cringe about. I love my husband and family too much to risk losing over someone who I just felt chemistry with.

It’s a different situation to yours, but I understand how these feelings can take over your whole life and make you willing to risk everything.

Your post has helped me, so thank you.

Wishing you the best of luck whatever you decide xxx

I have been wondering how you were getting on, but figured you’d post if you wanted to discuss it further. It’s good to get your update.

I think your DH’s attitude is pretty much how most men would respond (well, those slightly above the Neanderthal level who would ask stupid sexual questions such as ‘could we try a threesome then?’).

Denial of the facts and so sure it’s something they can fix. A human need to hold tight to someone we love.

I’m sorry he’s making you feel worse.

As I said to you before, I think you need to treat the two things separately. Separate from your DH, then move forward with your life. Whether DD’s teacher is a part of that or not. You can’t carry on as you are, you’re not happy.

It’s going to be difficult, but you need to do it. Not waste years of your future living a lie. 🌷

My husband said a very similar thing when I told him about my feelings for another woman - he actually said it was okay because it wasn't a threat. It turned out to be the biggest threat imaginable.
Anyway OP hope everything is okay - it's an incredibly hard thing to go through on many levels but you are being honest about your feelings.

Hi OP sorry, just realised you had posted again. Have been wondering how you are. I have such admiration for you for being honest with DH and being true to your feelings. It is such a brave thing to do. I think you are amazing. I think DH must be in denial that anything is really going to happen. He can't imagine that you would actually go ahead and leave him for another woman. If you are so unhappy and are certain this is not the life for you, then you should think about changing your life. Perhaps a first step could be some counselling or marital counselling. If something was to happen between you and the teacher, there is no reason why it shouldn't work. She may have to consider what to do to protect her teaching career as getting involved with a married parent will be frowned upon. Good luck with everythihg. Keep us posted

Well done for being honest. I think your DH is just trying to protect himself and his feeling really, as well as struggling to believe it, as it must have come out of nowhere for him. He’s trying his best to be understanding.

I can’t help feeling a little bit excited for you that she clearly feels the same though! Good luck

Hi OP, not been on MN for a few weeks so just caught up.

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting somewhere with how everyone feels, and getting a clearer picture of what the future holds. Wishing you lots of luck

Hi OP
Glad the thread was revived as I hadn't seen it before. It would be great to get an update on how you are doing.

I admire you a lot for being open with your husband - that must have been really scary and is a sign of your integrity. Try not to be too disappointed by his reaction. Remember you have had over a year to get your head around how serious this is - even at the start of this thread you were discounting your own feelings and thinking it crazy - you have been through a huge journey with hundreds of hours of thinking time to process. It is very understandable that your husband is not fully absorbing what you are saying. It is to his credit that he remained gentle and caring and open to him working to make things better.

I am also not surprised that he is less concerned/ threatened than if it had been a man. While women are often horrified at the thought that their man might be gay (and perhaps would see a gay affair as even more upsetting than a straight one), men often see women's emotional connections as deeply separAte to what they offer as men, and not threatening. Of course they also sometimes find the sexual side a positive turn on!

In fact, one option that has not been raised I think, is that your husband could potentially agree to open the marriage and allow you to explore your feelings for this woman. While this is certainly dangerous territory, it has the advantage of being open and honest, and avoids the absolutes of tearing your life apart by leaving or by never exploring what you are feeling. While sometimes this can be a stage - either to leaving or recommitting, it is also more common than you may think and can be a long term happy solution if managed well, and you truly want and appreciate both partners. If your husband, after he has got through the denial stage, is intrinsically unthreatened by your bond with a woman, then this may be a possibility for you,

Go out for a drink with her and get to know her so that you can be certain what your feelings are towards her. I am hoping this has a happy ending!

Wow. Have just rtft and I agree with those who say it’s more about the sexual feelings for a woman than the crush. My dh would prob react the same as the OP’s and minimise it but I think it’s ‘worse’ than fancying a man as you’ve got new feelings to explore. Not sure I would’ve told my dh, I would have cut the contact etc and hoped it’d all go away (I’ve seen what divorce does to families and things would have to reach crusts point for that to happen to me).
Would be good to get an update though, I hope it’s worked out for the best for all parties.

OP I feel for you so much. I was living with my DP when I fell head over heels in love with my lesbian friend (who I'd known for years and never had feelings for before). I had never had feelings for a girl, in fact I was boy mad when I was younger!

When I fell for her it took over my whole world, I couldn't eat, I dropped about 2 dress sizes in a matter of weeks, I couldn't sleep without dreaming about her, my phone was permanently attached to may hand.

I knew I had to break up with my DP before I acted upon my feelings, as I knew I wasn't truly happy with him (although he was a dick unlike your husband). Once I was single and able to act on it I felt so much better. I too also thought I couldn't be gay as I only had eyes for her, but that's how everyone feels when they fall in love.

I was lucky that we had no kids and lived in a rented home so it was pretty easy to part ways. I'm sorry I have no advice for you but I just want you to know I totally understand how you feel and I think you are so brave for speaking to your husband about it.

You've spoken to him once, so you can do it again. Tell him you didn't like how your feelings were brushed aside and you'd like to discuss it again but come to some answers this time.

I think it can be normal to have a little crush, as long as you don’t act on it and try to sort your feelings out. Meaning that it’s okay as long as you don’t let it take over and make you crazy (thinking of person all the time or doing silly things). I once felt attracted to a parent of one of dd friends. Something about him, not sure what! Only see him a couple times a year though so it’s all good lol and I would never act on it.

I think it's a stretch to say you're in love. You spend so little time together, and it's work for her, not social. You've rushed way ahead in your mind.