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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with female teacher...

320 replies

Tumbletee · 30/04/2019 23:32

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbletee · 07/05/2019 21:15

I'm not having weekly meetings with her, we just chat when I go to drop off/pick up DD, and talk via Facebook messenger. Although I do have a meeting this week with her, as everyone has one on one meetings bi-termly.
And yes I do have sexual thoughts about her, and want to be intimate with her 😳. Obviously I won't, but I can't stop the thoughts.
I'm going to try and get some therapy, I feel immensely guilty about how I feel, even though I know I can't control it. I'm not some, anxious or nervous parent that she's concerned about, I know it's not that. There's 100% mutual feelings to some extent. I can't say everything as it may be too outing, but for example, we were talking the week before last at pick up and she was saying that DD is so confident, kind, happy etc and it's down to me being such an amazing mum. I laughed and said I can't take credit for how she is, and she grabbed my hand and said something along the lines of "I mean it. You really are amazing" and there was this connection there, while we store, physically touching. We were round the side of the L shaped room, so no one else would have seen. But I know she feels something for me. Obviously I can't say if it's exactly how I feel about her, but it's not nothing. Maybe I'm just not as happily married as I thought I was. I feel like shit about everything right now, I hate how horrible I must seem, and I hate the thought of what this could do to our family if I admitted it all, but despite all that, I can't wish I didn't feel like this as something about it feels so right. Like suddenly a light has been switched on...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbletee · 07/05/2019 21:17

Im pretty convinced now, I'm a lesbian and I've only just realised... At the age of 35. Wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbletee · 07/05/2019 21:29

And the poster who mentioned OCD, yes I do have some OCD tendancies (I'm sure most people do!) But only with like cleaning and keeping certain things organised. Although you wouldn't think so if you saw the inside of my car... I've looked up limerance, and it does sound how I feel, but I just can't believe this is all in my head. It's not. It's like all the feelings I had when meeting boyfriends for the first time, first few dates back when I was younger. And thinking about that has made me realise, I never really had these sorts of feelings and emotions with dh when we first met. We just got on really well, became good friends and sort of decided a relationship would work. We had similar interests, both wanted the same things, to settle down, buy a house, have kids etc so it seemed like a good idea. I do really love him, he's literally one of a kind. Such a great partner and dad to our DCs, but it's making me think maybe I settled down before I should have... Maybe you can't just bodge a relationship on the basis you get on well, maybe you do need that initial "spark", which in all honesty I'm not sure we had.

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 07/05/2019 21:43

I guess it would be unlikely she would make a move on you as she would risk throwing her career away. She would probably have to be careful about getting involved with you as that too would compromise any professionalism so could risk her career. If she was to feel anything for you, is no wonder she has not tried anything on!

GirlsBlouse17 · 07/05/2019 22:04

Also you telling your husband might put her in a difficult position if he informs the school out of anger or something

bobstersmum · 07/05/2019 22:13

If these moments happen as you say, then she is very unprofessional. However my sons teacher has told me she admires me, and has also hugged me on different occasions, she does not fancy me! I think you may have gotten really carried away with this infatuation, she might be horrified if she knew, be careful.

Original poster
Tumbletee · 07/05/2019 23:19

I'm going to delete thread now. Reading back what I've said, it's quite outing and I'm not getting support anymore, just judgement. And the same points raised over and over. Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me advice and write about their own experiences. It's made it easier to decide how to go forward with all of this.

OP posts:
emotionalaffair · 08/05/2019 00:05

Totally cringing for you OP. I hope you come to your senses before you Dick up not only your own life but that of your DH, DC and the teacher.

If you are a lesbian then there’s no need to rush. Leave it a year before making any rash decisions.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/05/2019 08:00

I think you need to separate from your DH either way. You both deserve more from a relationship than this. He might not think so now, but he’ll understand when he meets someone besotted by him.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/05/2019 08:05

Cringing?

How ridiculous.

It’s not exactly unheard of for people in their 30’s & older to realise that the life they’ve been living is the one they were expected to, not the one they’d have lived had they have had different experiences or expectations.

We have pretty much all ‘fallen’ for someone and landed hard...you wouldn’t be saying it was ‘cringe’ if it was a bloke.

There’s no need to be so nasty.

Whether the OP is genuine or not, someone reading this will be in a very similar situation and wondering what that hell to do about it.

GirlsBlouse17 · 08/05/2019 08:44

Am sorry if you have felt my comments have been unsupportive OP. I think all I've said really is to be careful and not rush into any quick decision about anything and to be sure that the feelings you have are ones that want to embrace a lesbian relationship with everything that encompasses. If you feel this is what you want now then for your own future happiness and fulfilment , you should go for it. It is likely to turn your life upside down and that of your family so be sure you want this. I think it is a brave thing to do if you do this and wish you lots of luck with it all x

irregularegular · 08/05/2019 09:36

Thank you for replying slippermaiden . We can love more than one person, I'm sure of that. And it's unfortunate when some people insist that everything in relationships is black and white.

Good luck in finding a way through this OP.

bluebell34567 · 08/05/2019 09:43

i think it is best not to marry someone when there is no spark.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/05/2019 10:01

@TumbleTee you owe it to your husband and daughter to make sure this isn't an obsession or a distraction before you throw a grenade into their lives. There will be no going back once you've done this, so...

Block her on Facebook Messenger, or disable the whole thing. Avoid her at pick-ups. No messages, no sneaky chats, no contact at all. Be absolutely strict about this. Give yourself a few weeks. Don't ponder this all the time, stop letting her overtake your thoughts. Treat this like you would if you had developed strong feelings for a man who caught your eye sometimes in the playground, or someone you chat to in the pub.

If this is 'real', if it's a missing part of you, it'll still be there in two months and you can say you gave it your best shot. If it's an obsession, you'll either not be able to cut off contact at all - which suggests you've already made your choice here and nothing anybody tells you, however wise, will help - sometimes people just have to run through the fire themselves. Or, you'll feel a lot better in two months and hopefully have a clearer mind to see what is 'missing'.

I suspect you've seen a lot of what you want to be in her, and combined with the secrecy and forbidden nature that you've created in your head, you've made a limerance-style obsession. It's naughty now, and you so want it to be true, to be different. You're bored.

If you could trust yourself not to let your mind run away, not to risk breaking up your family, this would be a pretty harmless flirtation that you have... and maybe not even that, she sounds friendly to me, but not that she's come onto you or been suggestive at all, in any way. I tell people they are amazing all the time, I don't fancy them! But you've built this up to such an extent that you're not safe with it anymore.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/05/2019 10:19

Personally I think it’s irrelevant whether the teacher feels anything or not. ThIs really isn’t about her. It’s about the OP discovering that she’s quite probably ‘settled’ for her DH & that had she not followed the traditional path of ‘girl meets boy, gets married, has babies’ that we grew up with being the expectation that she might have realised that she’s actually gay/bi and that’s ok. It’s about HER, not whether she has a relationship with the teacher or not.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/05/2019 10:36

Don't delete OP. People will always judge about stuff like this but there are a lot on here who are being supportive.
When you said about a light being switched on that's what happened to me - it was like a door had opened into another world that I was meant to be a part of. And I was older than you - I was 42. It's happened to many woman I know - it's really not that uncommon.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 08/05/2019 10:47

I think you sound utterly bonkers. Harsh, maybe but these 9 pages of comments deteriorated fast. Times in my life when I've spoken like you ate I have been on a one way ride to fucking my life up big time. Can't believe you'd throw your life away without even seeing a counselor. I don't even have any advice to add, it's all up thread, best of luck. Hope you dont wreck that teachers career, or your happy daughters confidence when your marriage implodes, or deeply regret having every second Christmas alone.

Hopeygoflightly · 08/05/2019 11:49

Tumbletee - don’t go beating yourself up. There are soooo many later in life lesbians that I know, who for different reasons haven’t come out till their 30s or later.
There are lots of websites and support grips around you know. Go and check out autostraddle and read some articles there and you’ll find lots of people who have experiences similar to yours.

Hopeygoflightly · 08/05/2019 11:51

Gosh some of these comments! Don’t worry OP, you won’t die alone with everyone hating you! Your on a site where the majority of people are heterosexual and have no experience if the feeling a that you’re having and can’t understand why you might be willing to give up ‘normal’ for something else.

Confusedbeetle · 08/05/2019 11:53

This sort of crush can be a symptom of depression

Lilac3 · 08/05/2019 11:56

Gosh OP, your last post sounds like you're considering doing something about it Shock

Lizzie48 · 08/05/2019 12:15

I think there are two separate issues here. I would be very careful where this teacher is concerned, as you don’t know her at all and you could end your marriage only to find that she isn’t at all the woman you thought she was.

The most immediate question is, do you want to stay married to your DH? If you do, then you’ll need to nip this fantasy in the bud, the way you would if it was another man you were fantasising about.

If you decide that you don’t want to stay married to your DH and want to explore this part of yourself that you’ve discovered, then you will be in a better place to do this when single, ideally with the help of a therapist who understands LGBTQ issues. As some people on here have said, it’s certainly possible to discover that you’re attracted to the same sex when in your thirties/forties.

But I don’t think you should make any life-changing decisions on what could still turn out to be either a one-sided crush or a flash in the pan. Apart from anything else, you could cause all manner of complications to what is clearly a good working relationship with your DD’s key worker.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 13:11

From what you've said, she could just be a very warm, earnest, touchy feely, enthusiastic type - who perhaps feels for some reason that's you're too modest/self critical etc.

I'd be careful.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 13:19

It would help to observe her with other people and see if her manner is the same.
Though I suppose,even if it isn't - some people interact differently with various people, depending on lots of things.

Even if you're not projecting your feelings onto her and she were to have some feelings .. she's on a sticky wicket bigtime with her position in the school. She can't declare or even imply feelings without endangering her job, reputation etc. And if you do, you could end up making a fool of yourself, fkng up your children's school situation .. and that's not even getting into the infidelity, marriage, family issue!

Can you find out more about her - is she single, would be a huge question. Maybe finding out more about her will help you deal with the crush.

I had a crush on a copy worker once - woke up and fell asleep thinking about him - interestingly getting to know him through work and outside events related to work over a reasonable period of time completely ended the crush.

You don't know her - really important to remember that.