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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
jay55 · 30/04/2019 16:32

You didn't have to have sex.
You could have used non-latex condoms.
You need to get a dna test and if it is your child you have to pay.

ViolentGin · 30/04/2019 16:32

You were very naive not to use condoms and just taking her word for it, rather than looking into latex-free condoms.

Ultimately you made a mistake and the pregnancy was a natural consequence of that. It is not the child's fault that its parents were a bit slapdash about contraception (and you need to take some responsibility for that). Nobody has forced you into anything that you weren't aware could happen.

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 16:32

So let’s be clear, you have a child who you pay nothing for.

You didn’t need to have sex you know, she could have had a tummy bug and fallen pregnant from that.

Man up and pay for your child ffs.

FinallyMrsE · 30/04/2019 16:33

I agree with you completely, I think if you could prove all you say you SHOULD be allowed to contest child support, I know it’s controversial but it’s not fair on men in the circumstances you describe.

Unfortunately my opinion counts for nothing and the law states that as the father you have to provide for the child (and it’s not the child’s fault they have been brought into the world under this cloud)

TheStakeIsNotThePower · 30/04/2019 16:33

Well no contraception is 100% even if it was being used. Pregnancy is a possible side effect of sex. If you have sex you must be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Oh and take responsibility. If she's allergic to latex use non latex ones or do you enjoy playing Russian roulette with venereal disease?

dementedpixie · 30/04/2019 16:33

Have you done a DNA test? At the end of the day it may be your child, can you really turn your back on them if it is?

TheZeppo · 30/04/2019 16:33

Well yes, but that ‘something’ is now a ‘someone’ and you really needn’t take it out on them!

araiwa · 30/04/2019 16:34

you have a child who you pay nothing for.

Does that apply to all rp?

BlackPrism · 30/04/2019 16:37

Well you're an idiot... allergic to condoms, on the pill but you didn't ask to see a packet or prescription... even then, if she had a bad stomach or threw up drunk around when you had sex she could've accidentally fallen pregnant.

It's awful If she lied to you but you are an adult who knows that THAT IS THE RULE. Once a woman is impregnated it becomes her choice.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 16:37

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Hiddenaspie1973 · 30/04/2019 16:37

Use condoms from now on. Otherwise there'll be more.
My step bil had a ONS and she got pg. DNA proved the child was his.
Now, he's with my step sister and has 3 with her, but always paid for the other child.
That child's Mum is now pg with another man and is demanding that bil and ss have the child more often. The child is challenging and it's really upsetting the smaller kids.
Put a bag on it.

Houseonahill · 30/04/2019 16:39

It's a tough one, I agree with MrsE in theory but at the same time everyone know sex comes with a risk of pregnancy. If it's your child you should pay but I do feel for you in the circumstances

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 16:39

What she did isn’t nice however no contraception works 100% of the time.
Each time you have sex, with or without protection you are at risk of making a baby.

For instance my sister has a coil and her new(ish) partner had a vasectomy in 2012. She still managed to get pregnant and he is facing his responsibilities.

If you don’t want to make a baby, stick it in a condom, go without or stay at home with the company of your favourite sock.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 16:40

Also ‘I was tricked into it!’, like she enticed you into shagging her with the promise of cookies and a puppy. I can see why you don’t want kids, you don’t sound mature enough to be having sex, never mind being a parent.

furrytoebean · 30/04/2019 16:42

So you had sex with a woman without a condom on, pregnancy was always going to be a risk Hmm
That’s how babies are made.

If you 100% didn’t want a baby you should have worn a non latex condom or not had sex.

This is a child that is half you, just as much your child as your 3 year old. Does this child deserve to grow up being rejected by their father just because he doesn’t seem to be aware how babies are made.

Yeah she sounds like a dick but that’s not your babies fault.

And it’s not ‘enforced parenthood’, you had unprotected sex, she got pregnant. No one forced you.

Sparklesocks · 30/04/2019 16:43

Regardless of the circumstances of the child’s conception - the baby is here now, and you are responsible for maintenance. It’s not the baby’s fault it was born, you don’t get to opt out of parental responsibility because of circumstance.

Pootles34 · 30/04/2019 16:43

I agree she shouldn't have said she was on the pill. But. Even if she was, you know that the pill isn't 100%, surely? Accidents happen. Why should we have to bear the full cost and responsibility, just by virtue of our biology? More to the point, why should that poor child grow up without a father and without financial support? Surely even if you think she's a bitch, the child deserves more?

MarvelandDC · 30/04/2019 16:44

Are you stupid? If this is even real. You had unprotected sex with a woman who by your own admission you hardly knew and didn't want a serious relationship with.

It's hardly the child's fault that it's parents were irresponsible fools.

There are enough unplanned pregnancy's for men to know that they need to use condoms if they don't want to risk a pregnancy.

53rdWay · 30/04/2019 16:44

In future, how are you going to explain to your 3-year-old that they have a sibling somewhere but Daddy “wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future“?

What she did was shitty but it’s not the child’s fault.

TixieLix · 30/04/2019 16:45

If this happened as you say it did then the girl was wrong to deceive you into becoming a father. Very wrong!

But (and there's always a 'but' isn't there) you didn't have to have sex with this woman. You could have walked away and said the risk was too great, or you could have looked into latex free condoms. As others have said, even the pill is not 100% safe, so there was always a small chance pregnancy could have occurred.

There's nothing to force you to be a part of this child's life, but if you are the father (and I'd second the suggestions about getting a DNA test first) then you are financially responsible for him/her.

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2019 16:45

You’re not being forced into “parenthood”. You’re being forced to take financial responsibility for having sex resulting in pregnancy.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:46

I completely accept my naivety. I struggle with this being forced upon me, I was manipulated into something I was clear I had no interest in. So to be made responsible doesn’t fee equal to me.
The something would never had been a someone if that person was upfront in the first place.
I will be honest, I don’t think in these circumstances I should have to pay. The mother made choices seeking this outcome. If Ireland can go pro choice why as a man do I have no say, I completely agree that a man should never tell a women what to do with her body, but the future upkeep and responsibility I don’t feel is fair in these circumstances to attribute to me?!
I made reference to my son to show that I don’t fit the mold of a typical flaky father. I literally had to fight to have joint custody and I would do absolutely anything for him.

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 30/04/2019 16:47

If you have (Heterosexual) sex there is always a chance of pregnancy. She is a terrible person for tricking you, but imo if you have a sexual relationship you have to be prepared for the fact that it might result in a baby, and take responsibility for it.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 30/04/2019 16:47

Gosh harsh responses on here to the OP.

I think what she did was pretty despicable if it is as you describe. It shows a lack of basic human decency.

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2019 16:47

I will be honest, I don’t think in these circumstances I should have to pay.

Tough. You must have known the consequences of a pregnancy would be financial liability.