Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

"I don't want to be a father, so I'll just put my sperm in the one place where it can make a baby."

Yup, a woman doing the same thing as the OP would also get very short shrift. I don't think she'd have the cheerleading chorus either telling her "you go girl!" if she hated her baby's father so much that she had decided to reject her child. I also don't think the whiny, manipulative "I'm a victim" thing would go down too well either..

MissB but you did have a choice whether to continue the pregnancy which the OP didn’t.

Decomposing I don’t understand either.

MissB but you did have a choice whether to continue the pregnancy which the OP didn’t.

Her choice ends when the genetic material she has contributed leaves her baby. EXACTLY the same choice the OP has.

It's also a much harder choice for many women that "to ejaculate or not to ejaculate".

Her choice ends when the genetic material she has contributed leaves her BODY

I can honestly say that when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant that an abortion didn't even cross my mind. It was only when my ex said I was selfish for having the baby that I realised he'd wanted me to have an abortion. My thoughts were, despite being 38, "oh shit what am I going to say to my mum?!" 😂 I'd split with the dad a week earlier. At that point I didn't know if he would want any part in the child's life. I informed him by letter (LDR) and got no response so I had to chase up with a phone call. He was unimpressed to say the least. Over the course of my pregnancy I asked several times if he wanted to be involved but all he kept saying was "I don't know." This was a man in his 40s with 2 other children. Ds is now 4 and he's seen him once when he was one. He has no interest whatsoever.
How many women out there have had unplanned babies but the father has stepped up even though they didn't want kids to start with? Thousands I'd bet. My point being that I think most women hope that should an unplanned pregnancy occur, that the dad will step up and be a dad, even if only once a fortnight or whatever. Not many would purposely get pregnant to raise a child alone with no involvement whatsoever. Unless they seek a sperm donor. Ate they bad mothers too for subjecting their child to a life without a father even though the child was very much wanted? My ds was very much wanted by me. Just not by his dad. But he dad refused to use condoms. I took that risk knowing I'd probably be raising any child alone but with the hope that he'd have some contact. Not even a card at birthdays or Christmas. He took the risk of pregnancy knowing the pill was not suiting me and expected me to deal with any consequences whilst turning his sons, and the rest of the family against me. No one purposely plans that.

Her choice ends when the genetic material she has contributed leaves her BODY

Eh? She had a legal choice and he didn’t. That’s a fact, whether or not she opted to exercise it. I agree it’s a hard choice but it is one!

I don’t think he should have the same choice as a man, I am just stating fact.

Not many would purposely get pregnant to raise a child alone with no involvement whatsoever.

You are probably right. They hope that a baby will make the man change his mind and commit to the relationship.

That's wrong. Both parties are wrong. The woman for chancing a pregnancy with an ambivalent partner and the man for not preventing the pregnancy that they don't want.

Both are responsible for the effects on any resultant children.

Assuming OP won't be back but I'm having my say anyway lol.

If I met a man who refused to see his own child I wouldn't give him a second look. I don't care the circumstances surrounding it or the fact he's a 'great Dad' to another child. That somehow makes it worse because this child will not only know his Dad didn't want her, but that he did want her sibling. Way to ruin an innocent child's self esteem.

The lady has behaved appallingly, doesn't mean the OP has to. And I'll tell you something, if I found out my Dad had a child he refused to acknowledge while bringing me up I would lose all respect for him. A good Dad is a good Dad to all his children no matter how they were conceived.

Having another child doesn't make you miss out on the one you have or else no one would have more than 1! They spend time together and have a relationship.

Both 'parents' in this scenario are wrong. The child is not. This isn't an incapable father, it's a father who thinks he can pick and choose who he loves with no thought for the damage he may cause.

I doometimes feel.itvthe male biological to fertilise as many females as possible and the femail biological imperative to bring up said offspring. Sexist i know.

Not all kids suffer for not having a dad in their lives. Some kids suffer for having a useless dad in their lives.

I agree malificent7 My ds is better off without his waste of space father in his life. I'd finally realised what a miserable, unhealthy, multi-addicted (tobacco, gaming, energy drinks) sponger he was about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant. He was sooo negative about everything. Ds doesn't need a joy Hoover in his life. He's got 2 fantastic sisters, me, and his grandmother along with plenty of family friends who love him.

This men's rights bullshit that it's so unfair and unequal that women are the people who choose to continue their pregnancies or decide not to while a man has no right to have a say has got to stop. Women are the ones who get pregnant and carry children so they're the ones who must make that decision - deal with it.

Time to man up I’m afraid!

I know children are better without useless Dad's (I'm not saying any comments were directed at me but I've thought afterwards) but the OP apparently IS a good father to another child and so could be to this one, he's choosing not to be.

Anyone who doesn't look at their own flesh and blood with love doesn't deserve to father any children. If the son he adores turns into a nice young man he will absolutely have an issue with this. Wouldn't be surprised if they strike up a sibling relationship and tell their Dad to beat it.

Children are not better with a useless dad.

But the OP is not obligated to be a useless dad. He could be a perfectly good normal dad.

@justarandomtricycle I love that phrase "Captain of his penis" I hope I have the opportunity to use it in the future!!

Yes, you were mislead.

However, you have a child now. Once you have proven he/she is your via a DNA test, if you walk away you are a KING shit. How anyone can walk away from their own child is beyond my comprehension.

Many of us are dealt cards in life that we didn't ask for. How you react says everything about you, as a man and a human being.

You need to be in this child's life and facilitate contact between your children. When you are 6 feet under, it will be good to know that they have a sibling.

Motheroffeminists, I could have written your last post myself! (Sort of).

And I was 33 but also was embarrassed to tell my mum

I'm probably not going to say anything that hasn't been said before but I just feel strongly about this...
She was deceitful, she abused your trust. It was not nice of her but you should have tried to think a bit more with your brain rather than your cock. If both parties wish to avoid conceiving, then both parties must take responsibility but you liked riding bare back right?
Please be a father to your child, accepting responsibility for situations which don't personally suit you is part of being an adult.

No contraception is 100%, babies are a consequence of sex. You knew this. So think carefully the next time you want casual sex.

Don't lie to yourself. You are not a good man if you don't take responsibility for your baby.

Fully with itsnotmesothere

By far the most unpleasant idea on the thread is the one hinted at by OP, that men should be able to rely on women to use abortion as a form of contraception.

Being 'pro-choice' means being in favour of a woman choosing for herself, once she knows she's pregnant.

Women being told what choice to make in that circumstance, by men, is not choice, it is coercion.

Many women don't know exactly how they'd feel about being pregnant (at a particular time in their life), until they're pregnant. (Some do, some are surprised).

Contraception is about avoiding conception. It is a good idea, if you don't want a baby.

What she did wasn’t very nice and I do have an element of sympathy for you. But as lots of PPs have said that’s not your kids fault and it is your kid. You need to acknowledge it and pay for it. That’s just how it is.

I also came on here to say that I can’t believe so many women are so aghast at a man nor volunteering to wear a condom. I’ve had sex with my fair share- and probably yours too- and not a single man I’ve ever got in flagrante delicto with has ever suggested they put something on the end of it- it’s always been my instance that meant they did. Even my now husband- who is an eminently sensible man- was prepared to take my word for it that I was on the pill when we first started going out. Insane. If I was a man I would literally wear a condom at all times when interacting with a woman quite frankly, or at least I think I would. But I think the truth is women grow up in fear of pregnancy and men just don’t think about it really. It’s a social thing as much as anything else, I suspect: we expect women to do all the worrying about pregnancy.

Not all kids suffer for not having a dad in their lives. Some kids suffer for having a useless dad in their lives

Oh I totally agree with this. But the OP claims to be a good dad and really my advice was for him. I'm sure he will live to regret walking away from his child.

On principle one has to believe the OP, but I do find that in the world of men and their handmaidens, women trick men into getting them pregnant surprisingly frequently.

I think the OP knows exactly what to say and how to spin things to appeal to the 'poor menz' contingent on this thread. That's about the clearest thing on this thread.

The longer the thread goes on the more manipulative the OP seems tbh.

Regardless, no matter what lies a woman tells, a man ALWAYS has the choice to protect himself. When they don't, for usually purely selfish reasons, it's always gonna be someone elses fault.

A man who abandons a child is not someone I would EVER be with. Dress it up however you like but the OP was very very clear that he was never going to be a part of his childs life by his own choice.
But it's ok, he's a cool guy because he accepts responsibility for, and would do anything for, one of his kids. The one whose mother he does not feel bitterness towards. THat kid can have his love and attention. So deadbeat half the time. Whatevs.

• I think the OP knows exactly what to say and how to spin things to appeal to the 'poor menz' contingent on this thread. That's about the clearest thing on this thread.

The longer the thread goes on the more manipulative the OP seems tbh.*

Nail, head