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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
ltk · 30/04/2019 17:06

I don't understand how your choice has been removed? You had a choice to use condoms (latex free) or to not have sex with her if you felt the risk was too great. You chose to have unprotected sex. And this is the consequence of that choice.

formerbabe · 30/04/2019 17:06

Some things in life aren't fair.

Tough shit.

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 17:07

“The point of contraception, pro-choice and discussion is to establish responsibilities/boundaries and to control our futures surely? I feel like mine has been removed because of an inequality of choice”

Your choices were whether or not to have sex and whether or not to use a condom. You chose not to.

Abortion laws are there so that women who are pregnant can decide what to do, because it is our body, and solely our choice.

Not so men can decide to make women have abortions, or to avoid paying for or parenting their DC.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2019 17:07

"Man has no say but has to pay." - of course men have a say! It's just that men like this don't like when they have to have their say. They get to decide where they leave their sperm, and whether they take any precautions to avoid a pregnancy. Of course they don't get a say in what women decide to do with their own bodies, if a pregnancy results.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:07

AssassinatedBeauty

Brilliant post

kaytee87 · 30/04/2019 17:08

Oh and forced parenthood would be a woman being raped then denied an abortion. What's happened to you is not forced parenthood.

Sparklesocks · 30/04/2019 17:08

OP you can philosophise all you want but you aren’t going to convince anyone you shouldn’t pay for your kid. Posters aren’t going to go ‘yep you’re right, that baby can fuck right off’.

It’s unfair this woman told you one thing and it wasn’t the truth. But it doesn’t change the fact a child was conceived. The child didn’t ask to be here, but they need financial support. Everything else is irrelevant here.

LaurieMarlow · 30/04/2019 17:08

This reply has been deleted

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BelulahBlanca · 30/04/2019 17:09

My ex also wouldn’t fit the mould of the “typical flaky” father but he still is.

queerfam · 30/04/2019 17:09

I totally get why you feel upset. I’d say you’re feelings aren’t unreasonable, but expecting to be exempt from what is now your parental obligation is very unreasonable. It’s not fair, but you do have obligations towards your child.

You’re an adult, you may well have been lied to or tricked, which isn’t right, but you still chose to take her word for it and take risks you were entirely ably to understand. Your child, on the other hand, had no say in any of this, and shouldn’t be deprived of anything because of irresponsibility on the part of either/both of their parents.

(And don’t you think your older child may want to know their sibling?)

Iwantacookie · 30/04/2019 17:09

I get why your pissed off BUT you COULD of got latex free condoms. There must be a retailer around you that's open 24/7
But that's by the by that sexual encounter resulted in a pregnancy that the woman choose to keep.
You now have 2 options.

  1. Pay maintenance and do nothing else or
  2. Step up and be a man.
The choice is yours.
BurnedToast · 30/04/2019 17:10

If it happened as you said then I see why you think it's unfair. But no amount of complaining will change the facts. No contraceptive is 100% so you surely must always be considering the possibility of pregnancy and its down to the woman to decide if she wants the baby. Its up to you if you decide to step up and be a father, but at the very least you should pay.

And your point about helping women in the fire service is not relevant.

AuldJosey · 30/04/2019 17:10

Funnily enough - she's sort of forced into being responsible for the baby too.

BigFatLiar · 30/04/2019 17:10

If it was casual you should not have trusted her.

'Allergic to condoms and on the pill' should have been a red flag.

Sadly while it takes two to make a baby its solely the woman's choice to go ahead with the pregnancy and raise the child. 'Fraid you're stuck supporting a child you didn't want. Try making the best of it and be part of its life now its here, you don't need to be part of her life other than being the childs father.

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 17:11

It’s not enough just to pay for his DC: if he’s half decent he needs to parent his DC.

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 17:12

Doing otherwise would make him a shit father to BOTH his DC.

viques · 30/04/2019 17:12

i was manipulated into something

You chose to have sex. You chose not to use a condom.

If I chose to get into a car and chose not to wear a seatbelt and the car crashed I could not claim to have been manipulated into getting injured.

Lovetocycle · 30/04/2019 17:13

I think what op may be getting at is that if a woman gets pregnant, she has an option to terminate if she doesn't want to be a mother. What op is saying, is that he doesn't want to be a dad but he doesn't have the option to walk away without looking bad.

TheClitterati · 30/04/2019 17:14

Geeze, why would you put your future in the hands of a casual sexual partner you knew fuck all about?

swingofthings · 30/04/2019 17:14

@Honeydukes92, totally agree. Women have the right not to take responsibility for contraception knowing that there's the morning after pill and abortion and statistics show that many thousands of women find themselves having fell to take responsibility. That's OK though, it's her right.

A man who make the mistake to trust a woman that she too diesnt want to be a mother? He's an irresponsible fool. The double standards are shameful.

Sadly, yiy have indeed been have OP and it's now too late. This is tge durst lesson I have thought my son. Don't EVER trust a woman with contraception. Only stop using condoms at all time if you are prepared to become a dad. I've said the sane to my DD but she's lucky to have options to erase it all if she makes a mistake.

Onecutefox · 30/04/2019 17:14

Take DNA test. If it's your child, be the father. It's not his/her fault.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:14

What op is saying, is that he doesn't want to be a dad but he doesn't have the option to walk away without looking bad

Well that’s biology.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/04/2019 17:14

Honestly, you weren't naive you were stupid. You wanted sex more than you wanted to take responsibility for contraception.

justforthis7 · 30/04/2019 17:14

I do understand what you mean and I agree that it is unfair (though you were naive re: condoms). But this was the doing of your ex, not of this child, who is now going to grow up without a father. You clearly love your first child and are a good father, so could you not offer the same love to this second child, regardless of how they came to exist?

You already understand the joy that is to be gained by parenthood. You could allow yourself to have that all again, whilst also giving this child what they need and deserve.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:15

A man who make the mistake to trust a woman that she too diesnt want to be a mother? He's an irresponsible fool. The double standards are shameful

It isn’t a double standard. The OP chose to have sex without a condom. He had a choice, that was his choice. Now he has to deal with the consequences.