Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

Nail on head is correct Miss B
Manipulation at it's best

The OP thought he could utter the magic words "I don't want a baby" and that would prevent a baby from being born. Now he thinks that he can say "I don't want to be a father" and that magically absolves him from the responsibilities of fatherhood. Neither of those things are true, but the OP still believes in them.

He seems to have left this thread but I'd still like an answer to the question is he paying maintenance for his first child (possibly not).

This thread is looooooooong.

Surely the fact is the child’s here now, they require a roof, food at least even if the op is shit and won’t provide love. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t understand how they can say they love their first but don’t want their second. I’m a parent and I’m 100 percent sure I’d love my second as much as my first.

He seems to have left this thread but I'd still like an answer to the question is he paying maintenance for his first child (possibly not).

He has the child 50/50 though so would he pay maintenance?

On another thread a poster is complaining that her husband has his children 50% of the time but still pays his ex wife £500/month and poster isn't happy. Everyone is saying he shouldn't be paying any maintenance if he has 50/50 custody.

CM is worked out with percentage of time the paying parent has with a child.

@BreastFeedingworries My ex has a daughter he pays a lot more than CM requires, sees every weekend and takes on holiday. He has never met the dd- I don’t understand it myself but some people can compartmentalise their own children.

Your situation is very similar to one my partner found himself in with my youngest stepson.
His ex was just a casual fling. She lied about contraception, said she was on the pill but later turned out she wasn’t and although he did use a condom when it broke he didn’t worry about it as she was supposedly on the pill. Roll on a few months and he had moved over 100 miles away and travels down every second weekend to see and spend time with his then 2yo son and gets told by a mutual friend that ex is pregnant.
He contacts her and is told to F off as it’s not his and she’s in a relationship.
When the child was almost a year he receives a voicemail telling him that baby is his after all and he doesn’t have to bother with contact but that she’s going to CSA.

He made it clear he would pay but that he was going to have contact and has ever since.
Mother is a complete arse and used DSS as a weapon routinely to try get as she wishes (mostly more money) which is a nightmare and logistics are also a nightmare as both kids are a distance away and we now have two young kids together.
BUT we have a wonderful relationship with both DSS now (10 and 8) and they have a great relationship and both have great relationships with younger siblings.
So although it’s a perpetual headache when dealing with his mother it’s worth it.

I get that you have feeling of resentment towards baby’s mum but you and your son will miss out a lot if you don’t even try to let them have a relationship (even if they just see each other on holidays it will make a huge difference in the long run).
I’m sorry but this isn’t about you it’s about your children. Both of them, circumstances aside.

How do you know that she wasn't on the pill? Unfortunately I've heard a few 'tricked into pregnancy' stories which are simply not true. Regardless, there is no completely effective method of contraception and unless you choose to abstain completely you are always taking the risk of pregnancy. A lack of responsibility for one's actions is a huge part of what's wrong with the world today.

Whether or not you were tricked, as an adult you need to take equal responsibility for preventing pregnancy and should have insisted on using a method you had some control over. There are enough of these 'tricked into pregnancy' stories floating around for men to be well aware of the risks, especially with a woman you didn't know well.

Once your child is born it is no longer about your relationship with the mother. The child deserves to share the love and financial resources of both parents, whether he or she was planned or otherwise.