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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 30/04/2019 17:26

How to go forward - I think the most constructive approach for you would be to pretend the pregnancy was an accident.

Accidents happen. Biology cares nothing for fairness. The baby exists.

You need to do the right thing and pay up, for the child's sake.

The woman behaved very badly but you failed to protect yourself. You left yourself at the mercy of biology, of chance, of an accident, of someone you didn't know that well (and of VD!).

For the future, you need to take responsibility for yourself, not rely on other people to look after your interests for you.

Don't even bring 'choice' into the discussion. It's irrelevant.

barberstreisand · 30/04/2019 17:26

I think you need to realise that regardless of the circumstances there is a child out there that is yours. It was just as much your responsibility as hers to use protection, and if you had the time to discuss what you wanted and didn’t want from the relationship then you had the time to use a non-latex condom or to ask to see proof of the pill she was taking. You also say you don’t know this woman very well, so it was also silly on your part to not use a condom as she could very well have had an STD. But regardless, that is all in the past now, and what is in the present is a child that is yours and that (if you are the good man you say you are) you should take responsibility for.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 17:27

Plus they're only 99% effective at the best of times

Wouldn’t you rather take your chances with 99% than potentially 0%....?

cherry2727 · 30/04/2019 17:27

Op I believe that you're getting a tough time on here ! Why does the op have to pay child maintenance when he was lied to about using contraception ? His ex girlfriend should have thought of the financial implications/ costs of having a child before she decided to deceive and conceive a child !

I think posters are missing the point here - she deliberately did not take the pill ( this wasn't an accident) and so was well aware of her actions and consequences ! That's entrapment !!!

tinierclanger · 30/04/2019 17:27

You have to separate the two things.

  1. She lied and tricked you - that's bad and you can feel angry about that, although you're also culpable to some degree by not taking responsibility for contraception with someone you didn't have a long relationship with.
  1. There is now a child in this world, who deserves to be financially supported and loved. I'm afraid you can't dodge that responsibility and still claim to be "a good man".
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 17:27

What man, as PPs have suggested, rifles through a new partner's bag checking for pills and then wears a condom as well if the woman says she is on the pill??

A man who doesn’t want a dose of the clap or isn’t ready to father a child should use contraception at his end?

A solicitor will tell him to pay what he owes for the child he fathered by having sex.

Yes the woman is completely out of line and then some for telling this lie, however OP needs to realise that each heterosexual sexual liaison can result in a baby. And he will be responsible for any resulting offspring of each sexual affair.

RightYesButNo · 30/04/2019 17:27

OP - I think the issue here is that you’re upset at a woman who lied to you. And you should be. Lying is shite. But child maintenance and being a father aren’t about her. They are about the child. So in this society, people are forced to pay child maintenance even in situations where they might have been lied to or misled because it’s in the child’s best interests. Child maintenance is for the child. Regardless of whether she lied or not, the child is here now. If you believe it might not be yours, then you can have a DNA test (and based on how this woman has treated you so far, I’d recommend it). And then, whether you believe it’s fair or not, all you can do is decide what kind of father you want to be. Because believe me, your choice on that will affect this child far deeper and far longer than it affects the mother. If you feel the law is unfair, you can campaign to change it WHILE (hopefully) being a father. Maybe just take some time and try to separate your feelings for the woman (who lied) from your feelings for the child (who didn’t ask for any of this).

Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 17:28

Do you have evidence she tricked you? If you have texts you could probably go to court and fight her. But what I would suggest, instead, as this is a child we’re talking about is insist on a DNA test and then go through the CSA. You don’t have to have contact or parent the child if you don’t want to, but the right thing to do is support it financially.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:28

I'm very pleased we live in a country where we all have bodily autonomy.

So a woman can choose to not continue with a pregnancy.

And a man can choose to keep his spunk to himself.

cliquewhyohwhy · 30/04/2019 17:28

If it wasn't anything serious but a fling then you should of worn condoms no excuse. But what she did has no excuse either.

It doesn't matter about the consequences now but the poor innocent child that has been born. How can you look at your son and not think there is another little person out there and I'm missing out. You may not want to be a father again but you should at least pay for the child.

3timeslucky · 30/04/2019 17:28

If Ireland can go pro choice why as a man do I have no say

WTF does that have to do with anything? Your "say" came in your right to use contraception. You didn't. You abdicated that responsibility to some randomer. Expensive mistake you made but now you know. Get a vasectomy, get a good supply of condoms or get celibate.

If she did deliberately get pregnant having lied to you then what she did was not nice or fair. But you assuming she'd take responsibility for contraception was stupid, and also unfair.

You assumed she'd take responsibility. Why?

SimonJT · 30/04/2019 17:28

Anyone who lies about contraception is a scumbag, I would be worried about what else she may be telling lies about.

LaurieMarlow · 30/04/2019 17:29

Why does the op have to pay child maintenance when he was lied to about using contraception?

Erm because none of that’s the child’s fault and the child still needs to be provided for.

Are you being wilfully thick here? Hmm

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 17:29

You have no choice in how to go forward. It's not the child's fault, it's yours so you have to pay for it.

You're perfectly entitled to be angry about it but that has nothing to do with an innocent child that you're the dad for.

Sex has consequences and sometimes we don't want them. The consequences still exist.

Great post.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 17:29

not simply tell the OP that he was stupid or irresponsible for trusting her.

But that what it boils down to, his stupidity is exactly what lead him to father another child, not her lies which are undoubtedly very bad. When it comes to sex, it’s always down to personal responsibility to do everything in your power not to become a parent in 9 months. That means condoms, pulling out, avoiding p in v sex until in a more trusting relationship, whatever. The op put his uncovered penis willingly into her vagina without even having a second thought about the pill either failing or being a lie.

Basically the OP put 100% of the responsibility of contraception on the woman - seemingly a stranger he had no reason to trust - then has the tenacity to come crying on a women’s forum about it. A women’s forum where so many have been fucked over by men who wanted kids then ran off crying ‘tricked!’ when it suited them. I’m sure the OP isn’t actually a MRA on a wind up at all though.

It’s like leaving your wallet with some random dude at the pub as you go off for a fag, then crying that you’ve been robbed when you get back. No point saying ‘but he said I could trust him with my last £50’, no one is going to have sympathy when you were dim enough to trust a stranger to begin with.

JaneEyre07 · 30/04/2019 17:29

You did have a choice though. To wear a condom.

Instead, you chose to trust someone that you barely knew.

I think you need to swallow your pride, get a DNA test done and financially support your child. Whether or not you choose to be part of its life or not is up to you.

What she did was awful, no one is disputing that but two wrongs don't make a right. It's done, and you can't rewind time.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate · 30/04/2019 17:30

I love the way men just think, well I can't get pregnant so I'll just not bother with contraception...

then get all weird when they get a human pregnant.

Anyway OP, why have you come on MN specifically? odd choise would you say?

AuldJosey · 30/04/2019 17:30

How did you find out that she was never on the pill?

3timeslucky · 30/04/2019 17:30

And did you ask was she carrying any STIs while you were at it? What are you doing having casual sex without protecting yourself (and your sexual partners) from STIs?

If you have a child already you're old enough to know this shit.

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2019 17:30

Do you have evidence she tricked you? If you have texts you could probably go to court and fight her.

What emotional effect will that have on the child?

breakfastpizza · 30/04/2019 17:30

Man dumps birth control responsibility on woman, then blames her for getting pregnant when he didn't use basic precautions himself. Hmm

Sex is for reproduction. Our current culture has been shaped to promote no-strings attached casual sex, but biology doesn't give a crap.

Grow up, and spend the next 18 years being the decent guy you claim to be.

MustBeAWeasly · 30/04/2019 17:30

Fucking hell mn is one sided isn't it. Maybe he should of worn a non latex condom but she told him she was on the pill and he trusted her.
All of you saying she could get sick and no contraception is 100% secure fine but that's not what happened she lied and tricked him into having a baby, none of this oh maybe she shouldn't of lied but its done now. She did something utterly disgusting and out of order.

Sorry op but yes you know when you have sex there is a chance of pregnancy so you need to pay but I'm sorry she did such a nasty controlling thing to you.

HBStowe · 30/04/2019 17:30

It is utterly unlike a man removing a condom.

I totally disagree. A woman saying ‘I’m on the pill and can’t use condoms because I am allergic’ is absolutely comparable to a man saying ‘I am using a condom’ or ‘I have had a vasectomy’.

There is a consent issue here. OP consented to sex on the basis that his partner was on the pill. But she was lying about that. She deceived him into partaking in a sexual act he hadn’t consented to.

Our response to that should be that it’s unreasonable. It’s absolutely not fair to call the OP selfish and irresponsible because he was lied to.

This doesn’t change the fact that OP has to be responsible for his child. But the fury and cruelty of some of the responses here is really shocking.

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 17:31

The reason you still have to pay child maintenance is that it is not the child's fault. And lets face it, any man could lie and say this happened if they did not want to pay child maintenance. An easy way to get out of it if it was allowed.
Personally I think this sounds suspect as hell.

formerbabe · 30/04/2019 17:31

If you have texts you could probably go to court and fight her.

Fight her for what? Confused