Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

You have to own your decisions and recognise that it was your choice to take a massive risk of pregnancy. Even if she was on the pill, you couldn't possibly have known her well enough to rely on that. Plus it isn't 100% effective as others have said.

And, above all, consider the child. Your elder son's half sibling. A family member.

You are responsible for your own birth control, not her. That's how it goes. You chose not to use non latex condoms, the option open to you if you chose to have sex with this particular woman. It does not matter what she told you because every adult is responsible for their own birth control. You need, as an adult, to decide if the risk of sex is worth the possible consequences given the circumstances. You went for it.

Pay for your child.

I just don’t know how to go forward

You pay for the child that you helped create. That is the only reasonable course of action. Attempting a relationship with that child would be a bonus.

Sex can always lead to pregnancy. Notwithstanding the risks you took with regards to sexual health, the only contraception that is 100% reliable is abstinence.

You've well and truly been had. Why would someone lie about being on the pill, she was after a sperm doner and you provided. Women who get pregnant accidentally on purpose are the lowest of the low.

If what you say is true then I actually do think this woman has behaved badly and if you don’t want anything to do with the child then it’s up to you
BUT if it’s yours (DNA test?) you should contribute financially

😧 I’m in despair at the sheer hypocrisy I really am 😞 it makes me very sad to be a woman.

If a man had lied about putting a condom on, you’d all be telling the woman to call the police and have him arrested! But a woman lies about contraception (intentionally) and the poor guy gets man puts pee pee in lady...jiggly jiggly baby

😂 with comments like that I’m surprised we can still vote!

I’m quite familiar with the birds and the bees. The point of contraception, pro-choice and discussion is to establish responsibilities/boundaries and to control our futures surely? I feel like mine has been removed because of an inequality of choice.

Yes she was unfair in lying to you. I agree there. But you barely knew her, you either needed proof of her using contraception or to use your own method. And still you needed to be aware that your passion could lead to a baby - for which you would be legally responsible.
When you are using terms like “forced” we can be black and white.

As for the quote above what choice did you want once she was pregnant? A say so in her continuing the pregnancy?

OP, the only way forward is to be very clear with this woman that you absolutely do not want to be in a relationship with her and, if it's your choice, say you will not be part of the child's life. From there she can make the decision whether to continue as a single parent or terminate the pregnancy. If she decides to keep the baby, then insist on a DNA test so that you're sure whether the baby is yours. If she keeps it, and it's yours, then the only moral way forward is to pay maintenance for the child. Even if you consider you were tricked into the situation, the baby doesn't deserve to suffer and as the bio father you are responsible for it, whether you're part of the child's life or not.

I brought my sons up to always use a condom if they want to avoid pregnancy. You didn't bother and now she's pregnant. Learn from your mistakes.

I understand that you're not happy but if the baby's your baby you have responsibilities.

I wonder if everyone commenting you had sex deal with it are pro choice or not. I agree you were silly though

If you want to be constructive, take some responsibility rather than ruminating on menz rights, pay maintenance, and arrange regular contact with your DC.

I just don’t know how to go forward

1. Stop blaming her for a choice you made

1. Start accepting that you have a responsibility when having sex to always make sure you’re covered (in all senses)

1. Book a vasectomy

1. Do a DNA test

1. If and when the child comes back as yours, have contact and pay maintenance.

1. Never slag off the mother to this child, if you ever feel the need then just refer yourself back to point 1.

Having said all that, listening to my head I do have sympathy for you. It's always the woman that seems to have the say. Whether to get pregnant or not and whether to keep the baby or not. Man has no say but has to pay. Having said that it's still a mans world in other ways as most that are against marriage and walk away from their kids when that situation arises and women are left with no money, dad doesn't bother, etc etc.

Pissing in the wind here mate.

You've been caught out big style - and as a lot of the posters are saying - you're going to have to pay up. (DNA test confirming of course...)

I used to work with a lass who poked holes i condoms as she wanted a baby... hes still paying maintenace now. :(

We are being foolish because we aren't taking into account attraction, passion and sexual desire?

Are you saying that you shouldn't have to take responsibility for your choices because you were really horny when you made them?

If she tricked you, I think you'd have a right to be very angry about it, but still no right to shirk your duty to support the child financially as a bare minimum.

You must know that no contraceptive method is foolproof? If you have sex with a condom, with a pill, coil you name it there is still a chance of pregnancy.

The responsibility lies at your feet too no matter what she did or said.

Has she actually said she was never on the pill or is that something you inferred?

I'm not sure what your point is with the Ireland comment. Pro-choice legislation means giving women autonomy over their own body.

Get yourself checked for STDs if you haven't already done so recently.

What she did - lying about contraception - was despicable.

But it doesn't sound as if you knew her well enough to trust her - you'd known her only a matter of weeks. And until you really know and trust someone, you need to use a barrier method (and even then only consider abandoning it once STI status is known)

And you must have known that. Just as you must have known that the pill can fail, and you could be in exactly the same position even if she had been as honest as the day is long.

Assuming DNA shows you to be the biological father, you need to pay for this child. If you want to opt out of actually being a parent, that's your call.

But how will you explain to your elder child that you abandoned his sibling?

And in future, wise up a bit. You know sex can lead to pregnancy, and so always think about what the person wouid be like as a mother before you have sex, just as a reality check.

Sex isn't just recreation. You cannot remove the possibility of procreation.

it makes me very sad to be a woman

Well I don’t feel you speak for me so why do you feel anyone else speaks for you

Nobody is saying that the woman behaved well. However it could all have been avoided if the OP had shown a modicum of sense and insisted on latex-free condoms.

As it is? Two people make a baby, both people know even if contraception is used it still isn’t 100% reliable. Then you take responsibility.

Even lower than a rapist who impregnated?

I just don’t know how to go forward

if this is all new news to you I bet you are feeling raw. You won;t feel raw forever.

How to move forward? Focus on what kind of father you are going to be to this child. Women have children they might not want all the bloody time & they still parent/mother and love those children.

If you’re looking for perspective you need to stop looking back. This happened, no it wasn’t fair, but it’s in the past. You have no control over that anymore.
The present is that, if this baby is yours, you will be made to pay for it. You also have no control over that whether it’s fair or not.

The future can either be 1) that you get to know this little person, who is your child’s half sibling, and build a relationship. You’ve seen how rewarding that can be.
Or 2) you have nothing to do with the child beyond paying for it, which sounds to me like it would only mean you continue to feel bitter.
The future is the only part you have any control over. I hope you find a way to make your peace with this situation as you could have something to gain.

Your own dick is your responsibility so either keep it in your pants or use a condom.
Ok so she may have tricked you but you know that there's always a risk of pregnancy when you have sex so be a bit more responsible
Pay up for your child!

It’s clear you’ve been treated very shabbily, OP. You were manipulated, and someone that you trusted lied to you. That is a horrible situation, and I think it’s absolutely valid that you feel betrayed and let down and angry.

But - none of that changes the fact that you need to support this child. It isn’t the child’s fault that it was conceived, which means it shouldn’t be the child who suffers the consequences. I’m not blaming you for not taking steps like using non-latex condoms because I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you trusted your partner when she said she was on the pill. But that doesn’t change the fact that your actions led to the existence of a child who deserves to be fed, clothed, housed and entertained.

I think you should seek to have a relationship with with the child. I don’t doubt that you would feel happier paying maintenance to a child you know and love than to one you have no relationship with. And this child deserves a relationship with you. It deserves you making the effort to be an involved and loving parent.

I don’t blame you for your feelings of anger or resentment to your ex, at all. But the baby doesn’t deserve to be punished because of her. It deserves to be loved and supported by its dad.

She behaved badly then, you're behaving badly now.

Re: "Women who get pregnant accidentally on purpose are the lowest of the low."