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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
LetsBreakItDown · 30/04/2019 16:47

The baby isn't accountable for the way they came to be. Therefore, why should the baby be the one to suffer, because not paying for your child only does them a disservice, not the mother. You preach about how much you love your other child, you fought for 50/50 custody, and how you support them, yet you are happy to turn your back on another child who is just as much yours and a completely innocent party? With an attitude like yours, both kids would be better off without you.

Gatehouse77 · 30/04/2019 16:48

I totally understand that you feel tricked and, from what you've said, it would appear that you have.

However, if not having anymore children was something you felt so strongly about I think there was a little more onus on you to either ask for proof from her re- the pill/allergy or say no. In either of those circumstances I suspect you'd have found out if it was her 'game' all along.

Therefore, half of the responsibility for the child is yours.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 16:48

This reply has been deleted

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MarvelandDC · 30/04/2019 16:48

And it's not forced parenthood either btw.

Let me simplify this for you.

If you have sex with a woman, there's a risk of pregnancy and also of sexually transmitted disease. You can dramatically reduce this risk by using a condom.

If your sexual partner refuses to be se a condom, then it would be wise to refrain from having sex, unless of course you are happy to risk pregnancy.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 16:49

FP22, how old is your son, and how long have you had 50/50?

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 16:49

So you’re not seeing your DC2 or paying maintenance?

Shame on you.

Men decide whether to have sex or not, and whether or not to wear a condom. If pregnancy results, you don’t get to decide, because it’s not your body.

Once DC arrives you decide whether to be a decent father or not. At present you’re not doing well on that one.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 30/04/2019 16:50

You weren't tricked. You took on no responsibility yourself in preventing pregnancy or STIs. You chose to leave something this serious to a girl you were only seeing casually. No one is allergic to condoms. They can be allergic to a certain ingredient, in which case you use a different one.

You are an idiot. Being an idiot does not absolve you of your responsibility to a child YOU created.

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/04/2019 16:50

If you didn't want another baby you shouldn't have had sex. As simple as that sorry.

You seem quite successful in life - a good career, achieved a balance with contact with your older child. You can do this.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 16:51

I struggle with this being forced upon me

You absolutely did not have this forced upon you. Unless you’re suggesting you were sexually assaulted, which I don’t think is the case.

Man put pee pee in woman. Jiggle jiggle. Baby.

With or without contraception. What’s so hard to grasp? If the pill had failed, would you be more accepting?

FFSFFSFFS · 30/04/2019 16:52

Every single time you have sex there is a possibility of pregnancy. Which you know.

She did not steal your sperm from you - you voluntarily popped it near her egg.

You are not a good person and you are not a good father.

You are a good father to one of your children and an absolutely appalling father to your other child.

The fact that she may also have done something pretty crap doesn't absolve you of all responsibility.

Your poor poor poor child.

Myusernameisunique · 30/04/2019 16:52

I'm sorry I actually don't agree with everyone else. If what you say is true and you were absolutely tricked into getting her pregnant then I think it's really unfair you have to deal with the consequences of her lying to you. Us women do also have a responsibility when it comes to contraception just as men do. That being said there is an innocent child stuck in the middle of all of this and if you are a good guy like you profess to be you'll realise that and give this child the life they deserve by being a loving parent, seeing them and paying for them. I'd also let that be a lesson to be extra super careful next time! I do feel sorry for you though. Some women are shits just as some men are and she clearly didn't think of that child's future when she was lying to you to get pregnant.

BeefTomato · 30/04/2019 16:53

Yes she's done a horrible thing, but it isn't the child's fault.

The pill isn't 100% effective, so pregnancy could have occurred even if she was using contraception.

Who do you think should pay for your child if not you? The state?

There are plenty of people who conceive who aren't particularly pleased about it. It doesn't mean that they are therefore immune from the consequences of the pregnancy.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2019 16:53

Agree it isn't forced parenthood. You made a choice, you took a massive obvious risk. Yes, she lied to you about the pill, but you were incredibly naive and prioritised your desire for sex in the moment, over longer term thought. You need to own that and stop whinging on about "forced" parenthood.

Do you realise you are arguing for the child to suffer disadvantage due to your choices? This child is no different to your older child. No less deserving, no less innocent.

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 16:54

You still had sex with her without a condom, you can get different types of condoms if she's allergic to a certain type

have the snip if you aren't wanting kids but still want to sleep with woman without using anything

even if she was on the pill it wouldn't be 100% anyway so just relying on that alone is ridiculous of you

pay for your child, in future if a girl doesn't want you to wear a condom, don't have sex with her. The pill isn't 100% so using that as a reason not to use anything else is stupid

You say you're a good person etc etc but you're letting a child grow up without it's father regardless of anything else, what's happened has happened and your child is here.

Honeydukes92 · 30/04/2019 16:55

🙄 Oh OP!

You did not come to the right place, so please pack up your perfectly valid feelings and leave us to our hypocrisy!

Clearly you should have severed your own penis at birth if you didn’t want to be tricked into getting a lying woman pregnant! So this is what you deserve. 🤔

Yes you probably should have worn a condom 🙄 but women blast that around like it’s some sort of excuse for them blatantly lying about their own contraception!

It’s not an excuse - and it builds an environment in which men are blamed for trusting women! But then women complain about not being trusted 🤯

Plus condoms are hardly the most reliable so you could easily have ended up here even if you had used one.

The reality is that YOU deserved the truthful information upon which to decide whether to have sex. A woman lying about contraception is the same as a man lying and saying he’s put a condom on. Only one of those is technically rape, and the other has still ended up being your fault 🤔

OP your situation SUCKS and whilst personally I think that women who lie about contraception to intentionally trick men into having children - deserve every hardship that befalls them. Unfortunately the child does not deserve that.

You don’t have to make peace with this woman’s behaviour, but you do have to be a father xx 💐

Coyoacan · 30/04/2019 16:55

If she's allergic to latex use non latex ones or do you enjoy playing Russian roulette with venereal disease?

This is what strikes me.

Casual sex without a condom, you must be mad! If the only consequence of this is a child you should count yourself lucky.

TixieLix · 30/04/2019 16:55

@OVAgroundWOMBlingfree

"Man put pee pee in woman. Jiggle jiggle. Baby." Grin

Loopytiles · 30/04/2019 16:55

Choosing to have sex with no condom when you don’t want an STI or to be a parent (again) is literally a dick move. No one tricked you into doing that.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 30/04/2019 16:56

How would your DC (the one you pay for) feel (when they are older) about you refusing to support and acknowledge their sibling?

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2019 16:56

Can you imagine what your older child might think when they discover they have a half sibling that they don't know, and that they realise you never saw or contributed towards?

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 16:56

You absolutely did not have this forced upon you. Unless you’re suggesting you were sexually assaulted, which I don’t think is the case

Man put pee pee in woman. Jiggle jiggle. Baby

With or without contraception. What’s so hard to grasp? If the pill had failed, would you be more accepting?

THIS ^^^^^

TheClitterati · 30/04/2019 16:56

It's a simple fact that unprotected sex very often results in pregnancy.

It sounds like you may have been manipulated/lied to, but its still your child and you are legally bound to pay.

You may feel it is unfair, but it is the law.

I hope you will find a way to move forward and find some internal resolution to these difficult feelings. As a PP said, this child is as much your child/DNA as your son is. Its now up to you to figure out what kind of father you are going to be to this child.

Original poster
FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:57

I do think some of these comments are less than constructive. I’m looking for rationalisation of the situation, to try to perhaps adjust my perspective, not to be persecuted for making mistakes. We all make them.

I’m quite familiar with the birds and the bees. The point of contraception, pro-choice and discussion is to establish responsibilities/boundaries and to control our futures surely? I feel like mine has been removed because of an inequality of choice.

To make sex so black and white without the consideration to attraction, passion, sexual desire is as foolish as my choices. Of course contraception isn’t ever 100% which is why we have options and which is why you try to establish trust with people. I was open with this person about what I did and didn’t want from the start and I think I have been used. Of course I made poor decisions, I just don’t know how to go forward

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 30/04/2019 16:59

FFS are you copying my dad? Mother told him she was on the pill. He shagged her. Bam she's pregnant. He didn't want a baby then didn't want her. She then decided since I wasn't a band aid baby after all as wrong type she abandoned me. My life has been a fucking waste of time since. Don't be him. Don't be a dick. Get a dna test and man up.

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/04/2019 16:59

Us women do also have a responsibility when it comes to contraception just as men do.

When a fertile man and woman have sex, it’s always up to both parties to do as much as possible to prevent pregnancy if they do not want children. Yet once men hear the word ‘pill’ it’s like they think they have a free pass to bareback with no consequences (how do men rule the world when many are so thick?).

One side can never ‘blame’ the other if pregnancy occurs - that is the risk of intercourse in a hetro relationship. Never mind the fucking stupidity of both of them not using condoms in a casual situation, if he couldn’t trust she was actually on the pill then he better hope to hell she didn’t also pass on anything nasty. Or him to her.