To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

You can have OCD, and you can live by your own rules for this. You don't however get to dictate how others run their lives due to your anxiety over hand washing and germs. Just because he has been to your therapy so he can understand where you are coming from doesn't mean he has to join in.

@Troels I'm not asking him to join in but surely it's common sense to wash your hands before going in the fridge? Especially after touching the bin.

I'd also appreciate some sympathy from him but I never get that unfortunately. His favourite phrase is that I should 'just get over it'.

You can't expect others to live like you, condition or not. It isn't fair. YABU

I do think he owes you an apology for swearing at you. Tbh, my DP handling the bin then rummaging through the fridge without washing his hands would make me a bit on edge too. Ick.

YABU.

Your OCD may control your life but you cannot insist it also controls his. You need to apologise to him, poor bloke.

A person with OCD is very difficult to live with.

He prob should’ve been nicer about it but I also think he shouldn’t have to change his ways to accommodate your phobia. I wouldn’t wash my hands in those circs either. Obviously phobias are by nature extremely irrational so you will need professional help getting over it but he would be enabling your anxiety and agreeing that there is something to fear (there isn’t) by doing what you are asking.

Yabu
you need to calm down and stop making this mans life a misery

He should definitely apologise for the way he spoke to you. He's allowed to be upset and frustrated, but swearing at you is uncalled for, I agree. However, do you think he has reached the end of his tether in having to deal with all of your anxieties, rules, and conditions for how he must live in his own home? Dealing with someone else's OCD can be extremely overwhelming, especially when your every move is monitored.

Of course he shouldn't have sworn at you - and should have washed his hands - but honestly, this must be so utterly wearing to live with.
Is he ok most of the time? Perhaps in this instance he just snapped.

He should've washed his hands, handling rubbish then going into the fridge where there's food is GROSS! I don't have OCD but still think that's rank

I would wash my hands after going through a bin. Did this lead to raised voices, or did he just start swearing randomly at you.

Wow, this thread has shown some horrid colours. Would you say the same to somebody who had an autistic meltdown they couldn't help?

OCD isn't the sufferers fault and it's very hard to overcome, I'm medicated for it and attend CBT but it still rules my life.

I appreciate it's hard to live with but if someone I knew/loved was struggling I certainly wouldn't have the attitude portrayed here, I would do everything I can to comfort them as I know how it feels to be alone in that kind of situation.

It's also not 'enabling' when it's something that is basic hygiene.

I don't have ocd, and I definitely would expect someone to wash their hands after touching a bin, especially before putting them inside a fridge.

@wigglypiggly I never raised my voice at him, I asked him to wash his hands and he said he did. He hadn't as there had been no water running so I called him out on lying (he looked very sheepish about it!) and started getting defensive and hurling abuse at me, calling me crazy etc.

Is your argument that everyone should avoid rummaging through the fridge after the bin without handwashing or that he should be more aware because of your OCD?

YABU, living with someone with OCD is exhausting. The guy went to therapy with you, he is clearly a decent guy but no one is perfect and I can't blame him for losing patience with you.

I have ocd as well. It is my issue not my dh's or ds's and I am hyper aware of not making them follow my rules. He should not have sworn at you but I also think you are asking him to enable you.

Yanbu about the swearing. He shouldn't have called you crazy either. Neither are great, as a one off I'd expect an apology (as I appreciate it must be frustrating for him) but if it's recurring behaviour I would be take a good look at my relationship.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit both really, but the apology is regarding him swearing at me.

No it was nasty to call you crazy and swear at you- he should apologise to you for that, no need at all.

Playing devil's advocate though- if I'd just been emptying the bin and someone started having a go at me for doing so and clearing out old manky food from the fridge then I'd probably get annoyed too.

You definitely shouldn't have to put up with being sworn at

So he emptied the kitchen bin and went out to the dustbin. Yes he should have washed his hands.

@Littlebelina it's happened before but not as bad as this, ironically my OCD actually got worse recently as he convinced me to come off the medicine I take for a while as he was sure the meds weren't helping. Saying they dumbed me down etc. Now I'm back on them as we realised that didn't help and the OCD is even worse than before!

He probably said he did because he knew how you would react, so I can understand him fibbing about it.

Its actually hard to say if YABU here.

I live with someone with OCD. Not the same as how you are affected, but I refuse to abide by his 'rules'. Its exhausting to have to live this way, but its equally exhausting to live with someone whose behaviour is irrational. (Whether or not they are able to control it. Whether or not the person suffering sees it as irrational. I understand you aren't doing it for good times. Its not a nice place to be)

Sometimes we are just human and irritation takes over where sympathy would be the appropriate reaction.

I see it from both sides, and I'm sorry he swore at you and called you crazy. You say that your OCD generally doesn't affect him, but you also say he uses the phrase 'you should get over it' often (actually you say its his favourite phrase, which suggests it does affect him )

He said he washed his hands because he's probably sick of being monitored and just wanted to get on with what he was doing. When he was accused of lying, he went on the defensive and lashed out. What he said was cruel and swearing at you wasn't on either. I can see why though.

I hope you can work it out.