To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

i too have diagnosed OCD, and at times i am very hard to live with. i try really hard not to impose ‘rules’ on my DP, but as well as my current germ phobia, i have ‘checking’ compulsions which mean i can sometimes go over and over an arrangement, or keep asking a question, just to shut my head up. it’s like trying not to sneeze.

i think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time, OP, from people who don’t understand that OCD is a mental illness. it’s not like that awful Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners programme, which featured people who haven’t actually been diagnosed with OCD.

my hands are raw and peeling at the moment as i am washing them so much. i’m knackered, but i will still go and clean the bathroom before and after my shower. just showering means endless rituals. going to bed at night takes even longer.

so. yes, it’s hard to live with someone who has OCD. it’s hard for the person with OCD as well. kindness and patience go a long way, on both sides.

If your bin is very clean which i suspect it is because of your OCD then it might not be really necessary for him to wash his hands. He shouldn't have reacted like that and hopefully it was a one off, however he shouldn't be enabling you when "most" people wouldn't do something.

@Nicknacky he's not my husband, but yes I have definitely and can see how it is controlling behaviour and I feel awful about it.

As with most things regarding my anxiety I blew it out of proportion and now I've had time to lay down and read my CBT book I am feeling better.

Still waiting on that swearing apology though I apologise to him a lot about the OCD as I know it can disrupt his life quite a lot especially when we're out as I don't use public toilets/eat out etc.

don't believe in 'fibbing' it was a lie and you don't lie in relationships end of. I'd rather he said no and apologised, instead he made himself look worse

TBH you sound like you're talking about a child. Give him a break OP. He's probably at breaking point on the odd occasion hence the swearing. I know I would be too. Especially as you're chucking out a whole fridge's worth of food when there is no need (I know youcan't help how you feel)

I don't believe the OP said he was 'rummaging in the bin'. He was rummaging in the fridge. TBH if I picked up my bin liner by its handles and put it in the outside bin I wouldn't necessarily be washing my hands before I went to the fridge. All they will have touched is plastic bin handle and a plastic lid. But maybe I'm gross then.

This thread has actually really helped me get other points of view and as the majority of you aren't fussed about it it's helped calm me.

So thank you, it's all a learning curve in recovering from it.

@sundayblue thank you. I'm now so lucky to be at a point where I can manage it, though of course it flares up at times. I really hope you get there too and keep getting any help you need

i also take a lot of medication, and have other diagnoses, and have just been discharged from secondary mental health services for being ‘too complex’ for therapy. our trust has been in special measures forever, and there is no money and no help available.

next step for me is ECT. what larks.

@exWifebeginsat40
"my hands are raw and peeling at the moment as i am washing them so much. i’m knackered, but i will still go and clean the bathroom before and after my shower. just showering means endless rituals. going to bed at night takes even longer."

SNAP, are we the same person? The skin between my fingers is absolutely red raw from washing my hands.

I'm so sorry you suffer as well, it's truly awful and I agree that it's definitely not as well understood as it should be.

I’d let the apology slide.

All things considered, him losing the rag and swearing a bit in comparison to what he lives with on a daily basis is not that bad, is it?

my OCD actually got worse recently as he convinced me to come off the medicine I take for a while as he was sure the meds weren't helping. Saying they dumbed me down etc

More than anything, I’m a bit at this part. Is he a physician, like?

@M3lon I believe I have responded to some others actually.

And I have admitted I was being a martyr and definitely took it out of proportion.

If he only reached for the mouldy lemon, he didn't touch anything else.

Starving yourself for four days sounds like you're punishing him.

@Butchyrestingface Nope. But I did talk to my doctor about it beforehand who was reluctant but agreed I could try.

I don’t suffer from OCD, so this probably me being unreasonable and simplistic, but you know that the food isn’t actually contaminated, although to you it is. How about not throwing away the food?

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis I actually do know some autistic people and probably understand it more than most people!

I've definitely had meltdowns (and it is a literal, I can't function, hysterical, crying on the floor out of frustration and fear meltdown) relating to my OCD.

@Hadjab I'm trying to get my head around that one atm, only alternative is I don't use the fridge for a day and see if he gets sick, if he doesn't then I may be able to use it iyswim?

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD
No - you don't. Nothing in your posts suggests that you understand exactly how hard your dp finds it dealing with your OCD.
It's all about you and how everything has to be your way.

You use your OCD to control him and his actions, EXPECT him to enable your OCD by following your rules only and then get all passive aggressive if he doesn't.

YOU need to take responsibility of managing your OCD - not him - and stop blaming him.
Your medication/therapy obviously isn't working at all if you're still having super over the top reactions like this to he took the full bin bag out the bin and handled it THEN opened the fridge and took the lemon out.

If you aren't actively trying/doing things in a way that isn't controlled by your OCD then how could you understand how hard it is on others?

@Butchyrestingface Nope. But I did talk to my doctor about it beforehand who was reluctant but agreed I could try.

I think he was a bit clatty in going into the fridge after not washing his hands but assume it was a forgetful one off and no biggie (appreciate it wouldn’t feel that way to someone with OCD).

The shouting he should apologise for.

But unless you are unhappy with the effects of the meds you’re taking, don’t let him influence decisions around your medication like that again.

@Servalan Yes I had medical support from my doctor, I am literally on my knees at the moment as like you've said, the meds take a while to kick in and I find myself staying in bed to avoid the day too!

The thoughts are exhausting, my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist recently as she thought I was depressed but the psychiatrist said he suspected the thoughts and the constant anxiety were creating the 'depression' symptoms of sleeping, always tired, sad etc.

Thank you for your input, I definitely get what you're saying.

@Butchyrestingface I definitely won't, I felt pressured into it and just did it so he'd stop mentioning it honestly.

Even he admits it was an awful idea now but doesn't want to acknowledge the fall out of his pressurising and forcefulness.

@SavingSpaces2019 I'm trying to understand though, this thread has helped me.

You can't use your OCD as a method of controlling someone.

Your poor DP. Your bin will have far less germs than you are imagining.

My DH suffers from mild OCD and he's soon put in his place if he starts trying to dictate how I do things, and he's reminded that anytime he wants to live alone and be in perfect control, the door is that way ---->>>

Your medication/therapy obviously isn't working at all if you're still having super over the top reactions like this to he took the full bin bag out the bin and handled it THEN opened the fridge and took the lemon out.

It might have a better chance at working if lover boy wasn’t persuading her to come off her meds against doctor’s advice because it “dumbed” her down, whatever that even means.

@BlackPrism every time and between everything I touch regarding prepping food. I wash my hands 7 times just to make a cup of coffee.
I avoid eating as it all to often ends up with something going wrong and I just can't cope with doing it all over again.

I also wash up everything I will need to use twice, even if it's already clean when I go to use it.

I don't think I've eaten dinner in about a week honestly.

How dirty and some people's bins that their hands get dirty removing a bin bag? You're meant to put the rubbish inside the bin liner, not smear it around the edge.