To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

Ill echo someone who said that it might be bacuase he knows whats to come. I have a relative with an ocd diagnosis and know how frustrating it is.

I can imagine if i was emptying the bin (im assuming you cant do this), and was questioned, panicked and lied knowing that following this my partner would throw away all the food and not eat for a week, wash hands till they bleed, spend hours cleaning the fridge, yes i might swear.

I haven’t said he’s a loving partner? I have said sometimes people can break, and just have enough, especially more so with illnesses like the OP’s.

Well, one would have hoped that she had a loving partner, especially with the boatloads of sympathy he’s getting on the thread.

But yes, people certainly can break, which might be an idea for them not to do anything counterproductive like pressure their unwell partners to come off medication designed to help them get better.

He should have washed his hands after handling the bin- it is not irrational to be concerned about germs from the bin.

He should not have sworn at you either.

I can also understand him wanting HIS partner who is not zombied due to medication.

On being diagnosed with PTSD some years ago, I went on medication while I was undergoing treatment... the medication made me be aware of my surroundings yet not be in MY environment, they clouding my communication skills, and clouded my judgement, I also used to just zone out multiple times a day and be in a day dream like phase for the majority of the day.

My husband HATED me being on them, he could adjust/help with my illness, however wanted his wife who was not a zombie, I was also on the lowest dose, OP says her dosage is quite high...

So again was the OP pressurised? Or did he just want a version of his partner and not a zombie.

I also wouldn’t take what the OP says fully without hearing her partners aide, there is 2 sides of every story.

OP illness is currently spiralling out beyond her control, which is having a huge detrimental effect on her health, so I personally would advise OP to seek medical help ASAP

I also like to hear the OP’s partners side of the story.

smells why shouldn’t people sympathise with her partner? It must be hell to live with and posters who have been in his position have posted their experiences

Nothing wrong with sympathising with the DP per se, but here he’s getting more sympathy than the OP for her illness; indeed he’s getting sympathy while she’s being criticised for it. Criticised for being ill. OCD is not a choice.

My daughter has severe OCD. Believe me, my life is far easier than hers.

OP I really would go back to your doctor, it does sound like you're being controlled by your OCD and eating disorder.

He shouldn't have sworn at you. He may have been at the end of his tether. All this is not only very hard on you, it will also be very hard on him too. It's no excuse but I can see how it may have happened.

YANBU.
Quite surprised that most people think you're the unreasonable one for not wanting hands that had been faffing around with garbage going anywhere near food.
A disregard for basic cleanliness is the main reason why I very seldom eat outside of my own home.

sundaybluecoffee

The fact you can't use the fridge now is OCD's fault, not your fault and not your boyfriend's fault.

He definitely should not take on board your anxieties about cleanliness because that will just make everything worse for both of you.

I say this as a fellow OCD sufferer who is also medicated & in therapy for it.

However, it is obviously not nice to call someone with a mental illness 'crazy', as that's a weak point for some of us.

I don't think you are in the right though, as he had already been in the fridge by the time you said anything, so the 'contamination' already occurred according to you. So I'd say you were asking him to enable your OCD and he reacted in an unkind way, though he should still have resisted you.

This is not about the bin ! (Or the fridge !)

OP I’m sorry your life is so badly affected by your OCD - it must be incredibly difficult for you. But the pressure on your DP must be huge. The not eating for days as a result of this is a form of control (even if you can’t help it.)
I really hope you can get some extra support and things get easier for you.

P.s. I do have an issue with partners who say we shouldn't be on medication for whatever reason... For some of us medication is really important for our health :(

My best friend from school has OCD. She was 18 when it became noticeable. First thing that was noticeable was that it was food and germ based much like OP. DM prepared a roast for us once and had defrosted a chicken (something my friend had eaten before round ours) but suddenly she started crying and said she couldn't eat it. The OCD crept in gradually and stealth fully. Days out became non existant unless accompanied by parents, the constant fear of illness meant there was no eating out and no socialising with friends only family. It was bloody horrible. She met her husband at a family wedding and it wasn't too apparant until 2 years after the marriage, friends husband showed up unexpectantly one night crying and so so upset. He couldn't take it any more. The cleaning, constant checking, the anxiety, not going out, not being able to take their wedding present as it would mean flying which she couldn't do. And the illness made her selfish and unable to see how it was affecting those around her. This man sat in my living room was sobbing because he couldn't handle it. I understood. She saw no one else's point of view. She stopped working, they got into debt, they split up. 12 years later, she now can't work due to illness. She has had CBT, meds but refuses to acknowledge her problem. The countless times I've been round hers to rassure her that she isn't dying is exhausting. In the end, I had to limit contact, I had children and it was starting to evade into out lives to a detrimental effect. I'm so sorry about that but had to look after my family.

OP I'm sorry you're in this position. OCD is insidious. I hope you can get the help to be free of this. 💐

I don’t have OCD and I’d have had words with my dh if he’d done what yours did. It’s basic hygiene ffs!

Whew this thread blew up!
I'm happy to announce I have eaten this evening and my boyfriend and I have made up, talking about going on a weekend getaway soon which will be nice to just get out the environment!

CBT & realistic thinking for a few hours is what it took.👍🏻

It’s absolutely no wonder so many women are in abusive relationships when you see how many of you are willing to normalise a man swearing at his partner for two minutes.

Some of you are raising sons who think it’s ok to be bullies and daughters who think you just have to accept that, and it’s tragic.

So it’s only daughters who are in abusive relationships or be subjected unwarranted behaviours.

The OP has not said her partner has been abusive to her! She has described here one incident, and it could quite possible be an isolated incident, or it could be one of many incidents... who knows!!!

However your completely biased and inaccurate generalisation comments are frankly ridiculous and incorrect.

I’ve cracked at my husband before and my husband me before as we’ve been in highly stressful and at times traumatic moments, however that does not mean he was abusing me or that I was abusing him!

We just broke due to our ordeals, and in that moment lapsed in our 99% loving relationship.

If the OPs partner has a long term history of abusing her, then I agree to a degree, but this simply isn’t the case with the information the OP has provided here.

@Prequelle
"Its not his fault the fridge is 'contaminated'. Your illness is at fault."

You're 100% right and it's more motivation to recover.

@Smellslikemiddleagespirit
"Nothing wrong with sympathising with the DP per se, but here he’s getting more sympathy than the OP for her illness; indeed he’s getting sympathy while she’s being criticised for it. Criticised for being ill. OCD is not a choice.

My daughter has severe OCD. Believe me, my life is far easier than hers."

THIS. OCD isn't about being picky, it's disabling. I'm sorry about your daughter.

Of course he shouldn't have sworn at you - and should have washed his hands - but honestly, this must be so utterly wearing to live with.

This really, although I am starting to wonder what people put in their bins. Mine is mainly packaging that cannot be recycled so none of it is actually dirty as such. The minimal amount of food waste I have is mainly veg peelings and just gets composted.

I can sort of see this from both sides OP. My mum's standards of hygiene are dreadful. She'll do things like blow her nose then put the tissue down on the chopping board or other food prep area. As children we had pets and one of them developed an abscess which burst. My mum would clean up the burst, pus filled abscess then make our packed lunches without washing her hands in between. She has given herself food poisoning with some frequency.

As a small child I took to washing my hands so often they bled. Looking back I think it was my attempt to control my environment. I couldn't make her wash her hands but I could keep washing mine. Her response to this was to tell me that according to Freud people who are afraid of dirt are afraid of sex. I was at junior school at the time, so around 9 years old. I tried desperately to get control any way I could and tried to make my own packed lunch or just not eat what she gave me unless it was pre-wrapped or I could wash it. So to an extent I get that sense of fear.

But I've seen it most from the other side. I have an ex boyfriend who had OCD. It's not the reason he's an ex but it was difficult to cope with. Yes, it was more difficult for him but the rituals will get to the other person too. Grabbing something out of the fridge after you've emptied a bin may be less than ideal but logically (I know OCD isn't logical) it's unlikely to result in harm. Bins containing dry waste aren't particularly unhygienic.

Your DP shouldn't have sworn. And I do hope you get the help you need.

Also to all the posters saying I need to go back to my GP for my OCD & anorexia, I HAVE, last week.

I've been on the adult mental health referral list for 18 months and only just had 7 sessions of CBT (which isn't enough to target severe OCD) & to get help for an eating disorder you need to be a really low weight to fulfil the criteria for help in that area.

Glad you’ve had a better day OP. Hope this thread has been useful.

Troels I'm not asking him to join in but surely it's common sense to wash your hands before going in the fridge? Especially after touching the bin.

This sounds like you expect him to wash his hands EVERY time before getting something from the fridge!

And he didn't even touch the bins content, he just got out the bin bag (and I presume, tied a knot).

He should not have shouted/swear, but I could not live like this. I'd go crazy.

@dahliaaa Thank you, yes it's been a good evening & this thread gave me loads to think about in regards to how my boyfriend feels which is amazing insight.

@Rachelle11 has it I think. I think the OCD is feeding the eating disorder. Have you considered eating some kind of dehydrated food/diet where it is by its very nature devoid of germs, but is totally balanced. Like a VLCD in reverse?

OP did the GP actually weigh and measure you? What do you think you average daily calorie intake is?

https://realoutdoorfood.com/real-categories/real-turmat/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw5JmBRDVARIsAGqGLZC4lBeXRivgmy4v357hHXL8r2EbmfaueORPsvceMBiHFOybriq3lJoaAohAEALww_wcB

Or

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=wayfayrer&rh=n%3A3076443031&sprefix=wayfayrer&ref=nbsbbssii0_9

@HBStowe It’s absolutely no wonder so many women are in abusive relationships when you see how many of you are willing to normalise a man swearing at his partner for two minutes.

And it's absolutely no wonder there's no such thing as freedom of speech any longer! You cant say anything without someone shouting about abuse...for fucks sake.
No wonder the world is so damn sensitive, it's because of people like you

Good luck @sundaybluecoffee
Severe OCD is a terrible thing, and it seems you've managed to listen to people here and conquer this latest issue, so that's impressive.

How does your little girl cope with this though? Do you make meals for her? I'm surprised you don't have more support, to be honest. I'd expect someone with a child to be prioritised, so that the child's experience of normal family life isn't compromised.