To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

I am a terrible, terrible person, as I simply couldn't live with this. I mean someone with OCD, not the man-handling / cross-contamination.

I'm sorry OP - it must be hideous for you, but equally, it must be hideous for someone who hasn't even promised 'in sickness and in health'.

I have zero anxiety issues, but I feel anxious just reading this thread.

This is no way to live, for either of you

YANBU

yes, he doesn't have to follow what you say in terms of the things that make you anxious he should respect that these things are real for you. He should also choose to acknowledge the difficulties it presents when these things aren't followed.

If your triggers became life prohibiting for either of you then, yes, ywbu but you aren't!!

I firmly believe it's a choice for people to accept and understand the MH difficulties of others.
OCD isn't something you can turn off at will.

I think you should speak with your partner about that outburst, he may be finding it difficult to cope with atm and that's fine. Be kind to yourself

having OCD isn't a choice

Having it might not be choice, but deciding its worth experiencing the symptoms of it can be.

The OP has said she stopped taking medication (because her DP thought it was reducing her sharpness I think).

So are the OPs current symptoms something that can't be helped, something that isn't a choice?

I'm pretty far from convinced.

It is also unfair to say that nobody accuses those with physical illnesses of being selfish or controlling. There are several threads per month with people saying that relatives are refusing to take medication, making their symptoms worse just to be the centre of attention.

If you have tried everything going and committed 100% to getting better, than it would indeed but utterly unfair to say your illness is a choice.

If your off your meds and haven't bothered with the CBT for years (like my DH) then....well...sorry but it does become at least partially a choice.

The problem with the idea that people should respect the triggers of people with OCD is that it is almost impossible to work out what they will be given none of it makes any sense to you.

Sometimes as I go to put my work bag down, I realise that DH is cringing. I can stare at the patch of floor I was aiming for all I like but I'm never going to work out why its been singled out as 'not okay'. He'll sigh like I've ruined his day and say 'oh great now I'll have to clean that again, and I'll say why what is wrong, and it'll be some long story involving having previously had some other bag there that at some point was in the back of the car less than a week after the bike and the last the bike was, was the forest where he's not certain the water in one of the streams doesn't go too close to an old mine, so obviously it would be stupid of me to put my work bag somewhere so dirty.

I literally cannot store the amount of information in my head that it would require to second guess what I should and should not be doing to avoid triggering his anxiety.

Its always obvious to him, and its never obvious to me.

So people really need to understand that it is simply not possible for the ops partner to attempt to avoid triggering her. In fact I would suggest if they are at all successful at making their relationship work it will be because she doesn't expect him to and they doesn't try.

M3lon it’s not as simple as: you take your meds, your OCD is reduced. It’s just not. There’s no magic pill. SSRIs are often prescribed, but they come with their own sets of problems and side effects, and it can be difficult to get the balance right. The poor sleep, bad dreams, nausea etc. may be worse than the OCD.
My DDs psychiatrist said he wasn’t sure whether a low dose or a high dose of a certain drug would be the best to help, as they would work on the OCD in completely different ways and come with their own downsides, too.

If the OPs medication was making her dopey, it could have made her a dangerous driver, unable to work effectively, etc.

So people really need to understand that it is simply not possible for the ops partner to attempt to avoid triggering her

It’s perfectly possibly for him to attempt to, even if it’s not always;
successful; but more importantly, it’s perfectly possible for him not to shout and swear at her.