To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

I am glad you have had a good evening, that you and your partner have talked and made up and are looking forward to some time away. It is good of you, and brave, to acknowledge and consider the different insights and perspectives aired on here.

Your OCD and associated eating disorder does seem to be taking a huge toll on you mentally and physically and I truly hope you are getting all the treatment you need and deserve.

Good luck for the future.

Personally, I don't think this is a particularly OCD-driven request. I would never go between the bin and the fridge (or anywhere else, really) without washing my hands.

On the other hand, it can be difficult to live with other people's obsessions and it may all have mounted up. I think you could both do with meeting in the middle a bit here. When you do, if DH is decent he will probably see that the swearing and ranting was U.

@saraclara I don't have a child? Sorry, you must have got me mixed up with someone else!

(For what it's worth I would love children in the future but definitely couldn't have one whilst ruled by an eating disorder & ocd!)

Well done OP, you have took the responses here so graciously too. I have much sympathy for you both for different reasons, he obviously really does love you, just got to the end of his tether (not ideal but we all have bad moments). Enjoy your time away.

@sundaybluecoffee I'm so sorry! I must have muddled you up with the poster who mentioned her child dropping her Easter egg.

My apologies.

He needs to apologise for swearing .
I am freaky about germs and DH drives me mad with his poor standards .
It's not easy, but he hasn't harmed me yet with his lesser standards.

Hi OP, I can see both sides. But I thought this very recent New York Times article might give you something to think about! I found it fascinating, about how we NEED bacteria (by germs do you mean bacteria, many of which are beneficial?) to get our immune system functioning.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/03/12/health/immune-system-allergies.amp.html

I had a very clean mother and have lots of autoimmune issues and allergies. I’m trying to bring my kids up to be reasonably grubby (I mean we have good hygiene and I’m always washing my hands etc) but to put cleaning into mental context of being part of a natural eco system of bacteria. Not just surrounded by germs.

There’s some great reading around in general about micro-biomes and bacteria. Basically, it suggests your cleaning and scrubbing might be making you sick, not preventing you from getting sick. But it might be that you know this but it’s not relevant to how OCD functions? I don’t have personal experience so don’t know.

Anyway, I’m sorry that this terrible condition is putting such a toll on both of you.

@Cafelatte2go Thank you!

theclearing that is exactly why I blew up at DH about not letting DD pick up chocolate from the kitchen floor.

We actually do need mild exposure to pathogens to stay healthy...we really do.

OP glad you got things back under control, and that you are eating and talking to your partner again.

I think there's a bit of ignorance on this thread between someone who is a bit picky about cleanliness and germs to someone who has diagnosed OCD. They're very different and one's a medical condition that cannot be helped.
I think with or without OCD, asking for someone to wash their hands between handling the bin and the contents of the fridge is not BU at all.
As for wanting an apology for being sworn at, YANBU there either and I think that's what the main issue here is.

@CatG85
"I think there's a bit of ignorance on this thread between someone who is a bit picky about cleanliness and germs to someone who has diagnosed OCD. They're very different and one's a medical condition that cannot be helped."

This.

OCD is definitely NOT a medical condition that cannot be helped. It IS a medical condition but there are a range of reasonably effective treatments and the OP is in fact engaged with several of them.

The real issue with OCD is whether people actually want to get better. My DH is on record as saying that while he does understand there are negative impacts, if presented with a magic button to cure it, he wouldn't use it, because he thinks his OCD makes him a better parent due to his enhanced risk spotting capabilities.

TBH that's the closest I've come to throwing in the towel and leaving.

I think OCD may make many people feel like they shouldn't get better because what if getting better means they make a mistake and someone gets hurt...blah blah blah.

Its horrible to see someone doing obvious actual harm to themselves and your child, in the name of mitigating the risk of fictional harm in the future.

@M3lon I didn't say there weren't treatments. My point about it can't be helped was referring to it being a medical condition, not a choice, not the OP's fault...…

The real issue with OCD is whether people actually want to get better

Depends what you mean by "better".
In the true sense of the word, i.e. as a comparative, then yes it usually can improve with therapy and/or medication.

If you mean better as we often use it in relation to health issues, i.e. gone away, then that is not necessarily the case.

It's not a choice or a fault, but sadly, on here people with this condition are being described as selfish and manipulative.

Can you imagine anyone describing someone with a physical illness or condition in such terms?

Hi OP

Washing your hands after taking the bin out is surely basic hygiene?

Either way, I appreciate what posters are saying that maybe he has had enough, however there are plenty of ways to show you're annoyed without shouting and swearing. There is absolutely no need to do this. And yes I'd expect an apology for this.

Also telling anyone with any mental health issue to just get over it shows a basic lack of understanding and empathy!

I have OCD and I am 'better' in that I manage it quite well. But one day, it will hit me a vengeance again and I will have months as a mess. It cannot be cured. People on here need to get a clue about OCD. Yes, your partner shouldn't have to tiptoe around your every trigger, but it is NOT too much to expect a life partner to have some empathy and avoid obvious, known triggers that will make the partner they supposedly love very, very ill. The way people are responding here is ridiculous. If someone couldn't get out of bed due to hardcore depression would you just tell them to get up and get over it?

I'd be afraid that the goalposts would move all the time. So your DP has OCD and you are careful not to obviously upset them, so you are forever washing your hands when going near the bin, or the fridge, and you don't do this, you don't do that because you know it's a no-no in their mind ... and then suddenly there's a whole new set of triggers that you didn't know about and you have to embrace or risk upsetting your DP. Sometimes you've just got to be yourself surely, take adequate measures but try not to let the condition rule your life too...

It must be difficult (very) for the partner of someone with severe OCD

Do you wash all food items and fruit and veg before you put in the fridge?

Just curious as I've observed farmers and shop workers and their hygiene standards are often not the best, I'm sure there has been many bins touched with no hand washing during shifts.

I think as long as you follow general guidelines you will be ok. Wash your hands before you prepare food and before you eat. And keep utensils and food surfaces clean. That is enough to prevent the consumption of germs. I don't think you can ever consider the contents of your fridge to be germ free unless you wash everything before you put them in the fridge.

This was a really interesting thread because it shows everyone has different tolerance levels (not those with OCD or Germaphobia*) to touching bins.
FWIW I'll only give my hands a good wash if i accidentally touch the grubby bit of a bin, the outside bin, or the food waste bin.

Otherwise it's a matter of getting the handles together and tying them up.

But - one thing that nobody mentioned was the OP accusing her DP of lying. I don't think that's a good thing. I think that's worth a discussion if not an apology too.

And sure, swearing at your partner and calling them crazy (although that is a catch-all term used by a lot of people when someone annoys them - it isn't always a deliberate dig at someone's mental health) isn't great, putting up with someone so controlling and disbelieving might make the most rational, calm and accommodating partner snap.

Sounds like it's all sorted out now so that's good. Communication is key.

*I kept reading German-phobia which made me snigger a bit.

It cannot be cured

This is true of my DDs OCD, too. She has it as a co-morbidity with autism; basically, she was born with it.
So sad to read the intolerance on here, and conclude that she will be derided as selfish and manipulative while those around her will get all the sympathy for having to put up with her. Yes, it’s made my life very difficult and affected the whole family, but it’s her who is suffering, and screaming inside most of the time.

but it is NOT too much to expect a life partner to have some empathy and avoid obvious, known triggers that will make the partner they supposedly love very, very ill

^Precisely.

This was probably the straw for him rather than just one comment from the op.
Yes he is meant to be supportive and empathetic etc but theres also a limit to that when its affecting your life.

I think as long as you follow general guidelines you will be ok. Wash your hands before you prepare food and before you eat. And keep utensils and food surfaces clean. That is enough to prevent the consumption of germs. I don't think you can ever consider the contents of your fridge to be germ free unless you wash everything before you put them in the fridge.

That's all fine and logical. I have an ex boyfriend who has OCD. As he made clear to me, it just isn't susceptible to logic. If it were, it would be much easier to treat. It doesn't matter if on some logical, intellectual level some part of your brain knows that things are safe. That's not what the OCD was telling him.

@Stovetop
"Do you wash all food items and fruit and veg before you put in the fridge?"

Yes, everything I buy that comes inside the house is cleaned (if it can be!). I don't however, ask that my partner cleans any of his food, I just have a separate shelf in the fridge for my stuff.

I also change my clothes when I come inside if I've sat down outside/in a car/bus etc.

Are you able to start seeing the shared fridge (between you and your dh) as an extension of the supermarket? So accept that it is still contaminated with germs, just as the food was before you bought it.

This would decrease anxiety about the cleaning the items before you put them it and about what your dh does to the fridge.

Focus on decontaminating the food from the moment you start food prep. Wash hands, foods, utensils etc before you prepare food.