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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology?

205 replies

sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 15:45

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:18

@Nicknacky I don't believe in 'fibbing' it was a lie and you don't lie in relationships end of. I'd rather he said no and apologised, instead he made himself look worse.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/04/2019 16:19

He shouldn’t have sworn but I agree with others that you can’t expect others to be ruled by your OCD and you need to bear in mind that it is probably exhausting for him too trying to keep up with things. Sometimes it just gets too much!

NCforthis2019 · 30/04/2019 16:20

I can see it both ends really OP - he shouldn't have shouted at you, but perhaps he is also exhausted being scrutinised all the time because of your OCD. I have anxiety, and i know what im like to live with - it cannot be easy. I worry about irrational things - things that you wouldn't bat an eyelid about - i don't expect my husband to understand, i dont expect him to fall in line. I know its hard to control OCD, but you must try and understand how long he has been living like this ask well - maybe he had enough that day and snapped. Either way - perhaps both of you need to apologise.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:21

I also now can't use the fridge so that's amazing. I'll have to deep clean it before I can use it again & throw away all the food.

It sounds crazy and maybe it is but the fear is debilitating and I just don't have the energy for it today so I just won't eat for a few days until I can be bothered to do it.

It's pretty common for me to avoid eating due to my OCD, I don't weigh much anymore as I've lost so much due to it. It's hard to prepare food let alone deal with a 'contaminated' fridge.

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 30/04/2019 16:21

There’s “emptying the bin” by gathering the edges of the binbag together and lifting the bag out, or there’s “emptying the bin” by having to pick things out of it that are dirty/pooey/muddy/mouldy.

It also depends on what he was doing in the fridge - if he had emptied the bin the first way and really was just retrieving an old lemon to bin it, I wouldn’t expect him to wash his hands.

If he had dirty hands and was rifling through a pack of ham then yes, that is yucky.

So you may or may not have BU depending on circs.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:23

@IHateUncleJamie he was just retrieving the lemon. It was the kitchen bin so nothing awful in it.

I definitely know I'm having an extreme reaction to what is a small event but it's so hard.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 30/04/2019 16:23

Ugh! I'm not OCD, and would not be happy if my DH did this.

But then I'm also disgusted by the number of people who don't think to wash their hands properly after going to the loo either.

Ilovetolurk · 30/04/2019 16:23

I just don't have the energy for it today so I just won't eat for a few days until I can be bothered to do it

Read that back and see how it might sound to him

Nomorepies · 30/04/2019 16:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/04/2019 16:24

I don't think its OCD to expect someone to wash their hands after dealing with the dustbins and start delving around the fridge. That's just basic hygene. Yuk and double Yuk.
Mine refuses to wash the soil off mushrooms.. just puts it all in the pot... blarrggghh.
Also. why swear at you. and tell you off about the mouldy lemon? Its not the best way of communicating. YANBU

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 16:25

Lying or fibbing, whatever you want to call it. I do think you should consider understanding how tough it must be for him at times, some posters here have been in his position and they are telling you how hard it is.

I’m not sure I could live like that, to be honest. And it’s not your fault, but it must be hard for everyone.

FookMeFookYou · 30/04/2019 16:25

Not understanding the majority of answers here... is it not basic cleanliness that you would wash your hands after touching touching the bin before you touch anything else and particularly if you were to touch things in the fridge Confused

My mum touches the bin and then she'll pick up the cloth to clean the work surfaces with out washing her hands first. It makes me feel fucking sick.

It's on a par with someone coughing and then wiping their hands on the nearest object or surface. Gross

Bubblysqueak · 30/04/2019 16:25

Hi Op, I agree with what most other posters have put, that it's not acceptable for him to swear at you, but yabu with expecting him to live to your standards.
Your comment about would you react the same if I was an autistic person having a meltdown over it- actually I would. My Ds has autism and I am very aware that the world will not change for his condition and his needs do not come above anyone elses.

Foslady · 30/04/2019 16:25

In the nicest possible way have you ever sat down with him and asked him what it really is like living with your OCD? You know what it is like for you, but how well did you know what it is like for him?

Sirzy · 30/04/2019 16:25

He was going into the fridge to remove a lemon that had gone mouldy. Surely that’s a good thing as the lemon is much more likely to cause contamination onto other food touching it than his hands where!

fblake · 30/04/2019 16:26

I haven't got OCD but I wouldn't be happy if someone emptied the bin then didn't wash their hands afterwards. To be swore at for asking them to do so isn't nice, I'd want an apology too. X

Gitfeatures · 30/04/2019 16:26

*It sounds crazy and maybe it is but the fear is debilitating and I just don't have the energy for it today so I just won't eat for a few days until I can be bothered to do it.

It's pretty common for me to avoid eating due to my OCD, I don't weigh much anymore as I've lost so much due to it. It's hard to prepare food let alone deal with a 'contaminated' fridge*

Oh fgs, get off the cross.

M3lon · 30/04/2019 16:29

This is so hard.

I can't really describe how utterly painful and....I hate to use the word...but triggering it is for people who live with someone with OCD when these incidents kick off.

Of course your DP should not swear or get angry...he should simply calmly assert that he is adhering to his own lifestyle choices and you don't get to supervise his hand washing protocols.

But honestly your DP would have to be a MUCH better person than me to be able to do that every single of the literally 1000's of times this will have come up.

My DH is currently having a flare up and I just KNEW I would eventually lose my shit. I could, and did, bend and bend and bend and bit it back over and over and over and over again....but I only have to crack once and point out what a controlling bastard he is being...and just like you, he is all full of 'why can't I be more supportive', and 'why do I blame him when he can't help it' and 'don't I know it isn't helpful to yell.'

You mention his swearing being abusive...well only if its a repeated phenomenon. Swearing once in a blue moon doesn't make you abusive to your partner.

What could well be abusive it attempting day in and day out to control your partners behaviour at a minute level. Just because controlling behaviour stems from a diagnosed illness doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I lost it because DD dropped her a big chunk of her prized easter egg onto our kitchen floor and I said '5 second rule' and told her she could still eat it. DH flipped out and screamed about not eating off the floor ever.

I told him we had agreed a long time ago and many times since that he got to make his cleanliness decisions and I mine, and that if anything we should go with mine for DD because we didn't want her to suffer as he had.

But we had a massive row...and of course its all my fault for not being more sympathetic, and accepting him controlling not just me but DD too.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/04/2019 16:29

I definitely know I'm having an extreme reaction to what is a small event

Yes, you are. Flowers Could you say exactly that to him? He must feel like a naughty child rather than a partner. That might explain why he lied about washing his hands.

I would tell him what you said above and say you’re only asking for an apology for the swearing/calling you crazy because those are unacceptable. But if you can show him that you do know your reaction was extreme then that might help?

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:29

@Gitfeatures this actually made me laugh, so thank you Grin

OCD definitely makes you a martyr at times.

OP posts:
jay55 · 30/04/2019 16:30

He should not of sworn at you and should apologise for that.

You have to stop treating him like a naughty school boy you boss around. The way you talk about him in this thread is cringeworthy.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:31

@Foslady We've done that in therapy and I make a conscious effort daily to ignore when he triggers me so I don't offend him/annoy him.

This is couldn't ignore though.

OCD is like an itch you can't scratch.

OP posts:
Farmerswifey12 · 30/04/2019 16:32

YANBU. It would have taken him 30 seconds to wash his hands, to put your mind at ease. I have diagnosed OCD too though it is now manageable and not too severe. My husband understands it as best as he can. I wouldn't expect him to act the same as me, and there are times over the years he has snapped at me and been frustrated at my behaviour. But we are a partnership and if there is a small thing he can do to help me then he does it if I ask him. I don't think asking him to wash his hands after emptying the bin is that unreasonable to be honest and my OCD isn't focused on that side of things

OliviaBenson · 30/04/2019 16:33

You won't eat food from the fridge and now want to throw away the food?

To be honest you owe him an apology. This is no way to live and I'd be furious at you wasting food like that.

I put things in our bin regularly down feel the need to wash my hands every time.

What do you think will happen to you if you eat the food in there? Serious question.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:34

@Farmerswifey12 Thank you, I'm sorry you suffer too! Well done at managing to get it from severe to manageable though!!Thanks

OP posts:
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