To want an apology?

[sundaybluecoffee]

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

My god, with every update my admiration for your dp grows and grows! How the hell does he put up with you and all your demands day after day? It comes across as all about you, your feelings, your anxiety, your issues....what about him?

@Butchyrestingface I think he meant tranquillising as I used to sleep a lot whilst on a high dose of it, I guess he thought it made me slow?

I've been on it for over 7 years on a high dosage so it's hard to start over again on one tablet. Takes ages to work too. Weaning off it last year was crap too, so many side effects.

I would only wash my hands after emptying the bin if I’d touched something wet or oily.

I don’t get sick off it.

Would you be better off living alone until this is under control?

You and he mightn’t be the best fit, either! :(

OP, you said because he'd done that you wouldn't eat dinner for a few days. More recently you've said you've not eaten dinner for the past week - what are the reasons for that?

It's really concerning.

@ladymariner I get that, mental illness is very selfish. You've made a great point, I spend all of my day thinking about what I need to do/how I need to do things/how I feel etc it can certainly come across as if I never think about him or put him first.

I always think about him though and make effort to spend quality time with him, show him I appreciate him etc.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted Because it's so hard to prepare food with OCD, I can only eat a limited amount of 'safe foods' plus I have an eating disorder too so its all just easier to avoid food.
Dinner is always the hardest as it's at the end of the day and I'm tired.

I've only had breakfast today and that took me 20 minutes to make (yogurt & muesli). I had to keep washing up & washing my hands as nothing felt clean.

@3luckystars I'd probably get worse if I lived alone actually, my therapist has always advised against that as you build up a huge barrier between you and the outside world then.

I just won't eat for a few days until I can be bothered to do it.
I don't think I've eaten dinner in about a week honestly.

Can you imagine the anger and frustration your DP might feel when you do this? It's like you're punishing him by implying he's caused you to starve... I couldn't handle that.

I have OCD, though luckily cleanliness isn't a trigger to me and 7 times to make a cup of coffee is well beyond the normal even for Germaphobes. You need to cut him some slack... as much as I know it's awful to live with OCD, he must be in hell right now.

I imagine OCD is so difficult but he must be a saint. It's hard for him too. I hope you aren't scrutinising his every move.

I'd always ash my hands after touching a bin bag, isn't it just an automatic thing? No matter how clean the outside of the bin or the bag may be.

(I guess I should add the disclaimer that my DGM had OCD, though not particularly around cleaning, and drummed it into me)

@Roussette I really try not too

@BlackPrism it's definitely not done to punish him but I can see how it may come across that way!

It's just easier for me not to eat so I tend to go with that.

@sundaybluecoffee

(Also love your username)

Thanks

A close friend of mine lives with an OCD sufferer and she suffers just as much if not more with the controlling behaviour. Her life is made hell with the constant rules and her life is miserable. Stop and think about your husband. And yes I think you were and are being unreasonable and selfish. I've suffered with OCD too as a child but stopped as saw what it was doing to people I loved. I'll never go back to that hell.

Excuse me, some of these posts are completely out of order! Of course he should have washed his hands after rummaging in the bin and going in the fridge. OCD has nothing to do with basic hygiene. I would tell my DH if he did that!

He didn't rummage in a bin. He emptied a bin, which in my world means touching the clean outside of a bin liner.

isn't it just an automatic thing? No matter how clean the outside of the bin or the bag may be

No. It isn’t.

People don’t wash their hands enough. Anyone touching food in the fridge should have washed their hands first regardless.

YANBU - where the fuck to other people on this thread get the impression that it’s fine for your husband to swear at you?!

Seriously people - this is not normal behaviour. Adults in loving relationships shouldn’t shout and swear at each other, especially when there is a mental health condition at play. Stop normalising this shitty, unjustifiable aggression.

I don’t have OCD and I’d have a row with anyone emptying bins then rummaging around in my fridge without washing their hands first. It’s disgusting.

I suspect this is going to go the way of washing your hands when you go to the toilet with half of MN insisting they didn’t bother all the time as there’s no need.

People have very different standards of basic hygiene.

Whatever the provocation you gave (and it's not exactly huge), it was not OK for him to swear at you for 2 minutes straight and belittle your MH issues.

The OP is bow going to starve herself for a few days and blame him. He probably knew he was going to pay for it.

OP, When was the last time you saw your gp? You really do need more help and support than you are getting, especially if - as it sounds here - you are literally too scared to eat anything and are washing your hands until they are raw.

With regards to the fridge, he will have only touched the door handle and the lemon, won't he?. Nothing else could possibly have germs on it, just from him doing that. So clean the door handle. The lemon is already gone. There is no need at all to throw everything away, is there? There just isn't. He didn't touch anything else.

Whilst it isn't ok for him to have a go at you and I'm not excusing that, your ocd is not only affecting you, it must be difficult for friends and family of someone who suffers the way you do.