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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology?

205 replies

sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 15:45

This probably sounds like such a juvenile issue but I really feel my DP owes me an apology.

I have OCD so super aware of cleanliness & germs, contamination anxiety takes up most of my day!

I hear DP emptying the bin (fine) and then, without washing his hands, start rummaging in the fridge (he claims to have found a mouldy lemon in there to throw away).

Cue me getting anxious about cross contamination between bin & fridge so I go ask him to wash his hands, he swore at me for about 2 minutes, called me crazy and basically wrote off and disregarded my anxiety.

I know it can be hard to live with someone with OCD & generally mine doesn't interfere with him but for him to stand there and swear at me I just found utterly rude. He's attended therapy with me & knows how OCD works and that sometimes it may seem stupid/irrational to him but is very real to me.

He's said nothing since (did wash his hands though!) and honestly I'm inclined to leave him to it and wait for an apology. I never raise my voice or swear at him, I think it's immature and abusive behaviour.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 30/04/2019 16:35

Tbh if I empty the bin I always wash my hands afterwards. Standard hygiene.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:35

@OliviaBenson It's not about him putting food in the bin, it was that he took the full bin bag out the bin and handled it THEN opened the fridge and took the lemon out.

I get scared I'll get sick.

I replace the food so no issue for him there.

OP posts:
Eliza9919 · 30/04/2019 16:35

I don't agree with the posters saying lay off him and give him some slack etc. Its basic hygiene to wash your hands after taking the bin out.

And he shouldn't be swearing at you and calling you crazy etc.

He does owe you an apology imo.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:36

@JenniferJareau and the thing is he usually does! He just didn't this time, I was quite shocked tbh as he's really hygienic usually.

(Also love your username)

OP posts:
M3lon · 30/04/2019 16:37

God I actually need to get away from this thread - its making my skin crawl.

Deciding you need to empty out the fridge and not eat anything for several days is just such horrific passive aggressive / controlling behaviour towards you partner.

'Oh DP, how could you....now I'll not eat for two days, and spend 4 hours 'decontaminating' fridge....you make me sooooo unhappy. If only you'd wash your hands according to my regime we could avoid all this!'

Honestly OP if your symptoms are that out of control you really should reconsider sharing a house with someone.

RedDogsBeg · 30/04/2019 16:39

He should apologise for swearing to you. It sounds like he remembered whilst doing the bins that there was a mouldy lemon in the fridge that needed throwing away and just went to grab it. You jumped in telling him to was his hands and he snapped probably because he is fed up of having his behaviour monitored by you.

You say how you would be with someone who had issues because you know how it feels but the point is you know how you feel because of your OCD, you can't extrapolate from that how you would treat someone else if you didn't have that knowledge. By saying you would do everything you can to comfort someone in your position you are expecting your husband to acquiesce to all your rules and conditions and be reprimanded when he doesn't. I don't think you do appreciate how hard it is to live with, you don't seem to want to compromise at all.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 30/04/2019 16:42

Blimey people give the OP a break, her DP was being unhygienic!

Illy603 · 30/04/2019 16:43

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable...

Who tf sorts dirty bins and THEN goes through the fridge?! I’d be mad at my DP for this and I don’t even have OCD. Why would you not wash your hands 😳 The fact you have ocd, severe enough to need therapy you would think he’d be a bit more sensitive to this. Sure he shouldn’t have to change because of your ocd, but that’s just common sense, dirty bins... fresh food...?!

I think he owes you an apology, especially for swearing at you for something that is completely out of your control!

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 16:45

He has just had an oversight for a second. I can easily see me having done this.

The outside of my bin is cleaned regularly and it’s just the plastic bag I grab.

I would was if I was preparing food but probably wouldn’t have thought twice to do what he did.

Original poster
sundaybluecoffee · 30/04/2019 16:46

@Illy603 & @MrsLinManuelMiranda thank you both Thanks

OP posts:
Geminijes · 30/04/2019 16:46

I would have expected him to wash his hands after rummaging through a bin, that's just basic hygiene.
As for an apology, well, it wouldn't meant anything as he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

Ilovetolurk · 30/04/2019 16:46

Blimey people give the OP a break, her DP was being unhygienic

Depends on the bin. I only touch the rim of mine when I empty it out which I keep clean anyway. i doubt OP's bin rim is anything other than totally hygenic

the outside of the bin bag itself is clean plastic straight off the roll.

TBF I do wash my hands after sorting the bin but if I was going to pick up a mouldy lemon out of the fridge I would do that first then wash my hands, as washing hands twice is not great for my skin

wigglypiggly · 30/04/2019 16:46

It seems such a waste to throw all the food out and deep clean the fridge, I understand why you feel you need to do it but I'd find it easier having separate fridges.

IvanaPee · 30/04/2019 16:46

I’d say he fibbed (and it was a fib. It’s ridiculous to say there’s no sliding scale of lying), because he didn’t want the reaction he got from you.

No the OCD isn’t your fault but it’s not his either and you must be exhausting to live with.

He loves you. He’s usually up to your standards. One time he snapped and now you don’t want to talk to him??

He sounds like a saint, to be fair!

I had a friend with OCD and I genuinely couldn’t stick her anymore. I really couldn’t, it was too hard. And I didn’t have to live with her!

BlackPrism · 30/04/2019 16:47

You wash your hands before you go in the fridge? Every time or just after touching the bin?

Nicknacky · 30/04/2019 16:47

Op, have you had a chase to think about what some of us have said about considering it from your husbands point of view?

IvanaPee · 30/04/2019 16:48

And you should try to donate that food because it’s really very distasteful to see someone throw out a fridge full of perfectly good food. Sad

Again; not your fault but still.

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 30/04/2019 16:48

Wow, this thread has shown some horrid colours. Would you say the same to somebody who had an autistic meltdown they couldn't help

People who have autism don’t seek to control others in the same way as people with OCD do.

RedDogsBeg · 30/04/2019 16:49

He wasn't rummaging in the bin he was just emptying it and i doubt very much he was carrying the actual rubbish in his bare hands.

M3lon · 30/04/2019 16:49

People are just stating the other half of this equation....which is that people make different decisions regarding hand washing, or even - heaven forbid - make errors. Living with someone who is watching your every move, criticising all your choices and making out like you are some sort of contamination machine is fucking awful.

Anyone who has done it for more than a few days shouldn't be held responsible for losing it once in while.

I had to ask permission last night to interact with a pet. This is because DH has to vet my clothing then ask me a series of questions regarding what I have done during the day in order to decide if I'm 'clean' enough to stroke the pet.

Can you imagine how that feels? To be regarded as dirty all day everyday?

Then yeah...you make a mistake and do something you probably wouldn't if you thought about it, but now you realise with cold dawning realisation that your partner is going to a) throw out ALL the food, b) martyr themselves for days refusing to eat c) spend a day cleaning the fridge.

If you honestly think you wouldn't swear then you are basically wrong.

EdWinchester · 30/04/2019 16:49

He lost his temper.

Yes, he could have been more sensitive, but I am sure living with someone with OCD can be a bloody pain in the arse. I'd give him a break tbh.

And for non-OCD types - what is so awful about not washing your hands after taking a bin bag outside? You lift the bag out of the bin - I have never got anything on my hands doing this.

Servalan · 30/04/2019 16:49

Eating food from the fridge without deep cleaning it first would be excellent exposure therapy. Are you having Exposure Response Prevention therapy along with CBT? CBT on its own isn't going to cut it in terms of dealing with OCD - you need the double pronged attack!

OCD sufferer here too. It is hard for others to understand how utterly paralysing it can be for us and the world of utter terror we sometimes inhabit.

There is also the exhaustion caused by feeling anxious all the time, compounded with feeling compelled to do things with ultra thoroughness, so I get why the prospect of feeling that you need to deep clean the fridge when you shouldn't have to seems overwhelming.

Answer this honestly though. Would you be deep cleaning the fridge if you didn't have OCD? About 5 years ago, I personally would have been similarly triggered by the scenario you describe and have deep cleaned the fridge. Now I would probably still feel some discomfort, but would not give into those urges.

Whilst acknowledging what an awful, debilitating illness OCD is for us though, as OCD sufferers, we have to understand how difficult it is for those that live with us - and as hard as it is, our illness should not be impacting other people.

Rather than giving priority to the messages our illness gives us, we need to give priority to the people we love and continually challenge ourselves and our behaviour.

Yes, he should apologise for swearing at you and calling you names. However, I think you should also cut him some slack for getting angry and snapping.

Did you come off meds with medical support? Coming off meds is a massive decision and should not be taken lightly. It may take a while for them to kick in again. In my case, the last time I came off meds (with ExH's encouragement), it led to me having a massive OCD relapse and being too scared to get out of bed. I was in such an emotional mess I had to be put on antipsychotics for a couple of months to get myself on an even keel before going back on my antidepressants). Not saying I wouldn't go off my meds again, but I would certainly do it very slowly and with medical support.

FriarTuck · 30/04/2019 16:51

Would you say the same to somebody who had an autistic meltdown they couldn't help?
Yes, on Mumsnet people would unfortunately because they really don't understand or try to understand Sad
It is revolting emptying the bin and then going into the fridge, and he should apologise for swearing, but equally I think you need to cut him some slack because OCD is your issue and not his, and it's obviously severe if you're prepared to go hungry for days because of it. Maybe have a calm conversation with him where you apologise to him for trying to control his behaviour (which, while understandable, was a tad unacceptable) and then hopefully he'll apologise to you. Giving him the silent treatment won't help anyone.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 30/04/2019 16:51

Wow, this thread has shown some horrid colours. Would you say the same to somebody who had an autistic meltdown they couldn't help?
You’re not autistic and didn’t have a meltdown and very obviously have no idea what that is or is like.

M3lon · 30/04/2019 16:51

I see the OP is only responding to people who agree with her though...no surprise there tbh.

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