TTC friend ignores my DC

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

You'll have a lot of posts defending her but i think its awful behaviour.

You know, it is possible to be someone who is struggling to conceive and be a bit of an arsehole. It sounds as though your friend is having a hard time (I remember when everyone else got pregnant and I didn’t) but this is really hard work.

When I was having fertility treatment, one leaflet said to allow yourself to avoid baby focused events (like christenings). Similarly, allow yourself to cut back on how much you see your friend - she doesn’t want to know about a huge chunk of your life.

It's wrong of her to behave like this. I'm desperate for children but unlikely to have a baby for various reasons yet I always spend time with my friends' children despite the pain of being childless.

I went to a christening recently & became a godmother even though seeing all the babies was secretly breaking my heart.

I think you sound like an amazing friend anyway tbh.

How many spa days, hotel breaks and surprise days out has she ever done for you? Is she a good friend other than the blanking of your dc?
If so I would back off a bit and give her some time to come around herself, or is she isn't a good friend I'd back away a lot from her.

Yeah prepare for some not so nice responses but in your position I would be well past it OP Her behaviour is disgusting I would walk away

YABVVU OP, spa days ect. won't sort the pain she's feeling, ignoring your DC is probably the 'least worst' option for her.

You sound like a great friend OP but I think it's time to back off. I am sorry she is struggling but after all the nice things you've done for her, she can't even have a conversation about how hurt you are? I appreciate these things won't fix her feelings or help her but it's nice for her to know she's got you there for her.

I agree with PP who said you can be an arsehole as well as dealing with the pain of struggling to TTC. I've got fertility issues but would never pull something like this, especially without even an honest conversation. I know people react differently but you are supposed to be able to talk to your closest friends about this.

As someone struggling to conceive I can very slightly understand - however, I don't back away from babies altogether, but I have some days when it's really really hard to be around them so I don't allow myself to be...

I'm wondering if maybe you should speak to your friend about it? I'm not suggesting at all this is the case but maybe she feels everything is all related to your baby and she struggles to relate. TTC is also really hard and whilst I'm super happy for my many friends and family that have fallen pregnant when I'm still trying, it can subconsciously make you feel really bitter and jealous and it could be that your friend finds it quite upsetting even though she's happy for you? Sorry if it's confusing, it's a crap situation x

Honestly OP I think she sounds like a bitch. Of course she must be in pain and so upset to not have conceived yet, but is it really realistic to ignore all kids forever? No, it's immature.

I'd leave it with her now, honestly I would have called her out ages ago, it's unacceptable, it's not like you're shoving your baby in her face constantly! You clearly care about her.

Would any of the people defending her think it's ok for a single person to ignore their friends husband?

Ps. You sound like an amazing friend. Not one of my friends have given me any support through my issues, so don't doubt you haven't done enough for her!

She's an arsehole, OP. Arseholes can also suffer from infertility just like the rest of us.

@formerbabe I'm not defending her, nor do I think ignoring a husband would be acceptable - but I think this is one OP will only be able to solve by talking to her friend and seeing how she reacts to OPs feelings?

You asked your friend to try and get to know your 6 month old baby?

You hear of this sort of behaviour many times and I can’t possibly understand how she feels but for me, I would find this behaviour unacceptable, immature and selfish. Your DD is part of your life and she needs to accept that if you are to continue to be friends.

Yanbu.

I get it's hurting her, but you just can't behave this way. If she does end up conceiving does she expect to be able to jump back like she hasn't behaved this way for the past 6 months? I would be hurt too if my friend was acting like this.

I get people deal with things differently, but I've got 2 friends TTC and was nervous about their reactions. They've been probably more interested in my pregnancy than anyone else despite me thinking I would have to keep it on the down low.

You both need an honest conversation about it, as difficult as that may be. Personally I think sending her photos of your baby is a bit much and it sounds like she may be really, really struggling. That said, if she just shuts you down and won't talk about it there is not a lot you can do. Very difficult on both sides!

Sorry, missing the point here but what so you mean when you say you're a stay at home mam and a carer????

Our meet ups are 99% of the time without my DC which is fine with me. I like the break from the house and I’m conscious of how distracted I am by my DC. When we meet our conversations are intense re BF fertility issues or adult based like going for massages or nice dinners out. I don’t want to make her jealous but I would like to be able to talk about my DD sometimes.

I know BF is jealous and I know she’s hurting. I am just trying to find a way to not feel sad that she is pretending my DD does not exist. Logically I understand her reasoning but I can’t help hurt that this tiny, lovely person is being ignored and resented.

What happens when BF has her own baby, hopefully sooner rather than later? Will my DD be allowed to be mentioned then?

My DS is asked about and comments on his photos but DD is ignored.

I’ve never had trouble conceiving so I cannot completely understand from her point of view. I’ve tried but it’s 6 months in now and DD isn’t going away...

Crunchymum I have a disabled DS so am his full time carer.

Do you know what the best thing your BF could do?

• take your 6 mo for the whole day and perhaps overnight.

Conception and pregnancy is 'a cascade of miracles' (quote of a midwife after I miscarried).

It is a well known phenomenon, that looking after a tiny baby can often provoke conception.

Maybe because hormones fall into place, or the preoccupation of the baby stops stress, but we hear of couples who adopt then conceive their own child.

The inuit (Eskimos) would give a woman struggling to fall pregnant, a child to look after.

Whatever her situation, as your friend she should be supportive and show interest in your DCs! YANBU.

Honestly, it's like TTC gives some people the right to behave selfishly and shitly. You can't edit the world because you're sensitive to it.

A good friend should be happy for you and with you.

(FWIW I've struggled with infertility).

Sorry OP, apparently that is an old wives tale so I take it back:

Am J Obstet Gynecol. 1979 May 15;134(2):138-44.
Does adoption affect subsequent fertility?

Lamb EJ, Leurgans S.
Abstract
A hypothesis derived from the old wives' tale that adoption increases subsequent fertility was tested by analysis of follow-up data obtained from 895 couples who were "at risk" of pregnancy and of adoption after they had registered in the Stanford Infertility Clinic between 1963 and 1977. Of the 767 couples who did not adopt, 329 later conceived; of the 128 who did adopt, 41 later conceived. Simple comparison of the percentages or, indeed, of the life tables suggests reduced fertility after adoption. However, this is probably a spurious effect related to a number of factors which differ between two groups. These differences were controlled in the statistical analysis by methods which take into account the length of time each couple was at risk of either conception or adoption and the presence or absence of explanatory variables. The relative risk of conception estimated by the Cox model was not significantly different from 1 and the Mantel-Haenszel statistic (m = 0.208) indicates no significant difference in subsequent conception rates between adoptive and not-adoptive couples. The same methods were used to control for seven covariates, including age and duration of infertility, which could affect conception rates. In each instance, the estimate of relative risk of conception for adoptive versus not-adoptive couples was not significantly different from 1. Therefore, our data do not support the hypothesis that adoption affects subsequent fertility.

So the baby us disabled?

Could this be the reason for her distance?

My 15mo is registered disabled and some people just don't / won't / can't acknowledge it?

It is a well known phenomenon, that looking after a tiny baby can often provoke conception.

Got any research data for that, @ScreamingLadySutch ?