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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

TTC friend ignores my DC

203 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 28/04/2019 19:08

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

OP posts:

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 30/04/2019 20:01

This is what my husband wrote in the note he left me just before killing himself a couple of months after our final round of IVF failed.

"I can't go on knowing that I can never be a father. Whenever I see a child I imagine what ours would have been like. Would they have had my eyes and your hair? Would they have been clever/short/tall or, god forbid, interested in trains like your dad. I then wonder what it would have felt like holding them and showing them the world, our world. Would they have played rugby?
I think all of that in the millisecond that it takes me to look at a child and to remember that I can never be that parent. I will never hear someone call me daddy or you mummy. We will never have that life where we fit into society and are considered normal."

Constance1234 · 30/04/2019 20:15

Leighhalfpennysthigh That is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you have gone through such an awful time.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 30/04/2019 20:25

Leighhalfpennysthigh I can’t begin to understand your loss but I am so sorry that you’ve had such pain in your life. X

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 30/04/2019 20:26

I do feel for people suffering from secondary fertility, but the very simple truth is that it is not the same as never, ever being able to have a child. My husband and I would have been so grateful for one. So yes, us barrens do judge you because you have a child. We don't. We will never.

CheeseIsEverything · 30/04/2019 20:43

Leigh

Constance1234 · 30/04/2019 21:17

I do feel for people suffering from secondary fertility That's a really kind thing for you to say. I would never presume to equate my secondary infertility with someone's primary infertility. I was trying to make that point to the angry self-centred poster from earlier, but all she could write was 'Thanks for the pile on. Really helps me stay positive.' I hope they read your comments Leighhalfpennysthigh and start to realise how fortunate they actually are.

LuvSmallDogs · 30/04/2019 21:21

Just stop contacting her and let her stew by herself, seeing as that’s obviously what she wants.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 21:56

and start to realise how fortunate they actually are

I understand your point but please don’t say that to someone who has secondary infertility. It takes away their right to grieve and process what is happening because someone is trying to jolly you along.

I understand why the PP got upset. It’s a line that’s often said to people who secondary infertility and it’s utterly crap.

Leigh

Hippee · 30/04/2019 22:15

It's not a rational thing - some people just can't cope with seeing babies when they can't have them and can't pretend that they can. I had a lovely friend who told me that she couldn't see me any more after I got married - because I'd "probably have children now" - this was a very extreme reaction and I was really sad to lose her, but I respected that she just couldn't cope with it. She also stopped seeing her best friend once she had children - they are now back in touch but it took a long time. Sadly, I think you just have to let her know that you are there for her and wait for her to feel strong enough, if you want to keep the friendship.

Constance1234 · 30/04/2019 22:26

JacquesHammer If you read all of my post instead of quoting out of context you will see I am suffering from secondary infertility myself, certainly not trying to jolly anyone on at all!

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 22:38

If you read all of my post instead of quoting out of context you will see I am suffering from secondary infertility myself, certainly not trying to jolly anyone on at all!

I’d be utterly amazed if no-one has said it to you then!

because secondary infertility is devastating.

Lifeover · 30/04/2019 23:00

Leighslfpennysthigh I’m
So sorry for what you have gone through. When people make throwaway comments like “ I understand infertility is bad but....” they have absolutely no understanding at all about it’s all consuming nature and the way it affects every thought and action.

I really hope you are finding a path through your grief.

4andAbit · 30/04/2019 23:18

She may struggle but it's not hard to be happy for some one u care about regardless of the situation. She could atleast pretend to care.

CheeseIsEverything · 30/04/2019 23:20

but it's not hard to be happy for some one

Well yes it absolutely can be hard in this situation.

CheeseIsEverything · 30/04/2019 23:21

In fact I'd go so far as to say it can be impossible when you're in the throes of it.

Lifeover · 30/04/2019 23:25

And I agree secondary infertility is devastating, it brings a whole different set of issues, the person you love most in the world begging to the point of tears every day for a sibling is probably the worst although you are a parent you’re constantly made to feel shit by other parents, constant references to how awful it is for only children how they’re weird etc.how easy you have it with just the one. Every child related activity reminds you you have failed not only you and your husband but also your child. Every child related activity has a sibling discount, great um subsidising other people’s success at providing a sibling, family tickets for two adults and at least 2 kids cos obviously were not a family.

All efforts to have another have to be weighed against the effect on your child

It’s a different pain to primary infertility but still an all consuming pain

ChocoCrocc · 30/04/2019 23:49

My only experience of secondary infertility is of being the child in the scenario.

I hope posters don't mind me commenting but I just wanted to say I absolutely adore my Mum and Dad. I had a happy and contented childhood. I may have asked for a sibling not knowing the pain it caused my mum then but when I look back now as an adult, I know I never went without just because I was an only child. The bond I have with my parents is incredible and I thank God for them both every day.

I can't imagine how you feel but I do believe that one day your children will look back and think like me, you aren't failing them.

julensaor · 01/05/2019 00:58

The friendship is kind of done OP. You sound like a really really lovely person, who I would cherish as friend. But what if she never has a baby? Your beautiful little girl is a jealous reminder to her forever, What if she has a baby, you are expected to be so happy and welcoming (which from your posts, I think you would be) but still your little DD is a glitch that can never really be spoken about I depth. Being infertile is nobodies fault, certainly not your fault and not your little girl's fault, don't put up with that from anyone. She does not need to know her or meet her, I'd be ok with that but the fact you can't mention her is extreme.

Patienceisvirtuous · 01/05/2019 01:46

These threads make me so sad - the sheer lack of empathy and understanding from posters who haven’t experienced the horror of long-term infertility.

OP, just give your friend a break and yourself if you need one from her. If she’s always been a lovely person, she still will be, it’s just the grief affecting how she acts.

Infertile women get such a rough fucking ride from some women, they really do. If you aren’t getting much out of a friendship from them and resent it, just distance yourself and do them a favour?

Before I had DS, after years of infertility and losses, I was so consumed with my grief and emptiness that I didn’t think I could carry on much longer. All my former interests felt pointless. And I couldn’t bear to sit with my friends who were all mothers, discussing normal life together, while I felt like a complete and utter lonely failure.

I hope your friend gets her baby OP. And if I were you i’d have this thread deleted - all the posts calling her a bitch etc are awful.

julensaor · 01/05/2019 02:02

The lack of empathy and understanding is a two way street @Patienceisvirtuous. Infertility is not an excuse for being unsympathetic, distant, uncaring or dismissive of a friend. Just like having a friend with a cancer diagnosis is either. There is no difference. You can offer to help them, give them time, do your best and if they can't accept, then you have to move on.

Patienceisvirtuous · 01/05/2019 02:05

Case in point julen 😑

julensaor · 01/05/2019 02:50

Like everything else in life, who knows what burden we will carry in life... but always be personally accountable to how you treat others. 🦉

SerenDippitty · 01/05/2019 06:13

She may struggle but it's not hard to be happy for some one u care about regardless of the situation. She could atleast pretend to care.

You really really don’t get it. It is hard. OP’s Friend is happy for her but those feelings are being overwhelmed by sadness for her own situation. When I was in this situation it was myself and my own stupid useless body that couldn’t do the one thing it was designed to do, that I hated. I felt so inadequate and unwomanly. Other women only had to go to bed with their partner and have sex a few times and bingo.

CheeseIsEverything · 01/05/2019 06:22

It's been 6 months for Godsake. All these people saying 'she can't do this forever'. She probably won't act like this forever but it's not been a very long time yet has it and she's still going through IVF which affects you massively. Just give the woman a break.

I've said it before in this thread and I'll say it again, it's shit for OP, she sounds like a nice person but she is the one in the fortunate position here. Having your friend not want to get to know your baby (right now) and going through infertility are really nothing alike. I know which one I'd choose.

And again, it is not always possible to think logically, sympathetically or empathically when you're in the throes of something like this.

It's easy for you to sit here and say she should do this but it's a very different story when you're in the mental torture of it.

Lifeover · 01/05/2019 07:23

@Chococrocc thank you your post means more than you could know.

People’s response to infertility never ceases to amaze me. People are on here saying how infertility caused their DH to take their own life, they have been told 1 in 5 people experiencing infertility have contemplated taking their own life because of it. Yet they are told to just get over it, be happy for someone else stop being selfish.

Can you imagine this in any other situation. Imagine a person getting cancer which could potentially kill one in 5 suffers where the person suffering is told just get over it, be happy for the people who have not got cancer, just be more positive, you’re a nasty cow not going round celebrating the fact your friend has just been told they are in perfect health and going to have a long life. You should fit the visit in between hospital visits no matter how crap the illness and medication make you feel.

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