TTC friend ignores my DC

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

If your mum passed away would you suddenly refuse to ever see her mum, talk about her mum or ignore her text about the nice lunch she took her mum for on mother's Day?

Maybe it's just me but I don't think this comparison is unreasonable... I wouldn't dream of texting my friend about my mother's day lunch if they just lost theirs.

I have a colleague at work who lost their mum around 2 years ago and she was absolutely broken by it. One of her friends did exactly this, text her quite a number of times about how her and her mum were doing x y or z. It caused so much upset for my colleague who was struggling daily not to think about it. Just why? It's hardly difficult to not mention your mother to one person because you know it will cause them pain.

Not saying it's the same as OPs situation, just the comparison made me think of my colleague.

I think your friend is doing the best she can. Why not leave it up to her to ask for baby photos and updates when she feels ready?

I am not pushing their relationship. I tried to bring it up but BF cried and said she was jealous and can’t stand to look at my DD so the conversation ended as I didn’t like to upset her. It’s been a week but I still feel sad about the situation.

So she has told you how she is feeling and you feel sad still a week later. Imagine how she feels!

I couldn’t attend my own DN christening because I had just had IVF and had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I didn’t want to give thanks for someone else’s child, I wanted my own. I wanted to rage that it wasn’t fair she had had her 3rd and I had lost another pregnancy. Thankfully my SIL didn’t send me endless photos to remind me of what I couldn’t have! I saw pics of FB and dutifully liked but I couldn’t be around babies in general.

I think, and I may be off-beam here but I don't think I am, that the reason she can cope with pics etc. of your disabled DS is because she's NOT envious of you having him.

Or more likely that as DS is 3 years old op had DS before friend, who has been TTC for 3 years, realised she had issues. It is easier to be around DC who are already here and you know before it hits you that you are not getting pregnant. It’s only when you are not getting pregnant every month that other people’s new born babies make you feel like your heart is being ripped out.

I reacted badly to friends babies when TTC, in the sense that I was unwilling to hold them and would offer only a short; “cute” or “how clever”.... if anyone asked me about when I wanted kids I told them I didn’t like children (which is true but I do like some).

Two of my bff’s knew I was desperate for children, and they were always sensitive with thier god children etc (Note not even thier own kids but v proud god parents) Didn’t stop me listening about how “violet is so clever at x, y and z” and I loved seeing what they’d got them. But they would say things like had to go do x or y for godchilds parent ... then wait for me to ask. If I had a bad day, I simply wouldn’t ask.

Cutting out all talk of baby’s and children wasn’t fair on my friends, but I did cry occasionally once I’d seen photos of them. It seems to get harder the longer you’re trying for them, but I’d accepted that my nephews and god children could fill the void after a few years. I’ve had my own now and I’m glad I didn’t reject the other children, it’s not their fault my body was causing me pain.

I’m sorry that was long... but your friend isn’t being much of a friend currently. She’s probably very focused and highly stressed, and maybe bitter? I was bitter my SIL got pregnant within one month of starting to try (not my finest point) but you might find it useful to distance yourself slightly. Your relationship could well be hurting both of your feelings currently x

So many off whack posts here.

Op - agreed, you sound like a lovely friend and you clearly care for your friend and want to support her.

And I don’t want this to sound unkind, but no amount of spa days and nice dinners are going to put the smallest dent in the pain of fertility issues.

Been there myself and to the pp who said “only been three years” 🤣 - those will have felt like thirty to op’s friend.

Back off a bit. Let her know you love her and you’re here whenever she needs you.

Infertility makes people do strange things and she is no doubt breaking her heart. She’ll be wound up with jealousy and probably hating herself.

Very difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it yourself. I know it seems like she’s being a bitch, but she isn’t.

💐

You sound a great friend OP, and all the people saying that spa days and lunches dont make up for what shes going through clearly wont be satisfied until you give her your child.

You cannot take someones pain away but it sounds like you have been a pillar of support and a great ear.

Personally I think your friend is being vile ignoring your child. I'm sure you would be sensitive enough not to talk endlessly about mother issues but ultimately this is your child and a huge part of your life and your friend ignoring her is unacceptable. Infertility does not give someone a pass to be so rude. I think you should fade out this friendship.

This would destroy a friendship for me unfortunately. The jealousy wouldn’t be tolerated in any other aspect of life and I just don’t think it’s ok for people to behave like this towards their friends just because they have a child. Their friends child doesn’t effect their infertility at all.

I understand it’s a mental health issue though and I can’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to conceive but the bottom line is, it’s unfair to take that out on someone just because they’ve successfully had a child.

Having a child is a blessing, not a curse.

Infertility does not give someone a pass to be so rude

No it doesn't but it's helpful to understand that it does make people react in a way that isn't usually them. Much like depression etc...

It isn't that the person is vile or a bitch or a selfish arsehole. They are going through something terrible which is affecting the way they are acting. I'm not saying it's right or that OP should just accept it but people seem to have no appreciation for the damage this situation can do to a persons mental health.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to conceive but the bottom line is, it’s unfair to take that out on someone just because they’ve successfully had a child

If you could imagine it, you'd understand it isn't that easy or simple.

That's very bad form. Does she ignore every child she meets or just yours?

and all the people saying that spa days and lunches dont make up for what shes going through clearly wont be satisfied until you give her your child

What a daft comment. What people are saying is that the pain of infertility won’t be lessened by a lunch or a spa day.

Is that really so hard to understand.

OP you sound like a lovely, understanding friend. Keep on as you are, your DD won’t remember or resent the fact your friend doesn’t want to discuss her when she’s 6 months old.

I think you sound like an extremely generous and wonderful friend. The only thing I wouldn’t do is send her baby photos... it can be incredibly triggering for women struggling with infertility.

I had two miscarriages in 2017 and following the first one in particular, I was absolutely distraught. I would see a photo of a baby on the front of a magazine in a shop and burst into tears. I had to block some people on social media because I couldn’t stand to see pregnancy/baby photos- it destroyed me. I can’t imagine how I’d have coped if a close friend had a baby during that period, I think I’d have had a total meltdown.

It’s difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it yourself but I do completely get her perspective. Some people struggling with fertility are absolutely fine when faced with other people’s babies or they will deal with it and go home to cry afterwards. It sounds like your friend just can’t deal with it whatsoever.

It may get easier for her once your baby grows up a little. If you consider her a good friend then maintain the relationship but if she is dragging you down it may be time to let the friendship go.

I don't understand why people keep telling the OP to talk to her friend. She did. Her friend cried and said she was jealous. She didn't offer to try and work on it. Now OP has to decide how to deal with that.

I think this massively depends on how good a friend she normally is. If this feels like a manifestation of a larger self-centredness, step away. If it feels out of character then I'd be inclined to try and stay patient and see it as a sign of the pain she's in.

I've been person A, who struggles to be around other people's babies and pregnancies, and I've been person B, whose pregnancy and baby was ignored by a close friend having fertility treatment. I would pick being person B so many, many times over. People who try and suggest that both people are suffering equally have absolutely no idea what it's like to be person A.

Is that really so hard to understand whats hard to understand is why people are supposed to put up with horrible treatment from friends because they are going through infertility.
I think OP should be applauded for how much she has been there for her friend and gone above and beyond to support her.

it’s unfair to take that out on someone just because they’ve successfully had a child
This is assuming that their behaviour is adopted to upset OP. Of course it isn't, they are acting as they are to protect themselves from hurt, not to hurt the person.

When you have a child, they become you whole life and its hard to appreciate that others don't care much beyond being happy for you. When you go through infertility, it is hard to understand that other people go on with life and enjoying their children even if they feel sadness for you.

I think sending her pictures was on the insensitive side but she also need to acknowledge your child in some way. The banning is rather extreme. I admit that l have hidden a lot of people on Facebook as l am tired of their baby and pregnancy photos being rubbed in my face. In my experience people can be so insensitive e.g. me mentioning to a friend l felt low about struggling to conceive and l was going to try to arrange some things to keep busy / distract myself a bit. Her answer was she wants to go on holiday but paying for childcare for her 3 children is so expensive that she can't. Hmm thanks for that 🙄 that was rather thoughtless and self absorbed

whats hard to understand is why people are supposed to put up with horrible treatment from friends because they are going through infertility

And nobody said that either. But it’s an acknowledged phenomenon that grief can fundamentally affect behehaviour so I would rather not lose a long-standing friendship if a bit of understanding was required.

I've been person A, who struggles to be around other people's babies and pregnancies, and I've been person B, whose pregnancy and baby was ignored by a close friend having fertility treatment. I would pick being person B so many, many times over

Me too. 1000% times over.

I've never been as low as I was during those years.

I think fertility issues often lead to depression and other mental health troubles. I think some posters think it's as easy as just getting on with it is pretty ridiculous.

I appreciate how awful infertility must be- but why should OP want to continue a friendship that shuts out a huge part of her life.

To be honest, having my own baby made me feel less sympathy for women who demand that their infertile friends participate in the celebration of their pregnancies and babies, not more. The whole world is lining up to congratulate pregnant women, and to coo over little babies. To demand it from people who it hurts is so selfish.

In the OP's case, I can see how it's less about the celebrating and more about wanting to be able to discuss this huge part of her life, and I do get that. Realistically, since OP says that she doesn't have anything else to talk about, it's always going to be hard to maintain a close friendship with someone who doesn't have children the same age, even if happily so. Not many people want to talk about babies constantly unless they are in the same stage themselves. Conversely, I can see how talking about TTC and her friend's job isn't that much fun for the OP. It sounds like it might be a friendship that's run its course.

You don't have to continue the friendship. Just like you don't have to continue a friendship with a friend suffering from depression etc...

But posters labelling her vile, a bitch, a selfish arsehole are absolutely lacking in any form of understanding or compassion.

In this scenario, OP is the one in the fortunate position. She doesn't have to continue her friendship no but she should be understanding that her friend is probably not being herself right now and the reasons as to why that may be. I bet it isn't just because she's an arse.

I think @ThumbWitchesAbroad has hit the nail on the head and I'd go with her advice.

Back away from her. Yes, infertility is a terrible and painful thing to go through, but taking it out on DD is appalling. Being infertile and having IVF doesn't give you a free pass to behave badly. Maybe give the friendship a rest. I'd be hurt to see someone ignoring little children too, whatever they're going through.

I don't really know what you want from this thread? It sounds like you friend has been very honest with you and told you she's jealous...

Just leave it now, if you want a friendship with her continue doing stuff without kids. As a SAHM having adult time and company is great

I've just noticed that, quite tellingly, OP says:

This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose

Not don't, shouldn't. If this is a friend since childhood then do you actually have much in common any more? If not, then the infertility thing is a bit of a red herring in some way. Friendships that rest on just swapping details of your lives are often outgrown once those lives get out of sync.

but taking it out on DD is appalling

Slightly dramatic. The OPs child is 6 months old and has no idea what is going on.

She isn't trying to talk to/play with with OPs friend and being flat out ignored or shoo'd off, she's not even aware of anything.