TTC friend ignores my DC

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

I think you’ve been massively insensitive bordering on cruel by pushing updates and photographs of a newborn on her when you’re aware she is struggling. Your child is six months old. She neither knows who your BF is nor cares about what she does. You’re not doing this for the sake of your child as you claim. BF is supposedly your friend, not DDs. I actually think you’re being doubly cruel because if she wasn’t TTC you would just be told that maybe she wasn’t very interested, but you seem to use her fertility problems as a stick to beat her with eg, you’re trying to get pregnant so you must like children therefore you should be making a fuss of mine.

You’re doing this because you want to control your friend and demand that she makes a fuss over your DD purely because you seem to have jettisoned the rest of your personality and you don’t have any interests or past times apart from your children. I mean, do you not watch films or read books, exercise, have hobbies or keep abreast of current affairs? Have you not got anything outside your kids to talk about?

If you haven’t, that’s your problem, not hers. If you’re incapable of maintaining a friendship which doesn’t revolve around your children then you need to accept that will limit you to a very small pool of potential friends which won’t include BF.

If you have the slightest shred of decency just leave her alone and stop trying to force her child on her when you know she struggles with it. You clearly don’t actually care about her and are far too self absorbed to consider how much you might be hurting her, you really should just leave her alone. It doesn’t sound like your friendship would be much of a loss to her.

I think, and I may be off-beam here but I don't think I am, that the reason she can cope with pics etc. of your disabled DS is because she's NOT envious of you having him. She's envious of you having your DD because she's not disabled and so she can't deal with that at all.

This x1000

I'd find this very hard to deal with, and would distance myself from her. She's acting like a shit.

@CheeseIsEverything
It’s as simple as we make it sometimes unfortunately. You’d have a pretty lonely life if you went around ignoring everyone because they’ve had a child.

Being that person doesn’t make the situation any easier, you then have no child and no friends.

I think, and I may be off-beam here but I don't think I am, that the reason she can cope with pics etc. of your disabled DS is because she's NOT envious of you having him. She's envious of you having your DD because she's not disabled and so she can't deal with that at all

Or it’s far more likely given the timings, she has none of the additional feelings to deal with given DS is 3 and she’s been trying for 3 years. It could well be OP had her son before the friend even started trying.

‘You clearly don’t actually care about her and are far too self absorbed to consider how much you might be hurting her’

It’s pretty messed up that someone having a child hurts another person because they are struggling to conceive.
It’s OPs and her partners baby, TTC aside, this behaviour is disgraceful towards a seemingly close friend who has has a child. Fertility struggles are not a stick to beat someone with, and op definitely isn’t the self absorbent one.

It’s as simple as we make it sometimes unfortunately. You’d have a pretty lonely life if you went around ignoring everyone because they’ve had a child

Well yes... Often people suffering mentally are lonely. I was incredibly lonely when it was me in that position. Would you tell someone suffering from depression that it's as simple as they choose to make it?

Oh and the friend isn't ignoring OP. It sounds like she still responds when the messages aren't about her DD.

It’s pretty messed up that someone having a child hurts another person because they are struggling to conceive

I'll assume seen as one of your previous posts said you 'can't imagine not being able to conceive', that you've never actually been through the situation you seem to feel you understand so well?

I would find it very difficult to remain friends with someone who was OK with talking about one of my children and ignoring the other.

"so I'll just let you come to me when you're ok with the idea of accepting DD is in our lives now"

I think Thumb's advice is great. I would definitely say something like the above to your friend.

@CheeseIsEverything should everyone just stop having kids whilst their friends are struggling then just to avoid upsetting and offending them?

Why should we have to pretend our children don’t exist when someone is struggling to TTC? I’ve known people who have never successfully had their own biological child, and have in no way been bitter.

There’s a lot to be thankful for, with science and medical progression, nobody should have to feel ashamed of their children or have to treat them like a dirty secret just to not offend someone.

Infertility isn’t a get out of jail free card to be a dick to your so called close friends when they have kids.

Feelings, of course. But acting on them? We’re adults and although we cannot control how we feel, we can control how we go forward. There is absolutely no reason to be so rude and ignorant to a close friend.

Or it’s far more likely given the timings, she has none of the additional feelings to deal with given DS is 3 and she’s been trying for 3 years. It could well be OP had her son before the friend even started trying.

Or that it's far easier to engage with a three year old who has a personality, than 'get to know' a small baby who doesn't do a whole lot other than eat, sleep, gurgle...? Their meetings are mostly without the baby, having meals or massages, so I'm not entirely sure what the OP expects from her friend -- special 'Getting To Know You, Baby' sessions?

I have never had fertility issues, and had the child I wanted when I wanted it, but I would be baffled by a request from a friend that I 'get to know' her small baby, and probably snort inwardly. And the idea that a baby is being 'ignored and resented' by someone who doesn't explicitly respond to portions of text messages which mention the baby is mad.

OP, your friend is interested in everything to do with your three year old, when you say other friends have distanced themselves because of his disability (which is shitty) -- this friend is clearly involved with him, and wants to know all about him, because they have a history, and he is a small person she knows and is invested in. Why not be happy about that, and put her relationship with your baby aside for the moment? It seems deeply strange to me that you're so insistent on it.

Would it help to flip the situation and imagine her visibly switching off at the mention of/distancing herself from your disabled three year old (as you say other friends have), while being all enthusiastic about your able-bodied baby? I think that would be far more unpleasant.

Why should we have to pretend our children don’t exist when someone is struggling to TTC?

So if you have a friend who just isn’t particularly interested in your children or anyone else’s do you think they’re beholden to listen to you bang on about your tedious offspring (and believe me to 99.99999% of humanity they are exceedingly dull).

Or is it just infertile women who are obliged to fawn over every single child?

I have stayed away from my nephews during the baby phase while going through infertility issues. I was only able to be around them when they were bigger. Difference is that their mums cared about me and so made an effort to understand what I was going through. I don’t think OP has even asked the question re how her friend feels around dd.

should everyone just stop having kids whilst their friends are struggling then just to avoid upsetting and offending them?

Well that's not what anyone is saying is it... Don't be purposefully obtuse.

My point is that whilst it's not a great way to behave, I understand and have sympathy.

I can separate someone being a selfish bitch or vile person, to someone acting out of character due to the immense grief and suffering they are going through.

It's an absolutely real possibility that OPs friend is suffering depression because of this. I did. So did most of the women I met going through the same thing. So I ask again, would you say this stuff to someone with depression? Or would you have more understanding that they probably aren't themselves right now and though acting unreasonably, may not be a horrible person.

they’re beholden to listen to you bang on about your tedious offspring

Why is it ok for people to say this about people and their children. I listen to my friends tedious dating stories, their tedious jobs, their tedious first homes etc....you either take an interest in your friends or you dont and it becomes all you you you

It’s OPs and her partners baby, TTC aside, this behaviour is disgraceful towards a seemingly close friend who has has a child. Fertility struggles are not a stick to beat someone with, and op definitely isn’t the self absorbent one.

How has she used this as ‘a stick to beat her with’. She’s not actually said or done anything.

She was friends with the OP before children, it’s not the friend who has changed, it’s the OP. The OP cannot imagine friendship with someone who is not particularly interested in her children. That’s her problem, not her friends.

I would unfortunately, I couldn’t hold a friendship with someone if my children couldn’t be a part of that and I felt shamed and as though I was doing something wrong by mentioning them.

Oh and it's incredibly easy to sit there and say how you would act or deal with a situation you've never been in and judge someone who is living it and not acting the way you think that you would.

You could say that about most things, it doesn’t make that persons behaviour ok or justifiable.

Cheese is right.

If you don’t have the empathy to understand how primal the op’s dfs response is I despair.

My story: should have name changed but fuck it.

Try for 3 months
Miscarriage (on my birthday no less)
Try 7 months
Miscarriage (Christmas Eve. Merry fucking Christmas to you too)
4 rounds of IVF, £20k funded by us

Finally, DD born after 8 years of trying
Miracle natural pregnancy lost after 16 weeks - baby had severe chromosomal abnormalities.

So apologies if I hid in my house for about 5 years, cried and cried in John Lewis whilst buying new baby presents and the 10 years of anti depressants and thousands of pounds I’ve spent on counselling because the NHS is too stretched.

Like I said, give her some space. That’s the best thing you can do as the lovely friend you clearly are.

Perhaps it's just too painful for her. I think you shouldn't push her.

You are quite right to feel hurt .
To say she could not stand to look at your DD is wrong. Yes she is jealous and has problems, but that does not excuse her.
You sound a very good friend.
Your DD has done nothing wrong and you should be able to enjoy her.

@Trooperslaneagain ‘So apologies if I hid in my house for about 5 years, cried and cried in John Lewis whilst buying new baby presents and the 10 years of anti depressants and thousands of pounds I’ve spent on counselling because the NHS is too stretched’

I’ve written my response a few different ways here and it’s tough when I don’t want to offend. I can completely understand the hurt of something, for example I lost my mum really suddenly to cancer, I didn’t however... take that out on my friends or my husband and start ignoring the fact that they have living mums who they loved and spent time with. I couldn’t allow myself to feel jealous of that, it wasn’t their fault I didn’t have my mum anymore.

It is a different situation, but it’s never ok to completely ignore someone’s child if you’re close friends or related, we can all understand to some extent how it must feel to be struggling with conception and pregnancy, but nobody deserves to have that taken out of them for just living their life the way we all should.

Should be able to’

If you don’t have the empathy to understand how primal the op’s dfs response is I despair

Absolutely. I'd cross the street to avoid a pregnant woman or hide posts on social media when someone announced their happy news so that I could pretend it hadn't happened, it's a coping mechanism. I honestly feel like there wasn't a single day where I didn't break down in tears for a number of years.

For me having a child felt like an instinctive need. Having that primal need for something and then having it not happen over and over again is absolute torture. It's impossible to forget about and it's impossible to actually fully understand or appreciate until you've been through it. I actually think I went a bit crazy for a while. Genuinely, I do.

If you honestly think it's as easy as just 'getting on with it' then you clearly can't imagine or understand at all.

It may not justify behavior but it certainly explains it to me anyway.

I find this insistence some people have that if someone's your friend they should talk a lot about your child very strange. Most of my friends don't have children and we don't talk much about DS because what would they say? We also don't talk that much about work or houses - some of you need new, more interesting friendships!

Incidentally, I don't think any of my male friends without children have asked anything about DS (and the dads only manage the odd 'how's little one?'), and I think they'd be a bit nonplussed if I sent them unsolicited photos of him - does that mean they're all terrible friends who I should ditch? Or is it ok, because it's just women who are supposed to be invested in their friend's children?