TTC friend ignores my DC

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

You may need to take a long hard look at the dynamics of this relationship. Its only natural to want to protect your friend but relationships need to be reciprocal or their not really a relationship and certainly not a friendship. One of my BFs had a mmc a year before I conceived DD. I felt so bad and was always trying to protect her but found that when I needed support (we nearly lost DD post birth) she barely even cared. She now has a baby (and was pregnant when DD was born) and I've only seen her once when she wanted to borrow something. She didnt even acknowledge DD except for a shitty comment about how easy I'd had it because DD is now old enough to have the odd half hour on the play mat. I've had a lot of therapy and realised that the friendship has actually become quite toxic to me.

Your friend is dealing badly with her pain & disappointment
And I understand it but no it’s not acceptable.youve been a good friend to her
She needs a level of resilience to protect herself and not project her pain and disappointment onto your child
You're not the only mum she’ll encounter she cannot emotionally function by ignoring children

She’s grieving, grief does strange things to people. Sometimes seeing your best friend have something so easy that you want, that’s consumed every waking hour is just too much to bare.

Everyone reacts different to grief. She’s probably so buried in her grief she hasn’t really thought how she is reacting to your DC. Rather she is just in self preservation mode. 1 in 5 people who are experiencing infertility have contemplated suicide. It’s perfectly feasible your friend is the one in five. If she forced herself to be all nice about your good luck it might just be too much for her.

Why do you need to send her photos of a baby? Why does she need to get to know your 6 month old?

I'm not saying her behaviour is acceptable, but there's a big difference between not being able to bring up your baby in conversation, and expecting her to respond to photos of your baby

crunchymum the op said she has a son who is disabled. Her Dd is obviously her 2nd child.

Yanbu op the friendship is one sided and as hard as I may try I'd be hurt at not even a mention of my child.

Crunchymum My DS who is 3 is severely disabled. BF shows a great interest in his life and health and always ask for pics of him and updates. Some friends have distanced themselves

Bambamber I don’t send her pics of DD anymore but did when she was first born. It’s just natural to share pics of your baby with your BF isn’t it? Our lives and families are very close - her brother is my DD’s godfather. It seems sad to me that DD won’t be included.

I am not pushing their relationship. I tried to bring it up but BF cried and said she was jealous and can’t stand to look at my DD so the conversation ended as I didn’t like to upset her. It’s been a week but I still feel sad about the situation.

This is such a shame. Having sadness and troubles in your life shouldn't mean you can never be happy for and share in others' joy. I think she's behaving terribly and not at all like a friend shoukd behave. Do you genuinely get anything out of the friendship? If you realise it has become one-sided it might just be time to let it fizzle out. As you say, what will happen when/if she goes on to have her own baby? She will no doubt expect you to share her joy.

There's a difference between saying 'Your DD is gorgeous, I'm so happy for you, I feel like a shit friend as I'm quite envious with struggling with TTC would you mind if you were sensitive to that and gave me time to come around?' and 'im jealous I can't stand to look at your DD don't ever mention her again'.

I feel for you OP, just remember it's not personal and she is behaving a bit unreasonably.

It sounds as if she can accept your ds because she wasn’t TTC at the time or didn’t realise she had fertility issues. Has she had fertility issues for 3 years or ttc for 3 years? Had ivf myself and I personally don’t think ttc for 3 years is a terribly long time. Does she know if she and her partner can conceive?

As for ignoring your dd. That’s shit. I don’t agree with ignoring babies being acceptable. You can still maintain a safe distance but acknowledge their existence.

She is in incredible amounts of pain and heartache, it really is indescribable unless you've been there. Your daughter is only little, she won't remember anyone really for a few years yet, so there is no particular reason your friend needs to get to know her, except out if friendship to you. It's obviously just too hard for her. The friendship may have to be on those terms or be suspended until your friend is able to cope better, or it might drift to an end. But the ones upthread calling her an arsehole are being pretty harsh I think, it's all consuming and awful facing infertility, and if she is having treatment the hormones etc literally make you lose your mind a bit. Try and remember that she's probably not deliberately hurting you, and is doing her best, even if her best is pretty shit. You sound like a very nice friend.

lillighters85 I don’t want our friendship to end or be suspended. I love her very, very much and I’m worried about her being so unhappy. She is confiding in me with her fertility issues - I am genuinely interested - I don’t want to take that support away from her.

From reading responses I think that I need to just respect her wishes and try to not feel hurt. DD won’t know or care.

DS was born before BF was married or TTC. She bonded with him beforehand. It’s just new babies that are forbidden.

Hey,

I'm sorry your friend is being like this. As much as it seems like her behaviour is personal, it's not. I'm not excusing your friend for ignoring your dd, that's not on. As someone struggling to conceive I do understand pregnant people and babies are a struggle at times. But it's not my friends and family's fault. I try to deal with pregnancies and babies the best I can but sometimes I have to give myself a break. If I can't handle baby talk I just won't but that's the odd day but I would not go to the extent of ignoring or refusing to talk about someone's child.

It's probably not going to be like this forever. Infertility and struggling ttc can bring out the worst in us sometimes. I've acted strangely sometimes and broke down in tears at people's announcements and I'm not proud of it. But running away or ignoring children aren't going to change my situation.

I hope things improve soon. 💐

You sound like a brilliant friend. I so hope there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's just so very very hard.

I get where your friend is coming from having been there. I remember making my best friend a hamper of baby gifts and essentials whilst trying to get pregnant and going to her son's 1st birthday the day after I had been told to got on a waiting list for fertility treatment. But I was there 100% for her and her dc, even thought when I got home that night I was broken and in floods of tears. Best friends stick with the each other regardless. I would query whether she is your best friend?

I’m not fussed on other peoples kids either. I would have asked her to get to know your child to be honest. It’s a bit full on. She should probably make more effort and give you the odd Facebook like, but other than that its just another persons child. No big deal.

I think it was insensitive of you to send photos of your baby to her. One when she was born, fine, but after that I think you're rubbing her nose in it.

I have a group WhatsApp with a group of close friends, one is undergoing ivf and is really struggling, another tried to conceive but has subsequently given up.

I never share photos of my baby or talk about my pregnancy and cringe when another friend sends photos of her baby.

I have quite a few friends who don't have kids (either because they're gay, through choice or single or not through choice qlike infertility) and I don't really mention my kids to them as they're not interested in that side of life.

It's up to you what you do, if you feel like the relationship is one sided and you're not getting anything out of it then pull away, you're not forced to be friends with her. But if you're prepared to wait I think she will eventually change, either because she had a child herself or because she comes to terms with it not happening.

I think the analogy is not whether you'd ignore someone's husband if you were single, but would you send her baby photos or insist on her getting to know your baby if she'd recently lost a baby herself? Hopefully not.

Right now she's grieving for the child she may not have, it's awful. If you'd written this on the infertility boards instead of aibu I think you would have had a different response.

I'll probably get flamed for this but she sounds like a shit friend. You've done all these nice things for her and what has she ever done for you? Yes, it's hard when everyone except you seems to have a baby, but lots of people have hardship in their lives and don't behave like self-absorbed arseholes because of it.

If your mum passed away would you suddenly refuse to ever see her mum, talk about her mum or ignore her text about the nice lunch she took her mum for on mother's Day? No, of course you wouldn't, because even though you've experienced pain it doesn't give you the right to be an arsehole and shit all over other people's happiness. It's not that hard to smile and nod, or reply with a few kind words to a text message. Anyone who thinks this is beyond them in the longterm is not someone I would want to be friends with.

She's allowed to avoid your DC if she really wants to but to ignore a simple text message, or ban your DC from being mentioned in conversation, is absolutely pathetic.

I'd just stop trying with her. You've done more than enough.

PregnantSea
I agree with you. It’s also only been 3 years.

Is she having fertility treatment op?

OP, I think you’re being unreasonable. In the nicest possible way, she’s involved with and interested in your three year old’s life — there’s nothing to ‘get to know’ about a six month old baby, whether or not you’re struggling with ttc.

What brings friends together most of the times is a sharing of important life events. Sadly, circumstances mean you are currently at opposite poles, it's inevitable that you should both feel a distance between you and hurt as a result.

Don't get angry, in her shoes, you would most likely feel the need to distance yourself from her being a mother when every reference to it is a reminder of what you don't have. When you go through infertility, you wake up obsessed with it, you breath it through the day, and it embraces you when you go to sleep.

What she will crave is a few hours in a day when she gets distracged from it and reminded that she can still have a good time without a baby. Of course the last thing she wants then is to talk about babies. It's not personal, it is not your baby, it's her trying to remain mentally healthy.

Hopefully she'll be pregnant soon and when she does, you can be sure you'll grow very close again when all she'll want to talk about is babies.

You sound like a lovely friend op.
However you friendship is in trouble, having been through this myself with a close friend.

Best case: she becomes pregnant and you will be expected to celebrate and support her pregnancy (and of course you will be happy to do so) this will continue once the baby is born and grows into a child, and she will expect you to adore her child and continue your support. This will be bumpy to the reality of motherhood, all the while a growing resentment from you as your child continues to be ignored. Her miracle overshadows yours, and this dynamic is almost impossible to change. It is very unlikely having not bonded with your child, that she will ever take any interest. Galling.

Worst case: she never becomes pregnant, and will reject your child indefinitely (and not get past her own feelings of hurt and disappointment)

I don’t want to advise you to distance yourself, stop giving in this friendship and let it chart its natural way. But I will. Because it will be better for you in the long run. And her if she doesn’t conceive.

The fact she has ignored your pg and baby for 18 month is always going to be a bone of contention regardless of the outcome.

I think, and I may be off-beam here but I don't think I am, that the reason she can cope with pics etc. of your disabled DS is because she's NOT envious of you having him. She's envious of you having your DD because she's not disabled and so she can't deal with that at all.

I understand that she's your great friend forever, but in all honesty I think you just need to back off and let her get on with it.
She may never conceive, which would be very sad for her, but she can't be around your DD if she's going to permanently ignore her very existence - at some point (obviously not yet!!) your DD will notice and be hurt.

You can have a conversation with her about it, if you think it might clear the air a bit - but I'd end it with "so I'll just let you come to me when you're ok with the idea of accepting DD is in our lives now" or something like that.

Yanbu.I struggled to conceive for many years.It was almost like a physical pain at times,seeing my friends with their babies.
However,i still visited my mates and family even when I felt depressed and unmotivated.I still sent them cards and presents for birthdays and christenings etc.
Some events I did avoid but mostly I went and enjoyed(almost) going to ,even if at home afterwards I was a crumbling wreck.Thats what you do for your friends and family-treat them as you want to treated.

Would any of the people defending her think it's ok for a single person to ignore their friends husband?

Being single is nothing like suffering infertility, what a stupid comparison.

OP, I think you need to ask you friend directly what's going on. I have so much sympathy for people suffering like her but you're right in that her behavior isn't okay. I think you need to have a discussion about this gently, not all guns blazing, calling her a selfish bitch or whatever some posters would like.

I was in a similar situation as your friend. I get pregnant but I suffer miscarriages 9 times out of 10. My best friend was actually pregnant at the same time as me and I went on to lose mine, she carried on and had her daughter.

I can't even put into words the pain. Like a PP it's almost physical, not just emotional. It took everything in me not to shut myself away. I interacted with her daughter every so often through gritted teeth and hated every minute of it. Every time she sent me a picture or an update I would reply with a short 'aw lovely' and then spend the evening crying into DPs shoulder.

I'm not saying your friend is right, I'm saying infertility is not just black and white. It isn't just 'she's a bitch'. And no it's nothing like being bloody single.

I think you need to bring it up because you sound like you've been there for her a lot and this does need to change but just be gentle and do it with understanding.

For what it's worth, I absolutely adore my best friends child now! She's my God daughter and I really love spending time with her.

all the while a growing resentment from you as your child continues to be ignored. Her miracle overshadows yours

And how do you know this would happen??

My experience of this is actually quite the opposite. I found it much easier to be around and enjoy other people's children afterwards.