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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TTC friend ignores my DC

203 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 28/04/2019 19:08

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

OP posts:
Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 29/04/2019 16:45

Thanks for the opinions and especially the insight into infertility struggles. I have taken on board the replies. I honestly feel less ‘hurt’ reading that BF isn’t the only woman that behaved this way.

BF is a great, strong woman who needs me to be here for her. DD doesn’t know she is being ignored and I can deal with the hurt. I’m hopeful that this won’t be forever.

OP posts:
HelloImStressed · 29/04/2019 16:48

Let's be honest. This isn't about getting to know a 6 month old is it? It's about OP wanting to discuss her baby with her friend (which is fine) but maybe this friend just isn't the right person to do that with at the moment (which is also fine)

I do actually agree with this.

Glad to hear you've taken some posts on board OP.

You know your friend better than anyone here so I think your best to judge if she's just being a 'bitch' or whether there is more going on with her (which it sounds like there is).

You sound like a great friend and I do have every confidence that your friend will one day come out the other side of this Flowers

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 16:53

I honestly feel less ‘hurt’ reading that BF isn’t the only woman that behaved this way

I'm really glad OP. It won't be personal to you. It's a really hard type of grief to explain and it made me do things I never usually would.

You sound really lovely.

I’m hopeful that this won’t be forever

I really doubt it will be. I love my BFs daughter now despite being a bit like your friend at first. Can't wait to see her these days!

It may be three years but it's still awfully raw for your friend. It consumes everything.

You need to protect yourself too of course but I wouldn't go writing your friend off straight away if she's been a good one before this!

Foxmuffin · 29/04/2019 16:55

@SerenDippitty
A bit offended by your presumption. I didn’t tell ANY family so the couple struggling to conceive didn’t find out second hand. After 12 wk scan I rang the man of this couple first and explained I understood it would be difficult news. I actually consulted a friend who is now a parent but who had also struggled to conceive and asked how in their opinion I should broach it.

I kept all discussion of my baby and pregnancy off the group chat. Then they removed themselves anyway to avoid me.

RyvitaBrevis · 29/04/2019 16:55

Your BF is so lucky to have your friendship, bless you. I'm sorry this has hurt you. One way or another, she will need to work through this, and I hope for both your sakes it is soon. Flowers

Foxmuffin · 29/04/2019 16:59

@JesusBiscuits

I was sensitive. As I explained. Pisses me off that in my recent predicament because I’m bloody fertile it’s always presumed I’m in the wrong.

My brother hasn’t had a decent conversation with me in nearly a year and it’s my fault because I’ve got what him and his wife desperately wants. Irony is we both want the same thing! I feel I’m punished because I’m able to have it. SIL won’t even acknowledge me!! She avoided me at a family wedding and didn’t attend the day so, missed my mums birthday.

What should I have done besides not get pregnant?

Foxmuffin · 29/04/2019 17:00

@SerenDippitty

Sorry I have reread and realise yours was a genuine enquiry not a presumption.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 17:04

FoxMuffin, I don't think JesusBiscuits was referring to you or implying you weren't being sensitive.

It's the type of responses you often see on these threads in reply to SerenDipittys suggestion that pregnancy announcements should be done sensitively she was referring to. I.e. 'Why should I?!' which I agree, wouldn't shock me to see.

Foxmuffin · 29/04/2019 17:07

@CheeseIsEverything

No, I agree I was oversensitive and for that I apologise!

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2019 17:13

Yes it was @Foxmuffin. You obviously made every effort to deliver the news sensitively and I applaud you. I do hope your family member will come round in time.

Constance1234 · 29/04/2019 17:42

@BelleSausage I am struggling with secondary infertility and had a miscarriage last year. I think you are being way too harsh on the other posters. I am in your situation, but I am very aware that I have already joined the parents club. People like the OP's friend and others on this thread do not know when or if this will happen for them. Secondary infertility is awful, but the fact is we are parents and so cannot fully understand the pain of those without children at all feel.

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 18:38

@Constance1234

My point would be that this is not what the thread is about. The poster who I originally disagreed with was trying to suggest that I didn’t have a right to comment as someone with secondary infertility. I found that deeply hurtful and was telling them so. It was unnecessary for that poster to nit pick my post.

People turning this into a hierarchy of pain and grief is not helpful. It sounds like the OP has been as kind as possible but is not getting much back in return. I understand that the friend is hurting but the worst thing anyone in this situation can do is give into grief, jealousy and depression. I’ve just spent two years fighting my way out of that mindset. It is so destructive.

GreytExpectations · 29/04/2019 19:55

The poster who I originally disagreed with was trying to suggest that I didn’t have a right to comment as someone with secondary infertility.
@BelleSausage honestly, you have very much got the wrong end of the stick. Ive read the thread and that is not what the poster was saying at all. You do seem like you are going through a lot (understandable) so the topic has made you quite defensive but being upset by how you think your pain is perceived isnt going to help and its very much misinterpreting other people.

PlatypusLeague · 29/04/2019 21:38

"the worst thing anyone in this situation can do is give into grief, jealousy and depression. I’ve just spent two years fighting my way out of that mindset."

Good for you, but some people find that suppressing their real feelings too much, for too long, leads to a delayed reaction further down the line.

Constance1234 · 29/04/2019 22:04

@BelleSausage I saw the comment you are referring to and I truly believe you have misread it. There was no suggestion that you shouldn't be commenting!

BelleSausage · 30/04/2019 07:15

Look, we can agree to disagree. I found that poster’s post deeply hurtful. I shall go back to ignoring threads on infertility. There is no support here.

Thanks for the pile on. Really helps me stay positive.

GreytExpectations · 30/04/2019 08:22

There is no support here

I'm sure would get plenty of support if you stared your own thread about your situation. Derailing someone else's thread is not fair on the OP or others following it.

Rachelle11 · 30/04/2019 16:15

It's slightly ironic that you are talking about support when you flat out called a woman in the throws of IVF an "arse" for admitting she is jealous of op's baby and struggling. You have shown very little compassion for op's friend.

Littleduckeggblue · 30/04/2019 16:26

Without being rude, she might simply not be interested in other people's children. I'm pregnant myself but there's only so many photo's of other people's children you can see without looking disinterested. She's your friend not your kids friends, so by her ignoring the pics you send her she is simply implying she isn't interested.
Also, again without sounding to be rude, if she ignores photos of your children that you send her why continue doing so? I wouldn't dream of doing this to someone who is TTC

Outlawjr · 30/04/2019 16:30

It's slightly ironic that you are talking about support when you flat out called a woman in the throws of IVF an "arse" for admitting she is jealous of op's baby and struggling. You have shown very little compassion for op's friend.

I was just about to say this.

I don't have children and I'm on the fence about if I even want them but it's glaringly obvious that the OP's friend is struggling. I honestly don't think she's done anything terrible and was very surprised to read all the comments calling her a bitch and an arse. She's very clearly not doing any of this to hurt or offend the OP. I don't think wanting to distance herself from baby talk while she's going through this tough time makes her a bad person. Obviously if it gets to a point where the kid notices and is hurt by the friend's distance the OP would have to put her child's feelings first. But the baby is 6 months old and the friend really doesn't need to 'get to know' the baby at this stage.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 30/04/2019 16:34

Littleduckeggblue It would be less rude to actually read the thread Hmm

OP posts:
CheeseIsEverything · 30/04/2019 17:47

The thing is, everyone deals with grief differently.

Posters can say 'I wouldn't do x y or z in the friends situation' and maybe that's true but they might react to something else that OPs friend would not.

There's no size fits all to this sort of stuff. I've met lots of women going through this on my own journey. Some who didn't really seem affected all that much and could manage to get on with their day to day lives well and then others who probably would have gone on to seriously hurt themselves or worse without intervention and for whom daily life was practically impossible. Quite clearly this is a trigger for OPs friend, just because it isn't for you doesn't make it any less real for her.

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2019 18:12

I shall go back to ignoring threads on infertility. There is no support here.

This is totally wrong. The infertility boards are the only thing that’s kept me sane at times.

You need to read back what you’ve posted and what others have posted in response with a clear head.

CyclingSquirrel · 30/04/2019 18:15

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What does that mean?

I'm struggling to see how that conversation went.

You: please get to know my 6 month old baby
Her: no. Shut up.

SerenDippitty · 30/04/2019 19:19

I really can’t imagine why anyone would try to insist that someone interacts with their baby when they know that person is struggling to conceive..