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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TTC friend ignores my DC

203 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 28/04/2019 19:08

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 14:52

The thing is OP, maybe you and her are just not the right friends for each other at the moment, that’s ok.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 14:53

Its all very well posters saying "give her space", and "let her be"....but the reality is this friend may never conceive and OPs DD isnt going anywhere. There is no guarantee things will get better so when is the friendship over?

I hope if God forbid this happened, then OPs friend would be able to eventually come to terms with this and cope with the reality of her situation.

However, she's still be much in the thick of it right now, going through IVF etc... So it's not unreasonable right now to just ease off and have some sympathy for the way she's acting and what she's going through right now is it?

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 14:56

YADNBU

She is an arse. And I say this as someone who lost a baby and hasn’t been able to get pregnant since (that was two years ago). I am lucky enough to already have a DD. All of my friends went easily onto their second (and third) but I am still stuck and grieving.

I would never, ever make my friends feel bad about being pregnant or having children (one of my close friends has a son born on my baby’s due date, of high of course hurts but I would never tell her that. It isn’t her fault!).

Anyone willing to take out their pain on someone else like this is an arsehole.

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 14:59

And I would also point out that some friends have been hesitant to tell me about their pregnancies. What I always say is- ‘I wouldn’t be a good friend if I couldn’t be happy for you’. I think that is the crux of it. It is possible to be sad for yourself and happy for someone else at the same time. There aren’t a limited number of babies. You haven’t stolen something from her.

Make your life easier a quietly withdraw.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 29/04/2019 15:03

I'm really sorry for your lost Belle and I don't mean this to take away from what you've been through in any way but surely this does make a difference to yours and the friends situation?

I am lucky enough to already have a DD

You can join in conversation about motherhood because you already are a mother. You describe it yourself as being 'lucky'. You aren't facing the possibility of never being a mum.

Both awful situations but different in their own way.

PlatypusLeague · 29/04/2019 15:09

"For those saying that spa days and lunches are not helping - how can I help? I feel helpless seeing someone I love so sad and there is nothing that I can do."

You already are helping in the best way you know how, but here are my suggestions:

Being a good listener without jumping in with advice (eat xyz, get a dog, try yoga/acupuncture/homeopathy, my second cousin's friend can tell you where to get a Chinese baby, maybe you're not many to be a mother, you can have mine hahaha, just relax, go on holiday, just adopt (and you will magically conceive), don't forget children are hard work, go to the cinema while you can... every infertile woman has heard these countless times).

Be there for her, but of course you're allowed to maintain your own boundaries and happiness too.

Asking her what she would find most helpful, and doing it if you can. Let her know you want to help but feel helpless.

Asking her what is most unhelpful and not doing it, if possible.

Don't assume it's the same for all infertile people.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 15:14

Absolutely agree with Platypus.

I've had 'get a dog' and 'God, you can have mine they are so annoying hahaha', 'you can always adopt', 'stop stressing and it will happen'.

Please don't ever say anything like that. It's awful.

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2019 15:34

For those saying that spa days and lunches are not helping - how can I help? I feel helpless seeing someone I love so sad and there is nothing that I can do. We talk endlessly about TTC and IVF - I am honestly interested and I know she needs someone to talk honestly to.

Just be there and listen. Don’t advise. Accept that you can’t fix this problem by trying to cheer her up. Acknowledge how awful it is for her.

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 15:36

@ItsBloodyFreezingg

You have no idea. Your post is so offensive. You know nothing of what I’m going through. Or how I have struggled with mental health issues because of my loss and secondary infertility. Women in my situation so often feel they have to stay silent. It is not a fucking competition as to who is suffering more.

As I said, anyone who uses their pain to be a bitch to someone is just that- a bitch.

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 15:43

@ItsBloodyFreezingg

Actually, your post has really upset me. I have just had another period arrive despite my fertility nurse telling me I ovulated twice this month and doing everything she told me to do. I am starving because I am trying to lose enough weight to qualify for Clomid when I see my consultant next month. And I am fucking 40 next year and running out of time to provide my child with the sibling that she keeps asking about. She is obsessed with babies. All her friends have baby brothers and sisters, why doesn’t she.

But sure, I’ll pipe down because I don’t qualify to comment.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 15:48

As I said, anyone who uses their pain to be a bitch to someone is just that- a bitch

I'm not going to comment on the other part of your post Belle because I've not been in your situation and I'm truly sorry for that.

But I don't think this part is necessarily true. Even if it were true that OPs friend was being 'a bitch', could it not be because of what she's going through that she's reacting like this?

People don't deal with grief exactly the same, and they cope and react in different ways. Not always the right way granted, but we can still be understanding without labelling them x y or z.

How someone reacts during one traumatic time in their life doesn't (or shouldn't) define them.

GreytExpectations · 29/04/2019 15:53

@BelleSausage you are being very harsh to ItsBloodyFreezingg. She isn't wrong in suggesting your situation is not exactly the same as the OP's friends. I am terribly sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like a real struggle.

OP, you are being an amazing friend. I feel really bad for you, your friend is not being very nice or a good friend and the way I see it you may need to back off the friendship for awhile as its clear it won't be healthy for you or her- its clearly a one way friendship at this point. Personally, I don't think fertility issues gives anyone a free pass to be rude or a bad friend.

JesusBiscuits · 29/04/2019 15:54

I feel for you OP, it isn't your fault and you've done nothing wrong but please do read others posts about what your friend may possibly be going through right now and try to understand it won't be personal to your DD.

I can't stand the utter lack of compassion or empathy from posters on these sorts of threads.

Foxmuffin · 29/04/2019 15:58

@Likepebblesonthebeach

I haven’t read all the PP but just wanted to say that I am in a similar predicament.

A close family member of mine is struggling to conceive. When I announced my pregnancy they withdrew from me and by association a lot of the family to avoid me and my pregnancy. They now avoid my baby and don’t speak to me.

It’s driven a wedge through the family and really upsets my Mum. Who knows when she invites them to family celebrations they won’t attend.

I feel a bit upset for my baby who is being totally ignored and won’t know these people.

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2019 16:04

A close family member of mine is struggling to conceive. When I announced my pregnancy they withdrew from me and by association a lot of the family to avoid me and my pregnancy. They now avoid my baby and don’t speak to me.

How did you “announce” your pregnancy? Did you make a big thing of it or did you take into account that your family member might find it difficult to hear and try to do it in a sensitive way?

BelleSausage · 29/04/2019 16:06

@GreytExpectations

No, I’m being honest. This is why I don’t post on the pregnancy loss of fertility boards. It is too upsetting to be told that I don’t qualify for help or that I should ‘just appreciate what I have’ or that I ‘just don’t understand because I already have one’.

I don’t want to derail the OPs thread but I want to make clear that lots of women with secondary infertility have stories like mine, having experienced a traumatic baby loss and often feel like a fraud because they already have one. A hierarchy of pain achieves nothing.

I’ll reiterate. It should be totally possible for an adult to feel sad for themselves but happy for a friend and not punish that friend or a baby for something that isn’t their fault. I know lots of people who manage it gracefully.

JesusBiscuits · 29/04/2019 16:06

SerenDippitty I'll hazard a guess that you'll be met with lots of 'well why shouldn't she be able to make a big deal of her pregnancy announcement?'

Not a dig at you FoxMuffin, I can just tell this will be what a lot of posters will be thinking.

It's only ever the infertile women who are expected to not he selfish/ take everyone else's feelings into account/get over it etc.

GreytExpectations · 29/04/2019 16:09

I can't stand the utter lack of compassion or empathy from posters on these sorts of threads.

I disagree with this. I think there is plenty of understanding and compassion on here for the people who unfortunately have to go through fertility issues. The problem is, shit happens in life and it sucks. But you cant expect people to tip toe around major life events, specially those who you are close to such as good friends and family members. Of course, show sensitivity by not bombarding them with pictures or going on and on about it but posters seem to not have read the OPs posts properly. She isnt doing that. She is being an incredible friend and is getting shitty treatment back. IMO that behaviour shouldnt be tolerated.

JesusBiscuits · 29/04/2019 16:13

GreytExpectations certainly didn't mean the OP when talking about compassion and understanding, I think she sounds like a great friend.

It's posters who are happy to just say 'she's a bitch' without attempting to understand. I actually find it incredible how some posters are calling the OPs friend so easily yet admitting in the same post that they've never been through what she is and 'couldnt imagine it'.

swingofthings · 29/04/2019 16:16

It is not a fucking competition as to who is suffering more
100% this but then I don't understand why you would say OP's friend is an ass when you don't know the level of her suffering and her ability to cope.

Both situations are tragic and if either of you were my friend, I would do what I know is easier for you and be patient.

GreytExpectations · 29/04/2019 16:17

It's only ever the infertile women who are expected to not he selfish/ take everyone else's feelings into account/get over it etc.

That is just not true and quite unfair. What about those couples who did ttc for years and finally got pregnant? They deserve to share their happiness with their loved ones such as close family. Same as those who are going through fertility problems deserve to be supported by their close family members. But nobody should have to sacrifice their own happiness due to someone else circumstances. Maybe they should have a little sensitivity towards them but what would you have suggested foxmuffin do?

Rachelle11 · 29/04/2019 16:19

I am infertile. I have one beautiful ds through adoption. After 10 years of infertility I got pregnant and lost the baby. It broke me but it was very different to the years of waiting to be a mum. I knew how lucky I already was and that was way easier than the torment of wondering if I'd ever be a mum, or feeling left out every time I got together with my friends who had kids.

OP please just be patient with her. You say she is amazing with your ds and that you have lost a lot of friends due to your ds's sns. It sounds like she's been a good friend to you as well over the years. I would just focus on that. Eventually the sharpness of the pain she is feeling will start to dull one way or another.

JesusBiscuits · 29/04/2019 16:29

But nobody should have to sacrifice their own happiness due to someone else circumstances

No, but surely then the friend shouldn't have to sacrifice her happiness by putting on a brave face over and over to make OP feel better?

I'm not suggesting FoxMuffin do anything, I'm sure she's a considerate person. I was referring to the types of replies you usually get from other posters on these sorts of threads.

Why should I have to pretend my child doesn't exist, why shouldn't I be able to to send pictures of my baby to my friend, why shouldn't I be able to discuss my child with my friend, why should I not be able to do x y or z. All while expecting the friend to do exactly that but the other way around with a smile otherwise she's a bitch for admitting she finds it too hard.

GreytExpectations · 29/04/2019 16:40

No, but surely then the friend shouldn't have to sacrifice her happiness by putting on a brave face over and over to make OP feel better?

Thats not what is happening though. Have you actually read the OPs posts? She is being a really good and supportive friend. Listening to her struggles, offering comfort and even taking her to nice days out. She listens and replies to constant texts and pictures about her friend's life but she never once get asked in return about her life and she isnt allowed to even mention the major thing in her life right now? No, her friend is being shitty and that is inexcusable considering how supportive the OP is being.

JesusBiscuits · 29/04/2019 16:44

I actually will hold my hands up and say I don't know what the answer is.

Why is it so selfish and vile to suggest that OP not talk about her child for a bit to give her friend some time but it's not selfish to expect the friend to put her feelings to the side so they can discuss a 6 month old that is not affected in any way by not knowing OPs friend right now?

Let's be honest. This isn't about getting to know a 6 month old is it? It's about OP wanting to discuss her baby with her friend (which is fine) but maybe this friend just isn't the right person to do that with at the moment (which is also fine).

No one's a bitch, they are just at different stages of their lives right now.