TTC friend ignores my DC

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

I am feeling very conflicted at the moment and would like some insight from people that have struggled to conceive.

BF has had almost 3 years of fertility issues. It has been very hard on her and I’ve been there for her as much as I can. I’ve arranged spa days, dinners, drinks, hotel breaks and surprise days out with her other friends to try to cheer her up and feel loved.

Last year I fell pregnant and now have a 6 month old DC that this friend completely ignores. If I mention DC in texts or send photos she doesn’t reply or ignores what I’ve said and responds to other parts. When I was pregnant I didn’t send scan pics or discuss it too much to try protect BF feelings. But now I feel like DC is a person and it really hurts that I can’t bring her up in conversation.

I’m a stay at home mam and carer so I don’t have much else outside my kids. Besides it hurting me it’s leaving me a bit lost on our friendship - we chat about BF TTC and her job but I can’t chat about my DC.

Last week I asked her to try to get to know DC but was shut down.

What can I do? This is a life long friendship that I shouldn’t want to lose but it’s such hard work always walking on egg shells.

Sometimes people tell us things that would make someone recoil because we encourage them to feel they can tell us anything.

"I can't even look at your baby" is one of those things.

I am not sure I would forget that, because it comes across like your baby's birth is some dreadful event and I don't think there's a truly healthy way to deal with that in your interactions (for either of you)... but I might feel I had to put up with it, and would empathize with BF on some level.

I'm not sure it's a great idea to have such closeness right now, at least until she has conceived or reconciled herself with things, and she may never do either. Have you considered giving each other a little space for a while? You might find she calms down a bit on the jealousy, or even takes an interest off her own back once given some room to breathe.

People’s response to infertility never ceases to amaze me. People are on here saying how infertility caused their DH to take their own life, they have been told 1 in 5 people experiencing infertility have contemplated taking their own life because of it. Yet they are told to just get over it, be happy for someone else stop being selfish

It's scary isn't it. In a way I'm glad that a lot of people don't understand it as it most likely means they've never experienced it and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

But I just hate the quick fire response of 'shes an arse' without any thought. One of my favourites from this thread is comparing it to a single person ignoring your husband because y'know, being single and infertility are completely alike You're right, you wouldn't get this in other similar scenarios. I feel it's a mix of people being unable to fathom the seriousness of what it can do to you without having been through it themselves, the fact it's an 'invisible' problem and that everyone deals with these things differently.

I doubt very much OPs friend just woke up and decided today I'm going to act like a bitch just for fun. She was asked why and she was honest. It's not nice to hear for OP but it's how her friend feels right now and it isn't because she's a selfish cow.

Sounds like a very conditional friendship - all is well as long as it all revolves around her. When you've got a big history with someone it's hard to walk away, but sometimes the 'history' is all you really have e.g. perhaps you're not particularly compatible as adults in terms of your values and what you'd do for one another etc. I'd probably keep her at arms length for a bit and give her some space. After a miscarriage, I did find it secretly hard when I was hanging out with pregnant friends for the year it took to conceive again, however I reminded myself that they deserved their happiness as much as I felt I deserved mine. Easier said than done, I guess. It's a tricky one.