To feel so rejected re: childrens party
HostOffice · 28/04/2019 14:17
NC in case outing.
I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).
When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.
DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.
And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.
I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.
I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.
Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject
CurtainsOpen · 28/04/2019 14:19
So, this is a body weight / self-appearance issue?
HostOffice · 28/04/2019 14:20
And the gym visits, I do go to a gym (I'm on my weight loss journey) and have been seen in my gym kit
(In case anyone thinks they would not invite me to the gym thinking I'm overweight and don't workout)
HostOffice · 28/04/2019 14:21
I don't know, I'm not shy and retiring or unconfident, they just don't talk to me.
Fatted · 28/04/2019 14:22
I'll be blunt, I have never understood the whole idea of mums wanting to be friends with the other school mums. Just because our children go to school together, doesn't necessarily mean I want to have any kind of relationship with the other parents.
NoBaggyPants · 28/04/2019 14:23
Stop defining people by slim or overweight, common or stuck up. If you're coming across like this to the others, you're probably not coming across as particularly friendly.
Fatted · 28/04/2019 14:23
In this situation, at a kids party, I honestly wouldn't be bothered if the other parents talked to me or not. As long as my kids had fun.
Notreallyhavingitall · 28/04/2019 14:23
I'm so sorry you were made to feel so unhappy. I think it can take time and it's such a shame and not a good reflection on the other mums that nobody bothered to be friendly or initiate some small talk. I have no advice other than I'm sure it will get better and .
WoodenToyKitchen · 28/04/2019 14:24
"Weight Loss Journey ", do you sell mlm?
bridgetreilly · 28/04/2019 14:24
I basically think you have to recalibrate your expectations about this. Parents of your child's friends don't necessarily become your friends and that's okay. Just be civil when you need to and don't engage beyond that. Your child is 5, so it won't be long before you can just drop him at parties anyway.
oblada · 28/04/2019 14:25
If that helps you've got no reason to be staying at parties next year onwards anyway.
Personally I hate going to kids parties. I have a few friends at school but just on the fringe, I am not part of any real mums groups etc and that's fine by me.
Why not just rely on hobbies and work to make friends? Or when ur child becomes closer to specific kids you can do 1-2-1 and get closer to the parents then?
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 28/04/2019 14:25
In the gentlest possible way: your child's school is for him, not about making friendships for you. I know (from posts on here) that a lot of mothers seem to see it that way, but I've always thought of it as felicitous when a kindergarten or school mum friendship developed rather than as something that had to happen and made me unworthy if it didn't.
Most of these wonderful-seeming friendships tend to be temporary and drift apart when dc move on. Do you have friends in other areas of your life?
IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 14:25
I don’t think you should use your dc and the school for your own social life.
It’s gone wrong far too many times for people.
Pomegranateseeds · 28/04/2019 14:26
I wonder why you think certain mums in particular are “your type”? I usually find my first impressions about people are wrong and that I click with all different “types” of people. Perhaps you’ve just focused on a couple of cliquey ones rather than staying open-minded..?
ConfCall · 28/04/2019 14:29
Maybe it looks as if you very much want to be friends with this “in gang” of gym-going mums, and therefore other mothers think wrongly that they’re not your type. This is just supposition. Something to consider.
I’m really sorry it’s upsetting you but the main thing is that DC is settled with friends I guess.
Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 14:29
In this situation, you go and get involved with the children playing; you go to where the mums are laying the table, or putting the decs up, and help out. You might be able to help out with the games or clearing up afterwards? Keep busy!
MayFayner · 28/04/2019 14:29
Your DS was invited to the party so that’s the main thing.
I have 17yo DD and 2 DSs of 3 and 4 so I’m having to go through this again.
With DD I used to wonder whether the other mums liked me and if I was good enough. This time round I don’t care who likes me. I treat everyone equally as I would work colleagues. Arrive, interact on a superficial level (or maybe don’t interact at all if everyone is talking to others), go home. That’s it.
Siameasy · 28/04/2019 14:30
I don’t think you should base your worth on external factors like this ie others’ approval. It isn’t healthy. Do you have other friends? I would relax and practise not giving a shit. You don’t need these people. When I take DD to a kids party where I don’t know the other parents that well I use it as an opportunity to read a book, zone out, catch up on MN, close one eye to catch up on sleep or steal cocktail sausages.
Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 14:30
I'm also a bit concerned that you appear to think your sons social life is an enabler for your own.
I suspect if you were more relaxed and gave less of a shit, friendships would come more naturally.
I had no desire to be friends with Any of the mums at my daughter schools, but I chatted away when I saw them, then fucked off at the end of it.
Maybe you need to try to find other ways to make friends, and then you'll be more relaxed and able to better manage at social events that are your sons. It will matter less to you.
mrsgandy · 28/04/2019 14:31
@AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo said . It's good your little one is making friends . When he gets older it will be drop and go . It sounds like there are some cliques there I would just continue to be friendly as you are and make some friends yourself separately
Dieu · 28/04/2019 14:33
Jeez, give it time.
pilates · 28/04/2019 14:34
I think you’re reading too much into this and you need to work on your self esteem.
cliquewhyohwhy · 28/04/2019 14:35
My close friend from being little is chummy with most of the mums at our children's school but I couldn't think of anything worse tbh. If I go to a party or do the school run I'll have the odd chat to other parents but I'd rather just get in and out. Don't take it personally OP honestly over the next few months or years you will get to a point of being able to have conversations with other parents, please don't worry about it.
misskatamari · 28/04/2019 14:36
I know it must have hurt to have felt you were being ignored, but it's likely that it wasn't done intentionally for the reasons you assume in your post. Most people aren't intentionally cruel/bitchy. What's most likely is that the mum's are already friends and were just sitting and chatting with the women they already know. Yes it's a bit thoughtless when you are alone and don't know many people, they should have made a bit of effort to make small talk, but I know if I was in that situation and some of the parents I know properly a friends were there, I would sit with them and have a catch up, and may not really engage in conversation with others, apart from some polite "hey, how are you etc" chit chat. It wouldn't be being mean and exclusionary , just chatting with friends who are also at an event, if that makes sense? As for inviting you along to things, if they are already friends in an established group, I don't see why they would think to do that. I don't mean that to sound horrible, but again, I wouldn't invite random mums from the school run to events I was going to with my already established friends, as it's not a "school mum" outing, it's doing something with friends. It's the kind of thing that might happen organically over time, and I would keep being polite and initiating small talk, maybe suggest some play dates with your child and theirs and see if you do have more things in common etc.
Try not to take it personally, a lot of the mums may know each other from before the kids started school, and have probably developed friendships over a few years. It must be hard moving and making new friends, and it would be lovely if some of the mums were more welcoming, but i'd just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully you'll become closer to some of them as time goes on
Hadjab · 28/04/2019 14:37
I don’t understand the posters saying this is not an opportunity to enlarge your social circle - so how do adults make friends if not by interacting with other adults?
BangingOn · 28/04/2019 14:39
I understand what people are saying about not expecting a social life from your child’s school, but the other parents do sound really rude. Everyone I know makes small talk at parties and if there are any new parents or people who don’t know others well then they make sure they are included. Surely that’s just good manners?
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