To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

[RuffleCrow]

To be completely honest, looking for friendships amongst school mums is only for the very thick skinned. I could have writtten your post op as I have a dc the same age.

For many of us having school age kids is very much like going back to school ourselves - cliques etc. You're best off opting for being friendly and receptive to those who may also be open & friendly but looking for real friendships elsewhere. Join some clubs & classes (for you, not ds!) to meet likeminded people and don't give the Mean Girls a second thought.

[Livelovebehappy]

You’re really over analysing the situation which might make you appear to be a bit needy and anxious. I have to be honest and say I never bothered too much about school playground politics as I had friends and family outside school. I think I formed a couple of superficial friendships based on the fact our DCs were close friends, but they faded once the DCs were old enough to hang out without parental involvement. Just try not to try too much with people and you will probably find that once you relax more, people will then relax around you.

[lunicorn]

I'm sorry you felt like that. An hour and a half trying to fill time when you feel rejected is hard, but not the end of the world. Be grateful for what you do have. You have a child who was invited to a party (some children don't get invites) and I'm guessing your child had great fun.

[Catchingbentcoppers]

Someone told you that you weren’t liked because you’re overweight???

This sounds loopy but actually, I've some experience of this. When DS was in lower school (about ten years ago now) I used to see this super glam mum with her equally glam friends and always acknowledged them as I walked past. This particular woman would always ignore me, wouldn't give me the time of day. Over the next 8/9 months I lost a lot of weight (4 stone) and she came over to chat to me one day and every day after that. She became super friendly and invited me to a bbq (along with other parents) that summer when she told me 'a little secret'. She said that she didn't mean to sound unkind but that she could never have been friends with me while I was overweight as 'she just could never have a fat friend', followed by a tinkly laugh. She said that now that I'd lost weight I was 'more their kind of person'. I asked her what she would do if I put weight on again and she looked horrified. I didn't find out as I completely distanced myself from her after that, though am still really good friends with one of the others who wasn't like that at all. So, some people are just batshit about the most ridiculous things.

[ReturnofSaturn]

Feel for you OP. Story of my life too.

[formerbabe]

Well, I think they sound really rude op.

I'll get flamed, but quite honestly, I've never in my life met a worst bunch of women in my life than at the school gates. The whole thing is completely bizarre to me, its like they revert back to their own school days.

[escapade1234]

What do you mean by your sort of people? How many were there? Out of all the mums at the party you chose three you were prepared to talk to. Think about that.

[formerbabe]

As for how you look you can't win...

Too scruffy...they'll look down on you

Too glam...they'll think you're vain and stuck up

[escapade1234]

You can’t get “in with the slim mums” despite being “seen in my gym clothes”.

Are you younger than average? Only this isn’t a very mature way to tall/think.

[AuldJosey]

The worse social engagement I recall (where I was out of my depth) was the introduction of children to the teacher and each other. I knew nobody and can be shy/nervous.
Anyway, sitting on the tiny chairs in the childrens' classroom and another woman and man were opposite me with their girl.
So I said - Hi - What's your little girl's name?

........
.........


"He's a boy."
I spent about 2 minutes commenting that I had only noticed his hair and presumed he was a girl because of his beautiful hair etc....
Then I sat like a lemon for the remainder of the time. In my seat designed for 5 year olds. Excruciatingly painful. .
Later found out Dad was the local cop so I was sure I'd get pulled in for something as punishment. Didn't happen. They seemed ok in the end. It was just me being an idiot.

[Omzlas]

One of the last kids parties I went to, I took me ebook. I couldn't have cared less if other parents spoke to me or not. You seem to be over invested in their weight, are you particularly self conscious about yours? Even if you are, you've started your journey and you own that, they don't owe you anything regarding that. I'd be less concerned about the fact they didn't talk to you and more concerned about why it bothers you

[MashPotatoMashPotato]

I find it a bit odd trying to make friend’s with other parent’s, to this extent anyway. I’ll happily exchange short conversation when I’m stood waiting at the school gates but I’m not looking for people to socialise with in my spare time. I can’t understand why you’d feel upset that people wouldn’t socialise with you at a kids party, you were there to take your child!

As for the gravitating towards fat/thin mums I’ve no idea what this has to do with anything? I don’t tend to look at someone and judge them on their size, I’m thin if that makes a difference. Doesn’t enter my head.

[WindsweptEgret]

OP, why that group of parents? Were there no other parents who looked more on the outside or stood alone like you who you could have spoken to?

[Margot33]

This is the truth. I was like you. Tried smiling and chatting to other mums. Didn't get acknowledged nor made any friends. Cried a few times. Since january I have decided that most people are arseholes and I don't actually want to be their friend. Now they gravitate towards me smiling and making small talk! i don't get it. act like you dont want to know other mums..and they will come!

[Dumbledorker]

This is a post about trying to make the effort to fit in with some people who you will bump into school day for years to come and your flaming her for making that effort. In my opinion OP anyone up at those school gates who can watch a fellow mum stand/sit on her own everyday and not make the effort to make her feel welcome arent worth your time! Let them stick to their little cliques because you sound like a lovely person who Is trying to make new friends which I think is wonderful. Half the replies on here sadden me and quite honestly sound like the they belong to the 3 people who shunned and ignored you. Keep your head held high when you go in that playground and dont let them make you feel any less than who you are. They are rude. I've been here myself and so when I saw a mum stood on her own one day I went to talk to her and 10 years later we are still the best of friends and Whenever we saw anyone else stood on there own we would always make the effort to speak to them. Its bloody petty and unnecessary and I wouldnt waste my time on them.

[wisemummy]

I think the other mothers were very unkind to you .

Practice not giving a fuck then they will be eating out of your hand !

[Karigan195]

They just already have established friendships. Send invites to parents of kids your son likes and try to get some days out. That will give an opportunity to make better friends with them individually which will give you an in.

[Beanzy78]

It's awful when people can't even be social at these events:(

I've been there too, I even invite dc friends over for play dates and they always come and I feed the kids as well as the parents. We never get an invite to come over to theirs but I've accepted that no everyone thinks the same.

In fact, I've gotten used to it that I use the parties to sit and catch up on Facebook and get myself a cuppa and if someone wants to include me in a conversation I'll participate but just accept that not everyone is the same.

Hopefully you feel better after yesterday's party and don't lose heart.

[Changedmynametoolikeyou]

I’m a lardarse and all my friends are pure gorgeous. But I’d consider friendship with another fatty. As long as they were wearing gym clothes.

Sorry OP, I think your outlook is flawed.

[Angellucy07]

This used to be a really big deal for me.
I'd make a real effort to try to "fit in" with various groups of mums.
Now four children later (younger two still in primary school) I can honestly say it doesn't worry me at all.
Fitting in with other mums is no longer high on my agenda.

[Hairydilemma]

I feel for you OP.

I always find it strange when people on MN can’t believe other people would want to make friends with school mums. Literally all my local friends I have met through my children.

If you don’t live where you grew up, if you’ve always commuted to work - I’m not sure how else you can make friends. I certainly had none locally before I had my children. Now I have lots (or at least, enough to keep me happy).

So back to your post OP, I’m sorry you had a bad experience today. Keep trying (not with that group, perhaps, but others you think you might get on with) and don’t let it put you off. Not everyone is shallow or mean.

[Lizzie48]

I used to find it lonely early on, OP, it did take time to fit in. This had more to do with the fact that DD1 (now 10) has never been invited to many of the parties, only 4 class parties in reception (compared to 13 for DD2). She’s always been socially awkward, and has struggled to make friends. She has 2 nice friends now, but she finds it hard to deal with DD2’s greater popularity.

I’m sorry you were so upset at that party, but you’re not likely to really get to know the other mums until your DS starts making friends. Then you will find yourself able to chat with his friends’ mums. You may not become best buddies (you should maybe lower your expectations) but you will at least know a few of them well enough to pass the time of day with them.

[Raaaaaah]

Windswept that’s perfectly understandable, but it doesn’t normalise or justify other people ignoring an outlier, it just adds weight to the argument that whenever people feel able they should be inclusive.

[Lizzie48]

That’s awful, CatchingBentCoppers but I do have experience of this.

My DD2 has a best friend in reception who she really wanted to come to our house for a play date. But her mum completely blanked me. She came to one birthday party but that’s it.

I strongly suspect the reason is my weight. Her DD said to DD2 that her mummy said that DD2’s Mummy was fat. So there we have it.

It didn’t matter in the end. DD2 had other close friends and stopped playing with this girl. She didn’t even invite her to her much smaller birthday party this year. So it’s a non issue now.

It’s a prejudice I don’t understand, though.

[Lizzie48]

And I’m happy now with one close friend among the mums and a few others I can pass the time of day chatting with (mums of my DDs’ friends).