To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

[IrkedandAnnoyed]

My days and sacred nights, being skinny won't magically make you confident. Loving yourself at whatever size you are will. Quotes like nothing tastes as good as skinny feels is nonsense to me because I keep a list of everything that tastes better-like lasagne. You can't throw yourself away because you are not a size 10...people who are worth being friends with won't care what size you.

[fabulous01]

I was at a party and people who I considered as friends didn't speak. I am learning that mums groups are really hard

Parties in particular and there are years ahead

[Ilfie]

You’re fine, and obviously a nice/good person- I know it’s hard for you to not feel rejected but these things happen and most probably it’s not intentional by the other mums/ they’re just used to seeing each other and interacting, they’ll get used to seeing you and will interact eventually x

[instaflum]

I was also at a party this weekend and was pretty much blanked by all the parents despite trying to make conversation. Strangely enough I had a playdate with one of the mums at my place who didn't bother reciprocating or even saying thanks afterwards it. We had had a good chat and then the next day she acted like we'd never met. Completely flummoxed and I was nothing but polite. Very strange...! At the party her and another mum sat there obviously talking about me and looking over in a weird way, it was rather awkward and I had a bit of a cry about it today (silly, I know, but I get affected by these things!).

School parents are weird, it's not just you, try not to worry about it. Head down and try to make or stay close to your other friends outside of school.

[expat101]

I never found myself in the click with other school Mums and so I can understand your feeling of being somewhat on the outer. We have awesome friends in our circle so I don't think its a ''me'' thing. I could never put my finger on why... even now I have tried to join a couple of community groups, it's like banging your head on a glass wall.

After a while when Daughter was still at school I stopped trying, would make initial polite conversation upon arrival and then leave them to it. As others have said, shortly your Son is going to be old enough to leave at a party for an hour or two and you can use that free time to explore something that interests you and you will feel much better for it.

[happymum12345]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how you feel. Its unkind of people to ignore you at a party & turn their back on you. There is no excuse for poor manners.
Could you invite one of your child’s friends over for a play date & get to know some of the parents like that? Or help out at a PTA? All the best!

[lifetothefull]

These situations are hard. Remember that it is highly unlikely that anyone is being deliberately mean. They are simply looking out for themselves and are glad when they have someone to talk to in this environment. It’s not because you are somehow lacking.
Perhaps try looking out for another person who is on the edge and talk to her, rather than looking for the popular looking mums.

[perfectstorm]

@instaflum that's not weird, that's human. What that woman did to you was spiteful and anyone normal would have minded. Nobody has to want to be friends, but her behaviour was petty, catty and unpleasant, and I'd have been very upset by it, too. It is most definitely her, not you, if she was a guest in your house and things were perfectly civil, then she blanked you, and later made a point of noticeably gossiping about you in your actual presence. It's utterly graceless and ill-mannered to abandon even basic kindness, when someone has been nothing but kind and pleasant to you.

OP, it's completely understandable, when you've left a good circle behind, you work from home, and you're dealing with a new move, to feel vulnerable. Loneliness is upsetting. It does take time, this sort of forming of social bonds, I think, and more so when for whatever reason other people gel more.

Have you considered a specific class at the gym, or a book club, or something else that would enable you to meet women in a secondary socialisation context - where you have an activity everyone is, by definition, included in?

[TessieVanKendre]

Why do you care? I agree with Fatted. Can't stand the whole "mom clique" thing. I've never wanted to be a part of the playground Mafia. I have my own friends. I'm always pleasant to the other parents and vice versa, but certainly wouldn't give a shit if they didn't invite me out on coffee mornings.
Don't take it personally OP.

[TapasForTwo]

"I'll be blunt, I have never understood the whole idea of mums wanting to be friends with the other school mums"

Because not all of us come from the area where our children go to school, and have loads of friends or family nearby. We moved to our village a year before DD started school. I made friends at toddler group and school because I had no local friends. I am still friends 15 years on with people I met at toddler group

I don't understand why you can't understand that. I don't like being friendless and solitary so I made an effort to get to know people I had something in common with.

[Justaboy]

School parents are weird

PhD Thesis subject anyone;?.

[YemenRoadYemen]

”I'll be blunt, I have never understood the whole idea of mums wanting to be friends with the other school mums"

It’s a difficult concept, I admit. But some people are outgoing, friendly, sociable, and like to make friends. Some people don’t have some sort of strict quota on the number of people they’re willing to be friendly with - they tend to think ‘the more the merrier’.

For me, personally, it’s because SOME of the women who happen to be parents of my kids’ friends are a great laugh, dependable, they help out, and we have a good time together.

It’s really not that difficult to get your head around.

[Jamhandprints]

I feel like you OP. Its really upsetting. I don't know what else I could do...is there just maybe one mum you could invite for coffee or something? Even if she's not your type of person? Or could you join the PTA?

[Catsinthecupboard]

I am so sorry. I have been there and you're not alone.

However. I think by you deciding whom you wished to be friends with from observation rather than conversation, you're not much more open.

Instead of thinking about yourself and your presentation, why not think of other people? Be interested in them?

I. frankly, learned how to out snob the snobs and became "friends" with those women you're wishing to be part of and it wasn't fun. I eventually was just myself, kind and i like to laugh and read and have fun with my family and eventually i made friends with women like myself.

You already said they go to the gym. Etc. Unless you plan to join the gym (their hobby) they won't be thinking you're their "type." That's not an insult! I mean that they have a hobby/group.

You need to follow your hobby and make friends with people who have the same values/interests.

Good luck.

[Romax]

I'll be blunt, I have never understood the whole idea of mums wanting to be friends with the other school mums"

It’s not an idea. It’s not a concept. School gate mums aren’t a specie all sharing the same personality.

I have a truly wonderful small group of friends that I met whilst dropping off and picking up my children.

4 years later - they have seen me through divorce, bereavement and illness. We have had wonderful long lunches, bbqs, 40th birthday celebrations, long walks with all the children. We have supported each other, helped out with childcare.... I could go on and on.

Practically, it’s brilliant as all live within half a mile of one another. And I suppose that is what initially helps forge relationships with mothers who’s children attend same school as your own. You see each other day after day, you may walk hike the same way and, over time, wonderful relationships can develop.

[Romax]

If I become aware of a new mother joining, I will smile, I will introduce d myself, i will likely start up a conversation as we wait for our children to come out. But I won’t go out of my way. Why? I’m a single working parent. Incredibly busy. It is hard enough carving out enough time for my children and different friendship groups. Plus we are adults. If you suggest a coffee, then sure - I’ll see that you have made the effort I will try to carve out time. If not, then I’m afraid it’s unlikely I will.

[Zerrin13]

OP I've learned through life that there is not as queer as folk. Don't let other people dictate whether you are happy or not.
It doesn't matter what bloody size you are either. When my last 2 children were young I went to a mother baby group and absolutely no one was remotely CV interested in having a conversation with me. The kids had fun though. If someone doesn't want to chat with me then that is fine. Lots of others will. I'll talk to anyone if they want to talk to me but then that's just me and we are all different. OP you sound like a nice friendly lady. Don't worry about others so much

[BarbadosBrenda]

:These situations are hard. Remember that it is highly unlikely that anyone is being deliberately mean. They are simply looking out for themselves and are glad when they have someone to talk to in this environment'

This ^.

You sound lovely op, just go in to every social situation regarding parents from school with no expectations. Smile, look friendly take the paper with you for kids parties incase there's no one to chat to, but the main thing is don't take it personally if you're 'blanked'. Just keep eyes peeled for other friendly looking people on their own and strike up a chat with them.

[Funkyslippers]

This has happened to me several times over the years but now I focus on my DD. It's difficult at parties, but in the playground I just talk to her - she's the reason I'm there, not anyone else. Things will get better I'm sure. Is there not a friend of DS's mum you could talk to?

I must admit, in DD1's class I made a few mum friends - in DD2's class, not any really. A few mums I would have a quick chat to, but that's all

[Funkyslippers]

OP I've learned through life that there is not as queer as folk. Don't let other people dictate whether you are happy or not.

This

[Sugarformyhoney]

Honestly, I had lots of Mum friends when dds were in little school and toddler groups. Out of all of them I probably maintain contact with two- no fall outs, but you just drift. These people really aren’t important.
Try and concentrate on the people you do connect with out of school and have actual shared interests with

[Vulpine]

'School mum cliques' Writing people off because of their gender and ability to procreate is pretty small minded.

[oldmum22]

It is horrible and I totally get how you feel ,but it isn't the end of the world, trust me.
Sometimes, even if you try your best ,it wont happen. Just be yourself, make sure your DC are number 1 priority and if it is going to happen, that you make friends with other Mums,it will .
It isn't about cliquieness(sp) but about perception .
Be yourself

[formerbabe]

'School mum cliques' hmm Writing people off because of their gender and ability to procreate is pretty small minded

In theory, I agree. In practice, the most petty, weirdest most hard work people I've ever met have been at baby groups and the school gates. It's not just me...these boards are full of women who've experienced the same. It's a thing.

[MollysLips]

I had a lovely, huge group of school-mum friends where I used to live. I moved a few years ago, and the mums at the new school all knew each other and ignored me!

I spent a couple of years feeling like Queen Loser of Loser Land.

While I was feeling like that, a couple of new mums joined the school and made friends effortlessly. I noticed they did the same things:

• Joined groups, especially the PTA;
• Were friendly and chatty on the school run and in the playground;
• Made the first move extending invites to other people, for coffee, etc;
• Made sure their D.C. socialised with loads of other kids;
• Were really smiley and chatty.

A few years on, I've made a really nice little group of mums and I'm happy. But those first couple of years here were hard, as I was soooooo shy that I ended up looking really miserable (hiding behind my phone in the playground, walking fast with my head down, not knowing what to say, ugh) and unapproachable.