To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

Their loss op. I have been in this situation and it hurts. But rise above it, play with the kids or help with a task as a pp said. Flawed humans often leave people out. This too shall pass.

I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down

I can't believe people think this is an ok way to behave!

All it often takes is one lovely mum in the group or one vile one.

For example, in dc1s class, at a social event, one shy mum was sitting by herself separate from the group...a much more confident lovely mum called across in such jokey manner "oi, don't sit on your own, come sit over here with us". Ice broken, everyone happy.

In dc2 class, alpha mum is a miserable cow...yet weirdly popular. If someone was sitting by themself, instead of assuming they're shy, she'd assume they're stuck up. Would bitch to her cronies and a horrible hostile atmosphere would be created.

I totally get what you are saying. This was me with my eldest DD's first school. Totally and utterly blanked and I'm a smiley open friendly chatty person.
The second school she attended after we moved, I made loads of mum friends and thoroughly enjoyed her time there. I did NOTHING differently in appearance or otherwise at these two schools.
I think it's just the culture of the school....
My two youngest are going to a new school for us this time so I'm preparing myself to be ostracized again.
However, I don't give a shiny shit either way

Some people are just arseholes

School parents can be cliquey and it can be difficult to break through. The group you sat next to could be really good mates who haven't seen each other in a while and just want to prioritise catching up.

I think there are a lot of things that put your status a bit higher as well in a way that doesn't happen at work. Eg if your kid is popular you become popular, if you throw great parties, if you're already "we'll connected" in the scho due to being on the pta or having older siblings, if you are perceived to be wealthy (I learnt that last point when it was revealed (not by me) that I live on a road considered quite posh, I felt the parents suddenly became better disposed to us). It's all a bit of nonsense and you have to take it for what it is.

I'm sociable and friendly not because I think one of these people will become a close friend but it's just useful to have a network and for the sake of my kid being invited to play dates etc.

So I'd try not to think of it as some big social opportunity for you, just an opportunity for your dc.

What is an RBF face?

Resting bitch face

I think it's utter lack of other contexts that can drive school mothers to be most superficially and weirdly tribal when it comes to deciding who to make a small talk with....

Indian mums more likely to talk to other Indian mums. Russian mums talk to other Russians. 40 something British mother talks to other 40 something Boden-wearing British mum of similar class. Glam talk to other glam-looking mums. Or already established 'popular' mums hogging all.

Then eventually parents have their heads knocked together to talk because of their children's friendships. Some parents do branch out, some stuck to their 'types' for convenience.

Then if lucky, slowwwwly and very eventually you find parents in common and actually enjoy talking about plenty more things than kids homework. Takes a bit perseverance, but they do exist.

It's so much easier to make friends at work, hobby groups or church than school gates. Fact of life. Don't take it to heart, but do keep up being friendly, pleasant and helpful, don't write others off as covens of witches.

There will be also mums who won't let their kids come to my house because I am deaf and apparently incapable of looking after their kids. Maybe DS friend made up and lied when he said that, but I wouldn't be too sure about it. Most are fine anyway!

I'm like Fatted. I really can't be bothered whether the other parents like me or dislike me. I speak to them if the respond. I respond if they speak to me and if they don't I don't either.

I do unto them as they do unto me.

Totally agree it's luck of the draw. DS1's class contains pretty much nobody I'm drawn to. DS2's class has way too many!

Like @misskatamari said, I doubt they were leaving you out so much as just carrying on with life. Personally I dream of going to a children's party and sitting in the corner with a book...

I get where you're coming from. As a former professional and now SAHM I'm always on the look out to chat to other mums and possibly make friends. I joined a group when DS was born and met some lovely mums. Then they all went back to work and our weekly meet ups ended so I felt I had to start again. I now go to a toddler group and have met another nice group of mums.

If I was back at work, I'm not sure I'd feel like this as I would have adult interaction every day whereas right now, unless I seek it out, I don't.

That’s a real shame, OP. Like in your DC’s previous school, I have made some great friends at DD’s school, been to several 40ths, that kind of thing - it’s a lovely community.

Hopefully you’ll find a friend there soon.

This thread has made me feel happy as there are so many posters either agreeing, sympathising and/or giving good advice.

It is like starting school again but eventually you find your tribe. Don't sweat it but like everything it takes a year, be you and who cares. We only have one life and whatever shape or face we have we must embrace and love ourselves.

I hope I can tell my daughters to not care and be themselves when they're in this position .

It’s so true that your child’s popularity plays a big part here. I suddenly found the school rum so much easier once DD2 started reception. I just found myself chatting with her friends’ mums.

It’s not fair (on DD1 much more than on me) but I can’t think what can be done to change that.

Don’t worry about those unfriendly mums! I’m not friends with any of the school mums, I just don’t have time. I’m always friendly to them but I work full time so it’s not always me picking kids up from school. I’ve noticed my kids do miss out on some party invites, but the kids getting invited are the ones whose mums all stand around and talk every day at school pick up. Water off a ducks back. As long as your child is happy, don’t worry. Do you like a sport? I’ve always found mountain bikers very friendly.

You do have to give it a little time, though. I think the OP’s DS has only just started at that school.

I always have a sense I am gatecrashing whenever I go to a school event.

In fact I just stopped going to ‘mums nights out’ because most of them were wankers.

I completely agree with the poster above who mentioned perceived wealth. Depending on what day of the week we're on I'm either at school in the morning wearing dog walking clothing or gym stuff. Always slightly scruffy. As soon as one mum found out I live on the Naice Street in town she was suggesting coffee meet ups. We're now at the Yr 5 class door and she's never spoken to me at the previous ones.

Why do people always assume that thin women are bitches? Not only that but people seem to think that because someone is slim they’re against fat people!

I’m naturally slim and i don’t notice people’s weight. I definitely wouldn’t decide not to interact with someone based on their body!

One of my closest friends is a school mum I met almost 15 years ago through our daughters. We have remained close even tho' the daughters have drifted apart - they are still friendly, but geographically miles away. I have a couple of other friends that I met through our sons. I know you don't have to befriend mums just because kids go to the same school, but that doesn't mean you can't try. As long as you remain open and friendly OP, hopefully you will make friends along with your DS.

It sounds like you're judging whether women are potential friends by their physical appearance and this might be part of the problem? Like overweight people can only be friends with other overweight people, and the same applies to slim people?

I hope some of the responses on this thread don’t make you feel worse.

On Mumsnet it seems to be an absolute crime to be friendly, socially-inclined and open to friendships with women who are parents at your child’s school.

Introverts, the increasing number of ‘socially anxious’, the shy (of which I am), and the downright socially inept will go on the hard-core defensive, to make you feel like the weirdo for being open to human interaction and friendship.

Whereas, in the real world - or at least my real world - friendship and social interaction is a really important part of life.

Don’t despair just yet. These things take time. We moved to a new area when DC1 started kindy, and being of the social persuasion myself, I was keen to make connections and friendships there. However many years on and I have made many fantastic ones, but it takes time and there are no short cuts.

Just keep being you - invite kids over to play, chat with the parents, plug away, and you will get there. 💐

Is there a PTA you could join? I became very close friends with quite a few of the Mums on my PTA . It was the getting together for meetings then retiring to the pub afterwards that broke the ice. After that the preparing for functions and hosting them were all great levellers.

I honestly think you are analyzing this too much. The truth is that talking to people you do not know takes a fair amount of effort and I would say a level of social generosity that is rarer than it is common. People take the easy route which is to chat to the people they already know-it takes many repeated social opportunities to build up strangers into friends and frankly people fill up their quota and have neither the time nor inclination to extend them selves to others.
I also think people tune into whether people are socially needy and will often filter those people out because needy people are harder work to socialize with than non needy people.
It really is not that personal- they are not rejecting you- they just have their friend needs met already so you just need to accept and be friendly with other people who are not already in a group.
Humans are not particularly inclusive by nature- they find their little clans and stick with them - so find yours and stop wasting energy thinking they should invite you into their clan-all the seats have been taken it seems from what you say.